Dante's Infernal Racket

This is a test

2010-02-23T10:33:00.002-05:00

this is a test

Another job test

2010-02-22T11:56:00.005-05:00

Just ignore this stuff. Maybe I'll update with real content again.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/test-show-for-job
WATCH ME LIVE!

Don't Mind Me

2010-02-17T13:43:00.001-05:00

Just testing something for work:

Test run

An Easter Story

2009-04-12T02:47:00.003-04:00

This is a short story I wrote in the summer of 2006. I had just gone through a bad breakup with an ex-girlfriend right before Easter. Over the next few months though a lot had changed between us and I was considering giving it another go. This short story acted almost as me justifying my future actions for forgiving her and getting back together with her. It's not perfect: I think I mix up tenses a few times, and I'm pretty sure my without-notice switching from internal monologue to general narration doesn't help anyone understand what's going on. It's still one of my favorite short stories. And, even though the rekindled relationship ended again for good only a few months later, it may have been worth it just for the inspiration for this story. Hope you guys like it.

On The Third Day

By Billy Florio

“He got up and ran out of the room,” my Uncle said. “He hates those Zombie movies.”
Granted this is Easter Sunday, and granted celebrating the recounts of family members activities who have been absent for most of the year is an Alziano Family Tradition, but this Easter dinner I really didn’t care to hear about the lost adventures of my five-year-old cousin.

My parents think I’ve been lost for the last two years. How happy were they when they heard the news.

My Uncle goes on about how raising a son isn’t as easy as he thought it was gonna be. Not in those words—that was my own translation. No one else would understand how I get from point A to point B. No one else realizes there’s been a change.

Anastasia. Ani. I miss Ani.

It was only two weeks ago. She did something I couldn’t forgive. I cut the reigns. She hurt me. More than anyone else. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about her. Easter is suppose to be a happy occasion, when the Easter Bunny comes hoping along bringing chocolates, Easter eggs, goodwill towards men and stuff like that.
Well that’s not right either. What do you want? I haven’t been five in 19 years.

Yet, hearing about my Uncle’s miscommunications with his son keeps bringing me back to Ani.

My parents hated Ani. They always hated her. They didn’t approve of her Greek Orthodox heritage. They didn’t like the fact she celebrated Easter two weeks after we did or something. I don’t remember, but they were always upset with her. Since I brought her here for Easter that first time and she didn’t seem as overjoyed as they did. They didn’t understand her Easter Bunny doesn’t visit her for another fortnight. She’ll be excited then.

Either way, they were bouncing off the cathedral ceiling when they heard we broke up.

I told them three days after. My mom yelled out “my Son’s returned!” Honestly, did they think that helped? Did they think I wanted their ridicule? I made the hardest decision of my life breaking up with her. They never understood that I loved her. They didn’t think their child could love anything but them. Ha. I’m not even too sure of that last part.

Finally my Uncle finished. You’d think the kid had won a Peabody or something the way he speaks about him. Wait, what is a Peabody even given for? Does anybody know any more?

“Luke has some good news too.”
Oh no.
My Mother.
Is she serious? She is not going to say that is she?
“Wait, what are you doing? What are you going to talk about? That’s not good news!”

“Luke, I was going to mention that you got inducted into the Graduate Student Honor Society.”

Oh. Yeah, that.

“But yes, that’s good news as well, also Luke broke up with Anastasia.”
God damn it.

So now the cats out of the bag and everyone looks happy. Why did I even bother to try and stop her? She was probably on the phone with everyone telling them the “good news” right after I finished telling her. Right after I smashed all Ani's photos and ripped all her gifts. I knew that’s what would really hurt her. Not the breakup, not telling her I hate her, not even hitting her. No, none of that would have affected Ani. The only thing that would is destroying the things she gave me. The symbols of her. The things she hoped I worshiped. The things she forced me to display as the symbols of us. That’s one of the things that pissed me off about her. She’d raise these symbols up so much higher than the things they represented. She’d push things like a stuffed animal on me, and force me to display it on my bed—cause it symbolized her. But she’d be so glued to that symbolism, that all meaning behind the gift would be lost. To this day I can’t remember what was the reason she gave me it. All I remember was the fight we got in because I thought she cared about me liking it more than me loving her.

It doesn’t matter now; it’s in a garbage dump somewhere. Along with everything else that symbolized us.

Thankfully the subject has changed. I sit there and eat my dinner. My Dad’s sister starts talking about how she never gets to see us or something. I’m waiting for my Grandmother to make a comment about her living in another state. I’m waiting. It surprisingly doesn’t happen. She normally has a comment for everything. God knows I’ve heard most of them.

Why am I able to predict my family’s actions so well? Well it’s not just them, I can do it for anybody I’ve known for long enough. That was one of the things that annoyed Ani so much. I’d always know what she was gonna say before she said it. I’ve gotta learn to control that though. I can tell it really gets annoying when I start arguing points that haven’t been brought up yet. It’s like trying to change the future. God knows I can’t do that; I can only use my free will to go in the direction he set for me.

It doesn’t matter. Whether I can predict people’s actions or not, it makes no difference. I may have occasionally pissed off Ani, but she still loved me, I know she loved me. I knew she would never do anything to hurt me, and would always love me till the end. Then she cheated on me. And I broke up with her. I couldn’t believe she’d ever do that.

“Oh Linda, this pork is delicious!” My Aunt said to my Mom. “Hey, what would Easter be without pork?” I couldn’t hold back any longer. I knew where this was going. “It would probably be the same. The pork isn’t what makes this a corruption of the Holiday.”

Everyone looked at me. It’s the most words I’ve said all evening. They knew what was coming too. I had to set them straight on what Easter’s about, cause I know they’re just gonna get it wrong. They always do.

“Every year we sit here and we talk about the pork, and we talk about the Easter Bunny, and we eat jelly beans 'til we’re blue in the face trying to figure out when they’re going to show ‘Holiday Inn’ again on TV. But that’s not Easter! Easter isn’t about any of that. You think it’s written in the Bible that Uncle Mike’s son is going to get a chocolate bunny and some yellow Peeps in his basket this year? No! Easter is about the resurrection of Christ! About him dying for our sins… our mistakes; for our problems. The Bible says: ‘And on the third day he rose from the dead.’ This day is about him, his comeback. It’s about his return to us after he realized “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ! I’ve died for you!” It’s not about you guys. We’ve lost that meaning. The meaning of the Holiday is gone and all we think about is cute little commercialized symbols. What the hell happened to Easter?!”

Silence. Finally my Grandmother comments. “Luke, don’t raise your voice like that! Some people believe differently than you.”
They all turned against me. Why does that always happen?

“I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.” I pushed my dish away and got up and walked to my room. Why is it that God is forgotten today? Even on the days set aside for him no one remembers. If Jesus died today do you think they’d care? No! They still wouldn’t listen to me. I guess it still wasn’t much easier for Jesus himself. There he is being crucified and who’s there with him—only John and Mary Magdalene. Where was his family then? Your family’s never there when you need them. They’re only there to crucify you.

I turn on some music. I need to get my mind off this. Hmm…Psycho Candy. The Jesus and Mary Chain. Fitting enough. The music starts as I sit down in my mercy seat. It’s then that I realize my phone is beeping. Someone left a message.

I might as well listen to it. It can’t make anything worse.

All I need to hear is the sound of the crying and I know who it is: Ani. What is she calling me for? What could she possibly want on Easter?

“Luke…I miss you so much…I…a-I just can’t take this anymore…I want you back…I need you…I was wrong in what I did-wrong in how I treated you-wrong in how I acted…I’m sorry…I was stupid. I never should have cheated on you. I never should have done any of that…Luke! Please…please, please call me back. I still love you. I want to be with you again…Happy Easter.”

Wow. Why the hell does she think I want to speak to her? I don’t miss her. I’ve moved on. It was two weeks ago God damn it! She’s got to be kidding me!
Maybe she’s really sorry though. I’m not sure.

Well, this just ruins the day even more.

I’m not gonna call her back. I can’t. Not after what she’s done. No. I—I—don’t know.

This kills me. She seemed like she was in pain. She seemed like she needed me too. No, she should have thought of that before she cheated on me. But she’s obviously begging for forgiveness. She obviously wants me back. She even said it. I don’t want her back. Right?

I should call her. I should make sure she’s ok. That would be the right thing to do…yeah, that’s the correct thing. I’ll call her. She needs me. I loved her. I miss her.

As I’m dialing I hear the chorus to “Just Like Honey”.

I wait.

“Ani?”

It's Just That Old Parker Luck...

2009-03-25T17:05:00.002-04:00

Too late.

From Amazing Spider-man # 589 by Van Lente and Siqueira

He Should Have Tried Missed Connections

2009-02-27T14:33:00.004-05:00

what.

Pilot posted this on her synecdoche tumblr today. Wow. I really hope this was a joke because I can't stop laughing.

Seriously, I hope this guy finds a Greek translator through craigslist.

But if he doesn't, he can always shell out the money for Rosetta Stone.

Whole Lotta Rosie

2009-02-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

On Imdb Wednesday:

Ok, let's reread this part.

The A League of Their Own star has revealed she stopped drinking on 1 December after her teenage son, Parker, refused to get her a beer from the refrigerator.

Now, I tend to see fat jokes where there aren't any sometimes (when you're looking for them, they're everywhere), but this...I mean, I thought this was obvious.

Does that line not imply that Rosie is sitting on her couch; asks her son to get her a beer; her son refuses; and Rosie says "Well, I'm not getting up. I'll quit."

Apparently not. No one I asked came to that conclusion. So, the question is, why did I see it?

In the first show I had on Channel 101 NY, DiSilvio, me and co-creator Mike Frollo knew where all the jokes were*. But, when the show screened, most of the audience was confused. Somehow, somewhere, there was a jump in logic that me and Mike didn't foresee.

So, what does this have to do with Rosie? Well, I'm starting to think I constantly do this.

*Where were they? In the second draft.

A Real Life Paul Gambi?

2009-02-21T14:21:00.009-05:00

Why have I never shopped here?!

I'll Tumblr 4 Ya!

2009-02-20T14:17:00.003-05:00

Did everyone just get a tumblr overnight? When the hell did this happen?

For all those that care, Nonsense Humor Magazine has finally got with the times and started their own blog. I think it's suppose to have pdfs of issues and crap but I have no clue anymore.

So, go check that out! And start a tumblr I guess, cause it's the cool thing to do!

Where A Grown Man Comments On Children's Shows

2009-02-18T00:16:00.007-05:00

I feel bad for the kids on Sesame Street.

Not only did they live in the projects...

they had MONSTERS!

Bonus Videos:

See Paul Simon be an asshole to a little girl!

Watch as Sesame Street's local Pusher tries to get Ernie hooked! Yes, Sesame Street had a Pusher! His name was Lefty.

We've Created A Monster

2009-02-09T23:49:00.000-05:00

(I don't know who made this)

My Year In Lists

2009-01-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

So, lets finish up our music roundup for 2008.

You can find my top albums of 2008 here. In this post, we're going to look at my top eps, best compilations, top songs, and some other shit. So let's go.

The top 4 eps of 2008:
4)Little Boots-Arecibo
3)Animal Collective-Water Curses
2)Be Your Own Pet-Get Damaged
1)Fleet Foxes-Sun Giant
I really didn't listen to that many eps this year, so this list is a tad bit incomplete. Fleet Foxes Sun Giant ep would probably still be the number one choice though.

The Top 7 Compilations/Mixtapes:
7)The Long Blondes-Singles
6)Diplo & Santogold-Top Ranking Mixtape
5)Various Artists- Nigeria 70: Lagos Jump: Original Heavyweight Afrobeat Highlife & Afro-Funk
4)Esau Mwamwaya + Radioclit-"The Very Best" Mixtape
3)Arthur Russell-Love Is Overtaking Me
2)Jay Reatard- Singles 06-07 & Jay Reatard-Matador Singles 08
1)Wale- The Mixtape About Nothing
D.C. rapper Wale put together a mixtape that is devoted to 90s sitcom Seinfeld. Yes, you read that right...Seinfeld has entered rap culture. It is fantastic. The highlight of the mixtape is "The Kramer", on which Wale samples Michael Richards infamous rant at L.A. comedy club The Laugh Factory to make a thought-provoking thesis on the use of the N-word. Also, there is a confusing/out of place/pathetic cameo by Seinfeld star Julia Louis-Dreyfuss that should derail the mixtape completely, but luckily doesn't last long enough to do much harm.

The Most Disappointing Album Of The Year:
For something to be disappointing there had to have been a build up of hope prior to it's release that made the albums disappointment all the more painful. So out the door goes Weezer's Red Album because I don't think anyone thought that would be good. Out goes The Raveonettes Lust, Lust, Lust because I gave up all hope for them after I heard "Aly, Walk With Me". This really comes down to three choices: Kanye West's 808s & Heartbreak, Scarlett Johansson's Anywhere I Lay My Head or Philip Jeck's Sand. Jeck's album was completely built up for me as being this masterpiece, yet when I heard it, I couldn't make heads or tails of what I was listening to. Kanye's 4th album was coming off of his highly enjoyable Graduation, so, yeah, it had a lot to live up to...but this was almost like Kanye wasn't even trying. The first time I heard "Love Lockdown" I couldn't believe it was Kanye...not because he was singing, but because it sounded so...fake. To it's credit though, 808s & Heartbreak does contain the awesome "Robocop", so it can't be a huge disappointment with that.

No, the most disappointing album of the year is Scarlett Johansson's Tom Waits cover record Anywhere I Lay My Head. Note, it's not the worst album of the year, just the most disappointing. I love Scarlett...and Tom Waits is my favorite artist of all time...but the two of them together just doesn't work...even with a David Bowie appearance hidden on "Falling Down". The album isn't unlistenable...it's just unremarkable...and that's something that a Tom Waits inspired album should never be. Anywhere I Lay My Head should have been a thought-provoking journey to a world where pin-up models could sing the blues and femme fatales fall victim to the same desperation as the drunk on the street. Instead I felt absolutely nothing from this album. That's why it's a disappointment.

The Worst Album Of The Year (that I heard):
This would easily be Weezer's third self-titled album, Weezer (also known as The Red Album). Here's an excerpt from a review I wrote for the album earlier in 2008:

I can see it now: I'd compare Weezer's Red Album to the regurgitated food the cow re-chews on it's way from it's 1st stomach to it's 2nd stomach. If you think it's as good as the first time, then I'm sorry my friend, but you enjoyed cow vomit. Calling it "Pork and Beans" doesn't fool anyone.

And I was going easy on the album there. Red Album is an attempt to revisit the magic that Weezer had on their first self-titled album (The Blue Album), but they don't even come close, falling far below even the level of quality on their second self-titled album (The Green Album). The songs range from "could be decent if it wasn't by Weezer" ("The Greatest Man That Ever Lived") to "oh my God that is horrible make it stop make it stop" ("Heart Songs"). Also, in the case of "Heart Songs", I think I'd vote that in as easily the worst song of the year. It's only fitting that Weezer gets wrong a song that is all about nostalgia, on an album that is attempting to rely on our nostalgia for anyone to give two shits. Weezer...it's time to retire. Go away, and stop ruining my good memories of you.

Most Overrated Album Of 2008:
TV On The Radio-Dear Science.
It wasn't bad at all, but I didn't think it was anywhere near as good as Return To Cookie Mountain. Some people get all obsessive about these guys, and yeah, they are good, but this was not album of the year. Sorry.

Most Underrated Album Of 2008:
Nico Muhly-Mothertongue
This album is so underrated, that I didn't even include it on my top albums of the year list! Nico Muhly's Mothertongue starts off with an avant-garde classical piece that evokes the work of Philip Glass. Over the rest of the work, Muhly echos Bjork, Steve Reich...and folk music. It's quite an experience, and perfect for fans of minimalist classical music.

Best Album I Discovered Because Of Taylor Long:
My former editor, and the mind behind the T-Sides music blog, Taylor Long has a tendency to suggest albums to me that I never would have heard elsewhere. Last year she brought Patrick Cleandenim's excellent Baby Come Home to my attention. This year it was Dengue Fever's Venus On Earth. Dengue Fever combine Cambodian pop music with American indie rock, to create an album that almost seems like a piece of alternative history. Most of the album is sung in Khmer, the main language of Cambodia (with a few songs in English), but don't let that scare you away. The album is terrific.

Best Album I Discovered Because Of Nick Psillas:
Like Taylor, Nick Psillas, of the band The Broosevelts also has passed my way many music suggestions. The best album he told me about this year was Little Joy's self titled debut, Little Joy. Little Joy is a side project of Fabrizio Moretti of The Strokes and Rodrigo Amarante of Los Hermanos. As a fan of both those bands, this album represents almost a dream pairing, but I was still skeptical. The last Strokes album left me pondering the need for a band like the Strokes anymore, and the last time Los Hermanos did anything new was 2005. Could this just be another disaster? Well, obviously it isn't. This is what the 3rd Strokes album should have sounded like. This is the return to form we wanted. Now let's see how these rumors of a new Strokes album in 2009 turn out.

The Top 60 Songs of 2008:
60)"Time To Pretend"-MGMT
59)"The Vowels Pt. 2"-Why?
58)"Dance, Dance, Dance"-Lykke Li
57)"Run To Your Grave"-The Mae Shi
56)"In The New Year"-The Walkmen
55)"House Jam"-Gang Gang Dance
54)"Robocop"-Kanye West
53)"Saved By Old Times"-Deerhunter
52)"The Next Messiah"-Jenny Lewis
51)"Kids"-MGMT

50)"Walcott"-Vampire Weekend
49)"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"-Beyonce
48)"Don’t Stop The Music"-Rihanna
47)"The Rip"-Portishead
46)"Paperback Suicide"-Evangelicals
45)"Sentimental Heart"-She & Him
44)"The Modern Leper"-Frightened Rabbit
43)"Too Drunk To Dream"-Magnetic Fields
42)"L.E.S. Artists"-Santogold
41)"Kiss With A Fist"-Florence and the Machine

40)"Lately"-The Helio Sequence
39)"A&E"-Goldfrapp
38)"The Next Time Around"-Little Joy
37)"Which Song?"-Max Tundra
36)"Oh My God"-Ida Maria
35)"Fatalist Palmistry"-Why?
34)"Shut Up And Let Me Go"-The Ting Tings
33)"The Kramer"-Wale
32)"Black Albino Bones"-Fucked Up
31)"Bete Noir"-The Gutter Twins

30)"Trolley Friend"-Pattern Is Movement
29)"Soul On Fire"-Spiritualized
28)"All I Wanna Do"-Jaimie Lidell
27)"Where Do You Run To?"-Vivian Girls
26)"Teenagers"-Department of Eagles
25)"Strange Overtones"-David Byrne & Brian Eno
24)"Take My Love With You"-Eli “Paperboy” Reed & The True Loves
23)"Shake That Devil"-Antony & The Johnsons
22)"My Year In Lists"-Los Campesinos!
21)"Eraser"-No Age

20)"I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me"-Annie
19)"Easy Does It"-Bonnie “Prince” Billy
18)"Gobbledigook"-Sigor Ros
17)"Winter"-The Dodos
16)"Skinny Love"-Bon Iver
15)"Blue Ridge Mountains"-Fleet Foxes
14)"Lights Out"-Santogold
13)"Mykonos"-Fleet Foxes
12)"Lover’s Day"-TV On The Radio
11)"You! Me! Dancing!"-Los Campesinos!

10)"Becky"-Be Your Own Pet
9)"Nous Tombons Dans Elle"-Dominique Leone
8)"I’m Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You"-The Black Kids
7)"Constructive Summer"-The Hold Steady
6)"Sweet Darlin’"-She & Him
5)"American Boy"-Estelle (Featuring Kanye West)
4)"Put On"-Young Jeezy and Kanye West
3)"The Nun’s Litany"-Magnetic Fields
2)"Oxford Comma"-Vampire Weekend
1)"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!"-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Ok, that's it for the music of 2008! I'd like to do a movie list, but I'm not sure when I'll get that up. Hopefully soon. Thanks for reading!

Loving The Alien And King

2009-01-08T21:25:00.003-05:00

So, it's both David Bowie AND Elvis Presley's birthdays today.

Happy birthday David Bowie!!! He's 62 today!

Here he is with the Arcade Fire performing their song "Wake Up".

Happy birthday to Elvis Presley!!! He would be 74 today!

Here he is singing "Little Egypt" from the movie "Roustabout". "Little Egypt" of course is much better known as a Coasters song (and done much better by them), but I'm posting it so we remember it was practice at the time for white artists to re-record the songs of black artists. Elvis did this numerous times, and sadly, because of it, singers like Big Mama Thornton are nearly forgotten.

If This Were Real, Some People Would Call It Progress...

2009-01-07T13:59:00.003-05:00

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Oh Macworld, you're the comic-con for the nerds who think they're trendy.

(From The Onion)

David Lynch Should Totally Write Batman

2009-01-05T16:15:00.000-05:00

(stolen from Random Panels)

Top Albums Of 2008

2009-01-03T11:30:00.001-05:00

For the first time in a long time, I actually struggled with picking my top ten albums of the year.

That's a good thing, I guess. When so many great albums are released in a year, it's the listeners and music fans who win. My job should be this hard all the time.

Of course, by limiting this list to ten, I've left off many deserving albums. It was originally a list of 30 that I had to par down. Sadly, this left no room for some releases that everyone else on the internet has been hailing as the "best albums of the year". Whatever. I think these albums are better.

I now present:

DANTE'S INFERNAL RACKET'S
TOP ALBUMS OF 2008

10)The Hold Steady- Stay Positive (Vagrant)

Many bands wear their influences on their sleeves. The Hold Steady just won't stop talking about them.

The first line in album opener "Constructive Summer" bellows: "Me and my friends are like/the drums on 'Lust For Life'". The band then goes on to reference The Dillinger Four, The Clash, and Husker Du, all before getting out of the first song.

Of course this makes perfect sense considering what else The Hold Steady sing about. On Stay Positive they sing stories about people who are stuck in adolescence, people who are confused spiritually, and people who aren't sure about where life is taking them. They sing songs about people who are "stuck at the mill until [they] die" and people who smoke in the woods with "townies". They sing songs about the youth in red states, the sing songs about the youth in the suburbs. All they know of the cities is what they've been taught by Led Zeppelin and Bruce Springsteen. All they can do (to quote Pulp) is "dance and drink and screw/cause there's nothing else to do."

But unlike on their past albums, The Hold Steady take this a step further. Stay Positive is their most grown up album, not in a sense of being more mature, but rather in being old enough to look back and see what's happened. No, the band is still as confused and discouraged as they always are, but now they see what they went through happening to the next generation, and they want to help them through it. The next generation needs to stay optimistic, to think positive. Stick to your goals, and remember your influences and you'll get out of the rut of being a Hold Steady character. After all, The Hold Steady did. Raise a toast to Saint Joe Strummer indeed.

Best Songs: "Constructive Summer", "Stay Positive", "Magazines"

9)Portishead-Third (Mercury/Island)

It seems like forever since Portishead released an album. 11 years in fact, and it feels like they haven't been gone at all.

There is something about Portishead that makes them seem so haunting and bleak, and yet at the same time, so...upper class. When listening to Third, I get the feeling like I'm sitting at a British aristocracy dinner banquet. The music just fits with the ambiance in the background as we eat and discuss the latest business in front of the House of Lords. I assume British aristocratic gatherings aren't anything fitting of a Portishead album, but it just gives me that feel. Maybe I've seen King Ralph too many times.

Beth Gibbons voice calls back the likes of Jackie DeShannon and Nico. On top of that, Portishead approach Third with a very 60's pop feel, while still maintaining their identifiable sound; like if Burt Bacharach wrote songs for Iron Butterfly. Third isn't a retread of Dummy, and for that we're all relieved. After an eleven year wait for a new album, it's reassuring to know that Portishead aren't ready for the 'classic 90's bargain bin' yet, and I hope their fourth album takes a little quicker to make than their third.

Best Songs: "The Rip", "Machine Gun", "Hunter"

8)The Magnetic Fields- Distortion (Nonesuch)

It's 90's week here at Dante's Infernal Racket! First Portishead and now Stephin Merritt's catchy-pop outlet The Magnetic Fields! All we need now is the new Weezer album! (on second thought...no).

For some reason, Distortion didn't seem to be too well received by many critics this year. I'm not quite sure why. Distortion mixes Magnetic Fields style catchy pop with Jesus and Mary Chain distorted rock. Yeah, it isn't like 69 Love Songs...but is that what everyone wants? A remake of 69 Love songs?

The songs on Distortion feel almost...more solid than on previous Magnetic Fields albums. Maybe it's the electric guitars of this album compared to the acoustics of 69 Love Songs, or maybe it's the more playful feeling the album gives off...I don't know, but it just feels like I'm getting more out of these 13 songs than I did on all three discs of 69 Love Songs.

The album starts off very nice with the Breeder's sound-a-like "Three-Way". The ranting "California Girls" flows nicely from the opener's surf guitars, setting up the records upbeat sound quite well. The sing-a-long opening of "Too Drunk To Dream" is probably the most fun I've ever had with a Stephin Merritt song and along with "Please Stop Dancing" and "Drive on, Driver" form the most enjoyable section of the album. The album's highlight though is the clever "The Nun's Litany" which I'm pretty sure I've played more times this year than I have most other songs from better albums. I keep on coming back to Distortion whenever I need a burst of pop and fun. To me, that makes it one of the best albums of the year.

Best Songs: "The Nun's Litany", "Too Drunk To Dream", "Drive On, Driver"

7)Why?-Alopecia (Anticon)

Is Why? a hip-hop group or are they an indie rock band? If you Googled the un-Google-able band, that's what you'd find...lots of discussions about what genre Why? could possibly be. Why? is the perfect candidate for my most hated genre selection on iTunes: 'Unclassifiable'...and that's only because the idea of a bunch of indie-rock white boys raping about how much they like Whole Foods confuses people who think genre is a rule and not a suggestion. These are the same people who write in their 'favorite music' box on facebook "Everything but country!!!" and think that actually defines anything.

If you want to use a comparison to describe them, they're Faith No More for the 2000s or maybe Alice in Chains for the health food nut.

The stand out song on the album is "Fatalist Palmistry" a bright, happy-sounding pop number stuck right in the middle of the album. The song revolves around the idea of palm reading and numerous times mentions loving life, yet it's surrounded on both sides by songs about death, sex and darkness. I guess it's only fitting then that the song starts and ends with references to dying: "I sleep on my back cause it's good for the spine/and coffin rehearsal" and "I'll be embalmed with it long before you'll see". This seems to be Why?'s topic of choice. All their songs act as stream of consciousness diatribes on the uncertain and inevitable, or rather, sex and death. On the album opener "The Vowels, Pt.2": "I'm not a ladies man/I'm a landmine/filming my own fake death." On "Simeon's Dilemma" "But I still hear your name in wedding bells/Will I look better or will I look the same rotting in hell." Most of the songs on Alopecia discuss one of these two topics in sometimes awkward and hopefully tongue-in-cheek ways. On "Good Friday" rapper Yoni Wolf mentions there are lots of things he wouldn't even say to his psychiatrist. He seems perfectly content with relaying it all to us though. If I didn't like it so much, I'd demand my own prescription pad.

Best Songs: "Fatalist Palmistry", "The Vowels Pt.2", "Song Of The Sad Assassin"

6)Marnie Stern-This is it and I am it and You are it and So is that and He is it and She is it and It is it and That is that (Kill Rock Stars)

I can't think of a way to describe Marnie Stern's second album. It's not really metal, even though her guitar work is on the level of Eddie Van Halen. It's not really pop, as this could never be played on mainstream radio. It's sort of like she created her own genre...a type of Progressive Pop.

Marnie Stern's work needs to be heard to be understood. The album is weird and choppy. It's not candy to the ears. It's angular, it's awkward. It's like the last few seconds of the Beatles "A Day In The Life" when the orchestra just says the hell with it and creates nightmares.

And even that's not really a good description. Stern's songs play with pop structure. They are pop songs, just...not in the right order. Remember in Pulp Fiction how the story structure was all mixed up...how you'd get half of the story, and then we'd cut away to Bruce Willis, and he kills John Travolta, but then we got back to the middle of the first story and Travolta's still alive?

Ah fuck it. That description sucks too. Really, I have no fucking clue how to even approach this album for a review. It's uncomfortable progressive pop metal. It's "Karn Evil #9" meets "Fuck and Run". It's a cyclone and a siren put together. Take album highlight "Ruler". It starts almost like hoe-down music and then turns into a Sleater-Kinney song. How else can this be described? It shouldn't work, but it does perfectly. Not only am entranced by it, but I can't stop listening to it. Just give it a listen yourself.

Best Songs: "Ruler", "Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads", "Prime"

5)The Dutchess & The Duke-She's The Dutchess, He's The Duke (Hardly Art)

This one is simple. The Dutchess & The Duke sound like acoustic Aftermath era Rolling Stones with a little dash of Richard and Linda Thompson. They play 60's blues and folk songs. That's either a selling point to you or not.

Best Songs: "Out Of Time", "Mary", "Strangers"

4)Hot Chip-Made in the Dark (EMI)

Hot Chip is probably the epitome of the slur "Pitchfork Artist". Pitchfork promotes the hell out of these musicians, and because of that, there is normally a sort of resentment towards them around the internet (See also: Deerhunter). Including Hot Chip's Made in the Dark on this list is certainly not earning me any brownie points from the music blog community, but to not include it would be to ignore a very enjoyable album simply because some guy in an office in Chicago compared them to Giorgio Moroder.

Made in the Dark is electronica, but it is poppy electronica. The music bares a closer resemblance to Interpol than it does Prodigy. Almost like The Rapture's "Echoes" by way of Daft Punk's "Digital Love". Their music is extremely catchy and easily danceable. Plus they reference Todd Rundgren's Something/Anything?. And I LOVE Something/Anything?.

Best Songs: "Wrestlers", "Ready For The Floor", "Shake a Fist"

3)Bon Iver-For Emma, Forever Ago (Jagjaguwar)

Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago was originally self-released in 2007, but since it's official release was 2008, and since I had no clue it existed until this past year, I'm going to consider it officially a 2008 album.

2008 was a good year for the 'Americana' sound. Bonnie "Prince" Billy released a pretty damn good album with Lie Down In The Light, The Fleet Foxes had a fantastic EP and LP and Bon Iver came out with For Emma, Forever Ago. Bon Iver is really just Justin Vernon, formerly of folk band DeYarmond Edison. He recorded most of For Emma, Forever Ago Walden style...isolated in a cabin in Wisconsin for four months. The album reflects Vernon's experience. It's a haunting debut, filled with the psyche of a man isolated in nature.

Vernon's voice alternates between a Will Oldham style growl to a TV on the Radio-esk falsetto (though it mostly stays in the falsetto). More than anything the album sounds like the latest release from Iron & Wine, or maybe even Ray LaMontagne, but neither of those two have made an album this coherent before. For Emma, Forever Ago is a quite fantastic piece of folk music.

Best Songs: "Skinny Love", "Flume", "Re: Stacks"

2)Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds-Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! (Mute)

Nick Cave is 51. You'd never know it from the way Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! sounds though. These days, when a rocker gets old, he usually resorts to recording crap like muddled vanilla versions of old standards. But not Cave. When he gets old, he rocks harder.

Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! opens with the title song, a spiraling epic about what happened to "Poor Larry" after he was risen from the grave. Cave uses the resurrection of Lazarus to return to one of his favorite topics: God. "Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!" chronicles a modern Lazarus's journey through despair and obscenity as he digs himself deeper and deeper into the ground, blaming it all on the fact that "he never asked to be risen up from the tomb/...no one ever actually asked him to forsake his dreams".

"Poor Larry"'s journey brings forward the notion that God's work might not be understood by us, but everything is happening according to some plan: "I can hear chants and incantations and some guy is mentioning me in his prayers./ Well, I don't know what it is but there's definitely something going on upstairs." This point carries Cave throughout the album, as he touches upon other cases of humans not understanding a greater thought, and in the end, rejecting it. On "We Call Upon The Author" Cave sings: "Rosary clutched in his hand, he died with tubes up his nose/And a cabal of angels with finger cymbals chanted his name in code/We shook our fists at the punishing rain/And we call upon the author to explain." Throughout the song, the effects of tragedy are questioned by those closest, asking God, their supposed author, why they must occur. The repeated chant of "Prolix, Prolix/Nothing a pair of scissors can't fix" obviously shows the questioners reaction to God's response...the result being a mutilated version of what they once believed.

In "Albert Goes West" Cave sings "I said the world is full of endless abstractions/And I won't be held responsible for my actions." Here, another challenge to a higher authority is made, this time the refusal of the protagonist to recognize any type of higher law (whether God's or the state's)due to their generality. The inclusion of the American West (another one of Cave's favorite topics) brings forward the imagery of a lawless society, one where no one has to worry about anyone judging them. The album's closer "More News From Nowhere" takes everything to it's logical extreme, with a world of moral anarchy, supplemented by the continued delivery of "more news from nowhere". A Dionysian orgy in a world where God is dead to the people, all because they don't understand his plan and instead have chosen to reject him. It all happens to "Poor Larry" in the opening song, and the only place it lead him was straight back to the grave. You think Cave is trying to tell us something?

Best Songs: "Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!", "We Call Upon The Author", "More News From Nowhere"

1)Fleet Foxes-Fleet Foxes (Sub Pop)

And to think, just a year ago, I was badmouthing Panda Bear for trying to sound too much like the Beach Boys, while meanwhile, on the opening to "Blue Ridge Mountains" The Fleet Foxes do a pitch perfect impression of the Wilson Brother's harmonies, and I'm praising them. My, how times have changed.

The Fleet Foxes' self-titled debut album is a perfect piece of chirpy 60's folk. Somehow though, possibly by use of time tunnel or warp zone, this 60's folk album came out in 2008. The Fleet Foxes hit every note they need to hit, from emulating The Byrds and the International Submarine Band to the aforementioned Beach Boys. They combine their folk with sunshine pop to create what is undeniably a west coast sound.

Every song on Fleet Foxes hits, from the crooning (and Beirut sounding) "Tiger Mountain Peasant Song", to the sing-a-long "White Winter Hymnal", to the possibly lost Gram Parsons recording "Meadowlarks". The album is as close to perfect as any album came this year, and for that it takes the number one slot on my list.

Best Songs:"White Winter Hymnal", "Blue Ridge Mountains", "Ragged Wood"

And since, I know someone is going to ask, here are, without comment, 11-20:
11)Dengue Fever-Venus On Earth (M80)
12)Santogold-Santogold (Downtown)
13)Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend (XL)
14)Times New Viking-Rip It Off (Matador)
15)Department of Eagles-In Ear Park (4AD)
16)Jenny Lewis-Acid Tongue (Warner Brothers)
17)Lil Wayne-Tha Carter III (Cash Money)
18)Be Your Own Pet-Get Awkward (Ecstatic Peace)
19)Bonnie "Prince" Billy-Lie Down In The Light (Spunk)
20)Juana Molina-Un Dia (Domino)

Thanks for reading! I'm going to have a music summary of 2008 post up soon (I promise) and hopefully soon after that, a list of my favorite songs of the year. After that, I'll probably tackle movies.

Also, there will definitely be unrelated posts separating these.

So, what do you think guys?

C Is For Conspiracy Theory

2009-01-02T00:53:00.002-05:00

Coincidence?

The Starry Knight

2008-12-29T12:49:00.004-05:00

(From Cinematical)

In unrelated blog stuff, I'm going to try to have my top music list(s) up soon. I originally made a deadline for myself around two weeks ago, but...well, we all knew that wasn't going to happen. My top movies of 2008 list probably won't be up till the new year, and I doubt I'm going to even do a top TV show list this year (it was hard enough to try and think of 5 shows that I actually watched this year...)

Maybe I'll do an internet show list...hmm.

And I'm Sure We'll Think He's Going To Stay Dead Too

2008-12-16T17:21:00.004-05:00

So, to anyone that watched the Vol. 3 finale of Heroes last night...

Jeph Loeb's way to make Sylar scary...is to rip off Saw?

Now, unlike Loeb, I'm not a terrible comic book writer, so I guess I can't really talk about homage vs. outright swiping, but if I may make a suggestion: the next time you want to make your audience feel a real kind of threat from a character, you may want to focus on better characterization, rather than relying on references to a well known movie franchise to provide it for you.

I can't wait until Brian Fuller returns...

I Laughed For Five Minutes Straight

2008-12-16T17:01:00.002-05:00

Yeah, it's real...

Found via Geekologie

The Heart Of...Sunday Morning

2008-12-07T12:49:00.004-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TOM WAITS!

America's hobo troubadour turns 59 today.

Here he is performing "The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)" On Fernwood 2 Night in 1977.

I'm going to celebrate my favorite musician's birthday by listening to Swordfishtrombones and Small Change while driving to Pennsylvania today in the snow. It will be quite an adventure.

Also, since I apparently missed it, November 22nd was Little Steven Van Zandt's birthday. Little Steven, other than being Bruce Springsteen's guitarist in the E Street Band, and the actor who played Silvio on The Sopranos, is also the DJ and founder of the greatest radio program of all time: Little Steven's Underground Garage.

Here is a clip from Little Steven's Underground Garage Festival back in (I think) 2004. The clip features Bruce Springsteen introducing the fantastic Chesterfield Kings.

You know, it's really sad, that I was at the Underground Garage Festival and I don't remember what year it was...it was August, I remember that...and there was a hurricane warning, and Julian Casablancas from The Strokes yelled at one point: "They told us to hurry up our set because there's a hurricane coming...WELL I DON'T SEE NO FUCKING HURRICANE!"

Yes kids, at one time The Strokes' were cool.

Songs Of The Day

2008-12-06T16:14:00.005-05:00

So over on Twitter I've been amusing myself (and hopefully others) by posting a link to a cool song each day.

Originally I was trying to out-indie Sam Rubenfeld (whom I stole this idea from), but lately I've been grouping my selections more into themes.

I've decided to post the first few weeks of it here on my blog. So enjoy:

Nov 21, 2008

The Chi-Lites- "Stoned Out Of My Mind"

Nov 22

A Brokeheart Pro-"You Don't Know"

Nov 23
Holly Golightly-"A Length Of Pipe" (from Last.Fm)

Nov 24
The Forty Fives-"Junk Food Heaven" (Crappy MP3 from their website)

Nov 25

Gogol Bordello-"Start Wearing Purple"

Nov 26

The Creaky Boards-"The Songs I Didn't Write"

Nov 27
SPECIAL THANKSGIVING SONG OF THE DAY IN TWO PARTS:

Arlo Guthrie-"Alice's Restaurant Massacre"

Nov 28
BLACK FRIDAY SONG OF THE DAY:
Johnny Boy-"You Are The Generation That Bought More Shoes And You Got What You Deserve"

Nov 29

The Stolen Minks-"Consecutives"

SOLO VENTURES THEME WEEK! These songs are all the result of band members going solo.
Nov 30

Joe Strummer-"Coma Girl"

Dec 1

Paul Westerberg-"Dyslexic Heart"

Dec 2

Kevin Drew-"Backed Out On The..."

Dec 3

Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins-"Big Guns"

Dec 4
Feist-"Mushaboom"

Dec 5

Lou Reed-"Good Evening Mr. Waldheim"

Dec 6

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds-"From Her To Eternity"

Quote Of The Day

2008-11-29T13:05:00.005-05:00

2 girls talking to each other in the Law School where I work.

Girl 1: Hey, listen, it's finals time. Stop wearing makeup and put on some sweatpants. You're making the rest of us look bad.

Girl 2: Ha...I'm not wearing any makeup--

Girl 1: You're wearing eyeliner! I can see it!!!

At ten in the morning on a Saturday, it's the little things that amuse me.

Live From New York...It's a Concession Speech!

2008-11-04T14:29:00.001-05:00

It's time for a post I have been planning since McCain received the Republican nomination.

John McCain will not win the Presidency of the United States of America.

Want to know why?

Because he hosted Saturday Night Live.

You're looking at me crazy right now, I know. Let me explain...you see, SNL has a curse...a POLITICAL curse.

Every politician that has hosted SNL, has gone on to lose a presidential election (or nomination).

Let's start with recurring Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader. Nader hosted the show on January 15, 1977. He then lost nominations for President in 1992, and 1996, and achieved the Green Party nomination in 2000, and Independent Party nominations in 2004 and 2008. He lost all three times.

"Well, Nader had no chance of winning, that's why he lost..."
Maybe, but let's move on:

Jesse Jackson. Hosted October 20th, 1984. He went on to lose the Democratic nomination in both 1984 and 1988 after a fairly impressive showing in the polls.

Steve Forbes. Hosted April 13th, 1996. He lost the Republican nomination in both 1996 and 2000. In 1996, he won two states in the primaries.

Al Sharpton. Hosted December 6th, 2003. Lost Democratic nomination for 2004 election.

Rudy Giuliani. Hosted November 22nd, 1997. He just missed the Republican nomination for the 2008 election.

On top of them, we have:

George McGovern. He hosted April 14th, 1984, which of course was after his two attempts at the Presidency (in 1968 and 1972). BUT, as I just learned, according to wikipedia McGovern also tried running for the Democratic nomination in 1984, and lost.

and of course:

Al Gore. Hosted December 14th, 2002. Yes, that's after he lost the 2000 election, but he's also a name that is still coming up (at least four newscasters mentioned him as a candidate DURING THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION). Time will only tell if Gore decides to run again.

So this leaves John McCain. McCain hosted on October 19th, 2002. It was a wretched show. The monologue was especially painful. Now, this was also after his loss of the nomination for the 2000 election, but as I'm sure you know, he's the Republican nominee this year.

Using this evidence above, I shall theorize that McCain will lose in November.

And just so you don't think I'm showing only the candidates who lost, these are the other politicians that have hosted SNL over the years.

Julian Bond. Hosted April 9th, 1977. Senator, never ran for President.
Ron Nessen. Hosted April 17, 1976. Gerald Ford's Press Secretary. Never ran for President.
Ed Koch. Hosted on May 14th, 1983 and May 12th, 1984. New York City Mayor. Never ran for President.

And here's another thing:
What about politicians who have just appeared on SNL, but haven't hosted? I searched online, but I couldn't find a list of these occurrences. Off the top of my head, I know that Gerald Ford appeared on the Ron Nessen episode in 1976 (saying the famous "Live From New York..." line), and lost the Presidential election soon afterwords. Jesse Jackson appeared after Dr. Seuss died, but that was after his Presidential defeats. Lamarr Alexander appeared in a skit right before losing the Republican Nomination. Ralph Nader appeared many years later in a skit before his Presidential campaigns. George H.W. Bush appeared on one episode, but I'm not sure if it was before or after he lost the 1992 election. Former Senator Paul Simon appeared on one episode in the 1980s right before he lost the Democratic nomination for President. I actually think Al Gore appeared briefly on an SNL political special in 2000. Giuliani appeared at least twice more on the show after he hosted. And most recently, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, John McCain and Sarah Palin have all made appearances on the show. Hmm. Maybe Bob Barr will win this election!

Culture Jamming: More Confusing Than Ever!

2008-10-25T12:22:00.005-04:00

So, I'm going to admit that I've been keeping track of all the places the "Chan We Need" pictures have shown up on the internet. Every time I think the 15 minutes are over another site links to them. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face, guys. Everyone at Nonsense Humor Magazine is tickled pink by all of this.

Well, except for Pilot...she's still apathetic.

Anyway, one of the terms that many bloggers are using to describe our little stunt is "Culture Jamming".

I'm gonna admit...I don't think I had even heard of that term prior to this. To quote wikipedia, culture jamming is:

...an individualistic turning away from all forms of herd mentality – including that of movements – and by that definition, culture jamming is generally not treated as a movement. Culture jamming is not defined by any specific political position or message, nor even by any specific cultural position or message. The common thread is mainly an urge to poke fun at the homogeneous nature of popular culture, often by means of guerrilla communication (communication unsanctioned or opposed by government or other powers-that-be).

Huh? Ok, how about this:

Culture jamming sometimes entails transforming mass media to produce ironic or satirical commentary about itself, using the original medium's communication method...To have a good laugh (and to encourage others to do likewise) at the expense of prevailing social currents - many purveyors of which, in the opinion of many culture jammers, take themselves too seriously. Even culture jammers themselves are not immune to being the subjects of culture jamming, if they appear to be on their way to becoming as institutionalized and humorless as the original objects of culture jammers' attention...To reawaken a sense of wonder and fascination about one's surrounding environment, inspired by the frequent intentional ambiguity of a specific culture jamming technique, which stimulates personal interpretation and independent thinking...To demonstrate contrasts between iconic images, practices or attitudes and the realities or perceived negative side of the item object of the jamming (often the target is a trapping of monolithic power structures such as corporations, government or religions). This is often done symbolically, with the "detournement" of pop iconography...To provoke an interest in civic engagement and social connectedness.

Alright that makes sense. I can definitely see that term being used for this. I just called it performance art, but culture jamming certainly is a better term.

The wikipedia page also tells me that the term was coined by the experimental band Negativeland, which to me is really funny, because I'm pretty sure I own every album Negativland has ever made, and still have never heard this term.

So, I'm not sure how much longer this internet meme is going to last, but we're very glad that we got to be a part of "underground culture" (at least according to wikipedia).

By the way, Pilot's "I Scissored Sarah Palin" picture has also been everywhere on the internet. Congrats to her.

Next Week There's A Choice Between Blue Or Red Pill

2008-10-22T12:16:00.004-04:00

Here's what really pisses me off about the new season of Heroes.

You know Usutu, the African Precog played by Ntare Guma Mbaho Mwine, who though his ability to paint the future helps set Matt Parkman and now it seems Hiro and Ando in the right direction? He's a total abuse of the mystical stock character known as the "Magical Negro".

The white characters come to him looking for answers, and through his magical ability of precognitive painting (and headphones?) he shows them some special insight and sends them along on their way.

To quote wikipedia:

He has no past; he simply appears one day to help the white protagonist...He is patient and wise, often dispensing various words of wisdom, and is "closer to the earth"...Although from a certain perspective the character may seem to be showing African-Americans in a positive light, he is still ultimately subordinate to European-Americans. He is also regarded as an exception, allowing white America to like individual black people but not black culture.

Well, I guess if it's good enough for Grant Morrison's Batman...

Dear Prudence, Won't You Open Up Your Eyes?

2008-10-21T11:32:00.006-04:00

Since my last post seems to have been linked-to all over the internet, I've been a little hesitant to post anything new. Can I top that? Are people actually going to be reading this now? Shit.

Now, add to that my recent experience in a local Coldstone where some fourteen year old girl tried to hit on me (I'm serious). Yeah, it was cute that she thought she could flirt with a guy ten years older than her...I smiled and left the store, slightly laughing to myself. That didn't freak me out.

What freaked me out was when telling this story to my friends, they all said I should have made sure she was fourteen and not a really young looking eighteen year old.

Um...No?

Anyway, I figured I'd complain today about bad relationship advice:

Slate.com's Dear Prudence column recently posted a piece of outrageously bad advice.

Some woman wrote in claiming that her boyfriend is a "genius" and that she always loses in arguments to him because he sees everything logically and rational, and she feels like she always has to compromise.

My boyfriend and I are both in our early 20s and have been dating for three years. We have a really strong relationship in almost every way, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. But here's the rub: My boyfriend is a genius. In so many ways, I love this about him. He challenges me to think about things, I am constantly learning, and he is always honest and rational. Unfortunately, these last two qualities have caused a bit of strain. I consider myself a very intelligent person also—nowhere near his level, but I've always felt confident academically. This sometimes takes a hit when I am around him. I rarely win arguments because I simply can't keep up with him. In matters of politics or world issues, this can be frustrating, but it doesn't really raise my ire. However, sometimes his argumentative style and calculating rationale are applied to our relationship. In many situations, I feel as though I am the one who has to compromise because he always wins the argument. I know my positions are reasonable, but I just can't articulate them as well as he does. I have talked to my boyfriend about this, but I think he has a hard time seeing my point of view—that though my feelings may not always be logical or rational, they are still valid. Am I being unreasonable for wanting a little bit of slack, or should I just accept that I'm dating Dr. Manhattan and let it go?

She's making a legitimate complaint here, one which "Prudie" does hit upon (slightly). He isn't really as intelligent as he claims if he can't see her feelings; if he doesn't realize that being a "genius" also means knowing when to shut up and letting other people be victorious. He needs to learn emotional intelligence.

Now I'm no advice column writer, but I'm sure I could write a well-written response to this girl, pointing out my above answers, and also explaining to her that she doesn't need to feel emotionally belittled by him (his constant parading of intelligence has made her second guess her self-worth).

If I can do that while not being a professional in this field, surely Prudie can do even better, right?

Well, no.

Prudie decides it would be much better to belittle this girl further, essentially telling her she's an idiot for putting up with him for so long when he obviously has problems (and ones that anyone with a brain can see!).

Did you conclude on your own that your boyfriend is a genius, or is this one of the things he had to articulate to poor, dumb you? I don't know what his IQ is, but his emotional intelligence comes in somewhere around "dolt." I'll take your word that you're dating a virtual Einstein, but take mine that he's an arrogant twit who's got you confusing bullying for brilliance. It's also possible he has some kind of disorder that leaves him unable to process the feelings of others. If so, he should be seeking help, or else he is destined to go through life alienating co-workers, friends, and loved ones like you. Actually, you might want to examine why you have spent three years being told by Mr. Spock that what you say has no validity because it lacks rationality. Mr. Spock and Dr. Manhattan are effective characters because while they seem human, their lack of emotion and empathy means they aren't quite. So give your mastermind a copy of Emotional Intelligence and tell him it's about a subject in which he's deficient, but it's important for the two of you that he learn.

Yes Prudie, that's what the girl needed...someone else telling her that her decisions were neither logical nor rational.

Further, this girl references both Hamlet AND Watchmen in her letter. If her boyfriend doesn't make every effort to keep her, then he really is an idiot.

Yes We Chan!

2008-10-16T02:59:00.007-04:00

I'd like to take some time out to talk about my alma mater.

Hofstra University hosted the 3rd and final presidential debate this evening. We were all very proud.

While the candidates were embarrassing themselves within the David S. Mack Arena, Hofstra itself was being embarrassed on live TV...by my friends.

You see, I was a part of a certain society at Hofstra, I don't know if I need to mention it's name...ok, it was called NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE. We are in fact Hofstra's Only Intentional Humor Magazine.

Current members and Alumni alike (i.e. me) infiltrated the debate coverage tonight, creating fake posters and signs, and trying to get on MSNBC. Finally, after the debate, that goal was achieved.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/27207488#27207680

If you look right behind Andrea Mitchell, you'll notice a few odd campaign signs in the background. They look like they could be Barack Obama signs...but not quite...you see, these signs were promoting a little known campaign. They were promoting the Presidential run of Jackie Chan.

In that screen shot you can clearly see two members holding up signs proclaiming a "Chan We Need" and "Chan"

There we have yet another "Chan" sign as well as one of our "I'm Apathetic" posters.

Finally in this one you see current editor Brendan Smyth showing his support for Bob Barr with his hand made sign.

During the commercial break the Obama campaign called and demanded that Nonsense take down the signs. Pussies.

We shall not be silenced! The campaign of Jackie Chan will go on! Let Jackie debate! Let Jackie debate!

It's not like he's the only candidate that wasn't born in this country.

So, this little Improve Everywhere-like idea was cut short by a candidate who couldn't take a joke...Nonsense still came out on top.

Chris Matthews took an issue of Nonsense and enjoyed it. He also signed a copy for an alumna.

Matthews's aid then asked what another sign one of our members was holding up meant. The sign in question said "I Scissored Sarah Palin". An explanation was given, and hilarity ensued.

There will of course be people who will complain about this act of comedy. Nothing unusual about that. When I was the Managing Editor of this magazine, someone complained every week. In it's 25 years of existence not a year went by without a controversy.

If we're not offending people we're not doing our jobs. Comedy is meant to upset the status quo. It's meant to challenge authority.

I love free speech.

I love Nonsense Humor Magazine.

And I'll love Hofstra University if they understand that.

Why I Still Read Pitchfork

2008-10-13T15:15:00.004-04:00

I remember a time when I used to read Pitchforkmedia every day. I looked through all the news, and enjoyed reading the album reviews. That year was 2003.

I had just started working for the Hofstra Chronicle, writing album reviews for their entertainment section. My first reviews were very bland, and if they were by anyone else, I probably would never have even read them. I needed a better writing style, something that would attract attention. Enter Brent DiCrescenzo.

Brent DiCrescenzo broke every rule when it came to writing album reviews. He referred to himself throughout his reviews; he went on huge tangents that only paid off at the end; he told stories and made up characters in hopes of getting his audience to relate to his point-of-view better. He worshiped at the altar of Hunter S. Thompson just as often as he did Robert Christgau. He was very interesting to read, even if you didn't agree with what he was saying. Dare I claim that what he was writing for Pitchfork was in fact beyond criticism, but rather, art.

It wasn't just DiCrescenzo. Many of Pitchfork's stable of writers at the time were tryng new things with their reviews. I was a fan of Dominique Leone, Amanda Petrusich, Nick Sylvester, Mark Richardson, Douglas Wolk and of course Ryan Schreiber.

So, of course, I completely aped their styles, and as my former editor Taylor Long can tell you: people started reading my reviews. I know this, because I have the hate mail.

So, back to the point. That was 2003. Since then, Pitchfork has gone down in quality a great deal. DiCrescenzo left to pursue to another writing gig, Leone just released his first (excellent) full length LP, Petrusich just wrote a book I'm dying to read, and for the most part, the current crop of writers aren't nearly as experimental as the old ones (Scott Plagenhoef's continuous attempts aside). The biggest criticism Pitchfork gets these days (actually, I guess they've always gotten this criticism) is that they are pretentious and elitists. Their reviews reek of the arrogance that mars the line between being a taste-maker and just being Holier-than-thou.

And honestly, it's completely true. It's sad to see one of my influences that was so strong once, completely make themselves irrelevant.

So why do I still read it then? Well, I'm always on the look out for new music that I have yet to hear. I'm always trying to find stuff that I don't know yet. If the website provides me with these criteria, then I see no reason to abandon them. If I get something out of my reading, why is that bad? Today was a perfect example of why I still read Pitchfork.

Before today, I had never heard of Alton Ellis. Sadly, Ellis died recently, and Pitchfork ran their obituary and also a few song suggestions.

And my God, he is fantastic.

I've never really explored the genre of rocksteady that deep, but now, now I think I must because this song is terrific:

name="allowFullScreen" value="true">

That's all I ask from Pitchfork, recommend something to me that I might like, and I'll still glance over your site every day. Is that such a bad reason to still read the site? Am I wrong? Tell me.

And R.I.P Alton Ellis.

A Rose By Any Other Name

2008-10-11T12:35:00.002-04:00

Carsi over at Saisosparkle found a very funny error on imdb's WENN updates.

Here She Comes/That Little Town Flirt/You're Fallin' For Her/And You're Gonna Get Hurt

2008-10-07T14:16:00.005-04:00

Anyone who watched the Vice-Presidential debate last week probably noticed Sarah Palin's Lucille Bluth-like winks:

(this image was stolen directly from synecdoche)

Flirting with the audience is certainly one way to get people to stop listening to what you are (or aren't) saying. I wonder though, if anyone actually is voting for McCain/Palin now, based solely on the suggestion that Sarah Palin was flirting with them.

Writer John Rogers neatly sums up the response to that:

Modern American Conservatives have sunk to the intellectual and emotional level of the guy who thinks the stripper really likes him.

I've got to take it a step further John. It's not just Palin's flirty winks, but everything any politician does EVER to get people to vote for them. If you think the politician is really listening to you, and really cares about your specific problem, then I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but the lap dance still costs $60.

Politicians are cheap strippers.

And Another Reason Why I Love Stephen Colbert

2008-10-04T16:08:00.002-04:00

found via Videogum:

Also, he totally took George Will's words completely out of context.

Making Cancer Funny Again

2008-10-04T12:29:00.003-04:00

Satirist P.J. O'Rourke, one of my comedy writing idols, has been diagnosed with cancer.

Cancer of the ass.

Apparently, this is a real thing. O'Rourke has a malignant hemorrhoid. He doesn't go into detail about how this is possible (thank God), but I'm still very confused about it. How on earth did he find out he has cancer of the ass?

And is there a funnier cancer a comedy writer could possibly be diagnosed with? Honestly, cancer of the ass?

As I stated above, O'Rourke was one of my comedy writing heroes. In the mid-70's he was the editor of National Lampoon and was one of the writers who worked on the fantastic (and out of print)1964 High School Yearbook Parody (which if you haven't read, you must. It is perfect). O'Rourke then went on to Hollywood, where he wrote the screenplay for the Rodney Dangerfield movie "Easy Money". After that harrowing experience, he turned his sights to the social satire in Washington D.C. His book "Parliament Of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government" is among one of the best political satire books ever written.

Since then, O'Rourke, like many of his age group, has gone from biting satirist to old complaining curmudgeon. His rants aren't really funny anymore, and now just sound like a more republican Dennis Miller. I haven't even bothered with many of his recent books---most of which require an annotated knowledge of the works of Adam Smith-- really, everything comes down to Parliament of Whores. That's his best post-National Lampoon work. Start there, and then go explore his further works (may I suggest "All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty")

Get well soon P.J.!

And I Was Doing So Well...

2008-09-30T17:52:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. I'll get on that as soon as I can. I have a post waiting that I just need to fact check. Seriously.

In the meantime, look at this. Somebody actually put together a video of all the worst moments in Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin. Somehow it's only ten minutes long.

Also, I'm on twitter now. So...find me I guess.

Forgotten Comedy Of The Week

2008-09-10T16:36:00.003-04:00

I never was that big a fan of Cedric The Entertainer. The whole "Kings Of Comedy" thing just never appealed to me, though I did understand why people liked Steve Harvey, Bernie Mac and the such.

One of the few times that I that I forced myself to reconsider Cedric was his short lived Fox show "Cedric The Entertainer Presents..."

Cedric was just coming off a string of hits at the time, starting with the 'Original Kings of Comedy' tour in 2000 and running up to the release of 'Barbershop' in 2002. To Fox's credit, this was probably the best time to try Cedric out on network TV with his own sketch show.

"Cedric The Entertainer Presents..." lasted only one season. The show was never able to achieve the level of comedy they were aiming for...instead of the biting satire of Dave Chappelle, they seemed more like the buffoonery of Martin Lawrence. I gave up on it after the first episode.

But that first episode. They were trying something there...

The major problem of the first episode was that they were trying too hard to be "In Living Color" (Fox's early 90s hit sketch show which brought to stardom The Wayens Brothers, Jaimie Fox and Jim Carrey), and not trying hard enough to be anything worth watching. The show was set up with many potential reoccurring characters that would come on screen and offer a witty catch-phrase, and basically have a uni-plot for every skit they were in. Like I said, it was nothing special.

Now, I know I said above that I reevaluated Cedric because of this show. Well, yes...but it was really just for one skit: "Que Hora Es?", the Mexican soap opera for people who only had three weeks of Spanish in the 4th grade.

Looking back at it today, the skit isn't without it's faults. The concept runs a little dry after the second minute in. Some of the jokes seem a little two easy. And I think I would have been more impressed if they were able to make some sort of a plot out of the use of only well-known phrases.

Then again, I guess there is some sort of plot on the screen...dare I call it the Mexican soap opera "uni-plot" as well.

Regardless of it's problems, the skit does bring a smile to my face, and I hope will also bring one to yours.

This video was found via Kevin Church.

Everytime you listen to 'Slippery When Wet', a Kitten Dies

2008-09-09T22:34:00.006-04:00

I am very disturbed by this article in USA Today about this years Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions.

According to the writer, the band that has the best shot of being inducted into the Hall this year is...Bon Jovi:

So, let's think about this for a second. If he's right:

Bon Jovi--Rock and Roll Hall of Famers.
The Stooges--Not Rock and Roll Hall of Famers.

This has been a horrible week for music.

This Is Just Too Easy

2008-09-07T18:04:00.002-04:00

Front page of Myspace.com:

If this is true, then I have severely misjudged the current music scene.

The Video Is Brought To You By The Letters T & V

2008-08-30T17:12:00.004-04:00

I don't know about this Ben, Sesame Street seems like the wrong place to promote a movie like "The Cable Guy":

(I think the embedded video was taken down, but here's a link)

I don't know what year this video was, but the fact that The Cable Guy, a very-adult movie Ben Stiller directed, is referenced in the video just makes me feel weird.

My Obama DNC Speech Drinking Game

2008-08-28T20:48:00.008-04:00

Play Along At Home!

The Obama DNC Speech Drinking Game

If Obama Says…:.....Action That Should Be Taken:

The word “Change”...........Take a gulp of beer
The word “Hope” .............Take a gulp of beer
The word “Freedom” .......Take 3 gulps of beer

Mentions Energy Crisis ....Take 2 gulps of beer
Mentions Gas Crisis ..........Take a gulp of beer
Mentions the Economy .....Take a gulp of beer
Mentions the Poor ............Take 2 gulps of beer

Mentions Hillary ..................Take 4 gulps of beer
Calls McCain Old ..................Finish beer
Calls For Democrats to Unite ..Take 3 gulps of beer

Mentions God ..........................Take a gulp of beer
Mentions his Faith ..................Take a gulp of beer
Mentions his (ex) Pastor ...........Take 4 gulps of beer
Mentions being a ‘secret Muslim’ ...Finish Beer

Says “YES WE CAN” ................Take 2 gulps of beer

Hillary fans BOO during any
part of his speech .......................Take 4 gulps of beer
Calls Democrats
“The Party Of Jefferson” ...........Take 5 gulps of beer

Says “Change We Can Believe In” .............Take 4 gulps of beer
Mentions his “European Friends” .............Take 4 gulps of beer
Makes any reference to the Media ...........Take a gulp of beer

Mentions he’s biracial ...............................Take 2 gulps of beer
Mentions his childhood in any capacity .....Take 3 gulps of beer
Mentions “Checking Air in Tires” ..............Take 4 gulps of beer

Mentions his wife ..................................Take a gulp of beer
Mentions his wife and doesn’t call her by name ..Take 2 gulps of beer
Mentions his wife and doesn’t call her by
right name...................................................... Finish Beer

Says “Where All The White Women At?” ............Vote For McCain

"And I Won't Get Any Older, Now the Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes"

2008-08-25T14:37:00.005-04:00

Happy birthday Elvis Costello!!!

The man out of time turns 54 today.

This video is from Saturday Night Live's 25th anniversary show, re-enacting Costello's "sabotage" of his own set back in the 70s.

My Apartment is a Safe Space for Gullible Women

2008-08-25T14:11:00.005-04:00

After re-watching this Twix commerical:

It has become apparent to me that the executives at Twix have no clue what blogs are.

Also, just a suggestion guys, you shouldn't use the term "my struggle" when creating sympathetic politically oppressed characters.

Now her friends buy her!

2008-08-24T20:53:00.009-04:00

A little late, but I don't care:

Have you heard? The British are FREAKING OUT! And, get this...it's over Barbie!

The Sun has the headline: "S&M Barbie Is Lashed By Public"
My word! What is this all about?

Mattel is releasing a fall line of Barbies that are based on DC Comic superheroes. Included in this collection are icons Wonder Woman and Supergirl, fan favorite Batgirl (Barbra Gordon), and my favorite comic book character to ever wear fishnets, Black Canary:

Poor Dinah Lance is this "S&M Barbie" all because her costume (since the 1940s by the way!) contains fishnet stockings and black leather.

Golly! What would Dr. Frederic Wertham think? I mean, he claimed Batman and Robin are a gay fantasy, and that Wonder Woman's independence made her a lesbian! But...fetish gear made to attract heterosexual males? In comics? Gasp! Hang on to your monocles!

Hey, S&M Barbie, have you met Bild Lilli?

What do you mean no? She's family! In fact, she's the doll you were based on. Well, not you specifically S&M Barbie, but the original 1959 Barbie. Yeah, she's old. Let me tell you about Lilli: she was a German doll, that was primarily marketed to men as a sex toy.

Oh. Well. Now this is awkward, isn't it.

Yes, Barbie was based on a German sex doll, which makes this quote from British Group Christian Voice about S&M Barbie even funnier: “Barbie has always been on the tarty side and this is taking it too far. A children’s doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible – it’s filth.”

No, no, Bild Lilli, don't cry, they weren't talking about you, you were marketed to men...it's not your fault that Ruth Handler ripped off your design almost completely for her original Barbie doll...aimed at little girls...

Here's a 1955 Lilli on the left, and a 1959 Barbie on the right.

Now you might be asking "where on earth did this Lilli come from originally anyway?!" Well, would you believe a comic strip?

(Translation from German: "I'm a Whore. Let's go fuck!")

Oh My!

Lilli was a comic strip character created by Reinhard Beuthien for the German newspaper Bild-Zeitung in 1952. Her strips usually involved her using her sexuality to attract men and gain money. In fact, one newspaper (from Australia) even goes as far as to call her a "comic strip prostitute"

Now I understand why Ken isn't atomically correct. Who knows what diseases Barbie inherited from her slutty mother?

(On a side note, those Lilli strips kind of remind me of Harvey Kurtzman and Will Elder's Playboy comic "Little Annie Fannie". The main difference is try doing a google search of "Little Annie Fannie" and you get pages of results. Then try searching for the Lilli comic strip and you get the same two images that I posted here. How has this not been archived better?)

So, everyone that's freaking out over Barbie being dressed like Black Canary, S&M gear and all, maybe you should take a look at your tarty children's dolls' history first.

Plus, have you seen their Supergirl doll? Jeez, she's only like 16 in the books...

Looking Over My Blog

2008-08-23T19:28:00.002-04:00

Man, do I need to learn formatting.

There's been a lack of updates recently, I know. I've been looking for a new place to live and that's taken up most of my time. I'm going to try to update tomorrow. Anybody hear about that whole Black Canary Barbie thing? We'll, I have some stuff to say about it...three weeks late.

Whatever, no ones reading anyway.

Politicos Will Latch Onto Anything To Prove Their Point

2008-08-05T12:34:00.004-04:00

This was sent to me:

"Liberals live in a world of “and.” Full security and full civil liberties. Universal health care and the best quality with no waiting. A dynamic economy and full welfare and unemployment benefits. Liberals, in other words, live in that scene in Spider-Man in which Spidey, forced to choose between saving a tram car full of innocent civilians and saving his girlfriend, chooses both. Liberals live in a fantasy.

Conservatives, though, live in a world of tradeoffs, of either/or. For having this relationship with reality, conservatives are caricatured as grumpy, stingy and negative. Surely all it takes is a bump in taxes on the wealthy and everything will be affordable? Where’s the Hope? Where’s the Dream? Yes, we can!"

Ouch.

And to think, the article was talking about the politics of The Dark Knight...

Can't Stop Now, This Is Bat Country

2008-07-21T16:08:00.001-04:00

That Was FANTASTIC.

Shiny Happy Monsters

2008-07-19T14:13:00.005-04:00

Feist, everyone's favorite Canadian countress finally performed "1234" on Sesame Street:

It's pretty cool, but..."Chickens just back from the shore"??

I don't even know where to start with that one...

I'm a little disappointed though...when I heard of this, I was promised Count Von Count. There is no Count Von Count in this clip. Way to go Sesame Street, great job dropping the ball on that one.

I Guess Once Again, Comedy Has Done It's Job...

2008-07-18T18:04:00.004-04:00

I know that everyone has commented on this already, but it seems that people still don't understand it.

The recent New Yorker cover:

IT'S SATIRE!!!!!!!

The Daily Show made the point pretty well, but still I hear people (read:Newscasters) saying that they think it is offensive...

Look at it like this: If we took all of the descriptions of Barack Obama and his wife Michelle that every commentator on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and the such, have said in the past, and given those descriptions to a sketch artist, who has no clue who these people are, this would be the result. The Media has made this image of the Obamas, and now, THEY think it's offensive.

Unbefuckinglievable.

Fear and Loathing In 1903

2008-07-09T13:39:00.005-04:00

Picture yourself in a movie theater in 1903. You've just sat down to watch this new "film" thingy called "The Great Train Robbery". The "film" starts, and you're skeptical. "The way that camera moved made me dizzy!". After an exhausting 12 minutes later, the film finally ends, except...suddenly, one of the bad guys from the movie faces you--THE AUDIENCE--and slowly raises a gun. Oh no! We're doomed! He's going to fire upon us! Nooooo!

Scared? No? Well, that's because we aren't idiots.

**********************************************************************************
I remember watching a great Simpsons 'Tree House Of Horrors' episode where they did their take on Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven".

At the end of the story, Bart questions the poem's classification as horror:

Bart: Lisa, that wasn't scary, not even for a poem.
Lisa: Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then.

Lisa suggests that people in the past were a lot more prone to easy scares than we are today. (How else could the romantic horror of "The Raven" ever give someone the chills they get today while watching something like "The Ring".)

Maybe using this theory, we could infer that in 1903, when Thomas Edison and Edwin S. Porter's "The Great Train Robbery" came out, people were still easily scared, and a fictional character on a movie screen could actually pose a real threat.

No, I'm sorry, I've got to call BULLSHIT.

I know film was a new medium at the time, and theoretically, many of the people in the theater probably didn't know what "the moving pictures" were capable of, but to honestly believe that a character on a screen can break the fourth wall and shoot you? Come on.

The movie-going audience of 1903 was more familiar with live theater like plays, and vaudeville, so maybe they though the same rules apply. In a live performance, yes, a guy holding a gun on stage has the ability to actually shoot through the fourth wall...but here's the kicker...I bet that if this was an actual live performance, the audience wouldn't have even blinked. I bring your attention to the Iroquois Theater Fire of 1903. At no more than a month old, the theater broke out into flames during a performance. As the fire spread out of control, THE AUDIENCE DIDN'T MOVE. They thought it was all part of the performance. The actors kept on acting and the dancers kept on dancing. It wasn't until comedian Eddie Foy told the audience that it's wasn't part of the act that anybody did anything.

602 people died because the audience wasn't scared of no heat and flames.

But a 2 dimensional movie character shooting through the fourth wall...well now, that's a pants pisser.

I also have to call bullshit on the idea that people were more prone to be scared back then than today. Case in point.

So, I'm calling every film professor in this country wrong. There ain't no way in hell the people of 1903 were scared of being shot by a two dimensional man. Unless of course, they were idiots.

The Coolest Thing I've Seen All Week

2008-07-01T13:20:00.002-04:00

This comes directly from Taylor over at T-Sides. It is apparently Neko Case performing Chuck Berry's "Brown Eyed Handsome Man" on a Chicago-based kids dance program. While that is cool within itself, the fact that they all start dancing to KC and the Sunshine Band afterwards just makes it even more amazing.

Taylor didn't know what show this is, so I did a little research, and found out that it is a public access show called Chic-a-go-go, and it is AWESOME.

According to their website, they've not only had Neko Case on their show, but also, The Standells The 5,6,7,8's, The Pretty Things, The Specials, and Dante's Infernal Racket favorite ? and The Mysterians! Holy Shit! I'm moving to Chicago!

Myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/chicagogoshow

Hey, I'm living in a magazine/ Page to page in my teenage dream

2008-07-01T12:51:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday Debbie Harry!

The Queen of New York Punk turns 63 today.

For your enjoyment, Debbie explaining punk rock to a bunch of little kids. It might be the greatest thing I've ever seen.

The Most 90's Cover Ever Contest

2008-06-28T23:51:00.003-04:00

When I heard that the new Wolverine movie would feature cameos by Sabretooth, Gambit, Deadpool, Maverick, Col. Stryker, Wraith and Silver Fox, I felt a certain nostalgia for horrible 90s Marvel comics and their cluttered, line-filled, exaggeratedly-proportioned covers. So, I headed over to my longboxes, with the intention of pulling out a few Wolverine-filled issues of Fantastic Four, Thor, and Conan, only to find that I didn't have any. I had forgotten I gave them away years ago.

That was a relief. No one should have to relive those horrible days.

Well, unless there's a contest going on that is...

Chris Sims, at the-isb and Phil at Poptown! have come up with a contest to find the most 90's cover ever. This of course had the potential to be ridiculously fun, or well, it did until Kevin Church kicked everyone elses butts with his entry. Yeah, he won.

But what the hell. Here's my entry:

I figured it I can't beat Kevin, I'd cheat. This is an issue that hasn't even come out yet. In fact, it's not due till September of this year.

King Size Cable Spectacular #1.

Why is this cover from 2008 so 90's?

First off, it has Cable and Bishop on it.

Also:
-Improbably large muscles.
-Bionic Arms.
-Obscured Feet.
-Shitty Perspective.
-Gun that's larger than half of Cable's head.
-But not Bishop's hand.
-Cable's facial expression makes him look constipated.
-Rubble and Destruction are everywhere!
-Shoulder pad!
-Cable's face has more lines than a Woodstock '98 concession stand

Damn. Maybe it's a retro cover or something? Like how Liefield is doing the variants for the current Youngblood series? Maybe?

The Career Of Will Ferrell

2008-06-24T15:40:00.008-04:00

One of the biggest shames in the world of comedy is the slow decline of Will Ferrell.

Ok, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but let me ask you, do you know anyone who has any interest in seeing this:

Yeah, and here's the sad part. At one time, this would have been the role that Will Ferrell was perfect for. Roles that involve pompous, windbag, over-acting/reacting, Ignatius J. Reilly-like man-childs, allowed him to shine.

Sadly, it's come to the point where no one cares anymore. After one bad sports movie parody after another (after another, after another), is there anything left to get excited about? The last time I really looked forward to a Will Ferrell movie was 2004, when Anchorman promised to be the most absurdest piece of surreal-ness to hit the cinema since Airplane 2: The Sequel. Now even a much-talked about Anchorman sequel doesn't even get a rise out of me. And that's a shame, because the man has so much talent, and has shown it before numerous times. So, here is the best 5 Will Ferrell projects, and the 5 most overrated.

The best 5:

5)Elf (2003)

Feel-good family Christmas films haven't exactly been works of high art in recent years, or for that matter, even good films (or watchable), but there was once a time when a Christmas film didn't have to insult your intelligence, and could be, dare I say it, good natured AND a fine film. While "Elf" is not cinematic gold, it is an enjoyable family film where Will Ferrell plays his role perfectly. That child-like spark of enthusiasm in his eyes when he sees something fun just makes the movie. When his overacting is not making a meta-joke about acting itself, it's perfect for keeping kids entertained.

4)Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

"Charlie Kauffman-lite" was among the insults that were thrown at this movie (and I can't deny that I was one of the insult-slingers), but amidst the not-uncalled for comparisons, the actual movie was lost. Is it perfect? No, most of Will Ferrell's movies are not perfect. The movie is notable though for being an experiment to see if Will Ferrell can work in a more restrictive environment, and the answer is a huge "yes". When he's not overacting, it appears that Will Ferrell can adequately act. Now, if only he can do this in a better movie.

3)"The Landlord" and "Good Cop, Baby Cop" (both 2007)

Alright, so the reason that both of these www.funnyordie.com skits were funny is because of little Pearl McKay. But, the joke would have fallen completely flat if not for Will Ferrell's reactions to Adam McKay's daughter. But you knew that already.

2) The Oblongs (2001-2002)

The critical reaction to The Oblongs was less than enthusiastic. In fact, I can't find one good review. On show creator Angus Oblong's website he makes a list of all the bad reviews and displays them proudly.

Oblong himself claims the show was a disaster. I disagree. Ok, I'm sure it could have been better, but from the episodes that I've seen airing on Adult Swim, I think it's genius.

1)Anchorman: The Story of Ron Burgundy (2004)

As I mentioned above, Anchorman was a mash-up of surreal gags, non sequiturs and Will Ferrell-style overacting that on paper seems like it should be the biggest mess in cinematic history. (In fact, the original script, which is more closely represented in Anchorman's "sequel" "Wake Up Ron Burgundy", is a huge unfunny mess. Most of what you see in Anchorman was the improvised scenes and last minute gags that happened on-set). Anchorman is the perfect example of Will Ferrell set free on screen to do whatever he wanted, his id just blazing about. The movie is one of the most spectacularly funny movies of the last decade, and possibly rivals the Marx Brothers for the wackiness content.

It's claimed that on the set of Dumb and Dumber, Jim Carrey's improvisations made a horrible script into a comedy classic. The actors of Anchorman did the same here.

Also great Will Ferrell projects: Most of his career on SNL, his supporting role in Zoolander, and his great cameo in Wedding Crashers. I'll mention Melinda & Melinda as well, as there was nothing particularly wrong with the concept of the movie, but Will Ferrell's acting was very held back, almost as if Woody Allen didn't know what he was getting into when he hired him.

The 5 Most Overrated:

I originally called this the "5 worst" until I looked at Will Ferrell's imdb page and remembered his was in Superstar, The Ladies Man, Boat Trip and Starsky and Hutch. Overrated is a lot better a choice than reliving those atrocities.

For something to be overrated people have to like it. At least more than a handful of people. So, something like "A Night At The Roxbury" doesn't count, because if you actually enjoy that movie, I think you can qualify for state aide.

5)Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

It's been a little while since I've sat through this movie, but I remember that I hated it. Will Ferrell shouldn't have been anywhere around this. In fact, it should be a rule that unless Kevin Smith has worked with the actor since before they were really famous (Ben Affleck, Jason Lee), big stars should never be in a Kevin Smith film. They only end up distracting from the script and compromising characters. Granted, Will Ferrell wasn't what ruined this movie, but his presence totally didn't help.

4)The Producers (2005)

You know who likes this movie? Drama majors and people who have never seen the original.

3)Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Exec #1: Hey, you know what my son was really into this year? That Will Ferrell comedy. What was it called...Anchorman?

Exec #2: Yeah we should make a another movie that's a complete retread of that one, colon and all...but we should include that other thing that people like...NASCAR!

Exec #3: Yeah! I saw Jay Leno make fun of NASCAR last night! He's funny! *

*Note, all movie executives talk like badly written characters from first drafts of scripts. How else could you explain "Hide and Seek"?

2)Blades of Glory (2007)

My eyes still hurt.

1) Old School (2003)

Ok, here's the thing. This isn't that BAD a movie. It's just that if I hear one more person make a Frank The Tank reference, 5 YEARS LATER, I might strangle them. You know what, I take back what I said. This is a terrible movie. Yeah, ok, it made me laugh, that scene where Luke Wilson walks in on his wife having an orgy was hilarious, but other than that, every joke in this movie has been done by some other movie before in some form or another, and it was funnier then! This is the movie that defined the regrettable "Frat Pack" and that right there should define why I hate this movie...Frat humor. No, not humor about fraternities, but rather humor that people in Chris Miller-like fraternities would find funny. I have as much use for this movie as I do for another frat staple, Dave Matthews. So call me elitist, I don't care. Call me a film snob if it makes you feel any better, but don't call me a fan of this movie, because that insults me. God, it's even got a friggen Snoop Dogg cameo in it! And I love Snoop, but come on, could we be pandering to the frat boy demographic any more obviously here. These are the type of people that, when I was Managing Editor of Nonsense Humor Magazine, would come up to me and ask for more fart jokes. These are the type of people that...dhsdfhsbfjffdbfdznmAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

...

...

...

I'm sorry, but I'm angry. Damn you Will Ferrell. Damn you.

Superman: Red State or Blue State?

2008-05-10T12:08:00.005-04:00

I hate to do another comic book related post so close to that last one, but this pisses me off:

Newsarama has reported that DC is doing a book where all the superheroes supposedly declare their political ideology.

No, this is a really stupid idea that has the potential to alienate half their readership. You know there are people that will throw a tantrum because they find out that their childhood hero is of the opposing party of themselves.

Superman Red or Blue?
And what happens when DC's Trinity declares their party? Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman are DC's flagship characters and their over-saturated icons. Whatever way they fall will certainly bare scrutiny from the fans that that's the way DC or Dan Didio (Editor of DC Comics) falls.

Dave's Long Box did a pretty good job with guessing superhero political parties last midterm election. For the most part I agree with him on everything, but the people in his comment section bring up quite a few good points that could just as easily go against what Dave Campbell had posted.

Since Superman has had so many different writers over the 70 years he's been in creation, each with their own personal politics and image for the Man of Steel, it's not a surprise that there has been so much evidence to push Superman either way on the spectrum.

The Golden Age version of Superman can be argued to be socialist (for the time), but probably would be regarded as a Moderate Democrat today. In his first issue, Action Comics #1, Superman,
Stops an execution,
Beats up a wife beater,
Dictates what should and shouldn't be in the news,
Tries to clean up Senate corruption,
And scares the shit out of a lobbyist.

And that's only by page 13!

When John Byrne took over Superman after Crisis on Infinite Earths he had Superman execute three criminals from the Phantom Zone (including General Zod). This is the Superman that Dave Campbell mentions in his blog as a Moderate Republican who supports the Death Penalty. Many thought that was out of character for Superman at the time, and it is refuted by Campbell's commentors (quite a bit actually) that Superman, despite this execution, is actually very against the death penalty. DC Comics eventually gave into the pressure and removed the execution and all previous General Zods from continuity during the events of Infinite Crisis (personally I think it should have stayed because it was quite an important part of Superman's characterization and ethical code).

When Joe Casey took over the book in the early 2000s he made Superman a full on pacifist who hated throwing a punch. This is probably the most liberal leaning Superman has been since the Golden Age.

Currently I'd probably say Superman is that Moderate Republican that Dave Campbell talks about, regardless of the execution. His small town values mixed with his big city styling kind of push him that way. I don't think Superman would declare himself to a political party though. He'd probably give a speech that he's not for only Democrats or Republicans, but that he's for all Americans, in fact, he'd say he's for all humans and creatures of the world. Superman hates partisanship and division, and he doesn't really consider himself to be of one country (despite the fact that he wears Red, White and Blue).

Now that I think about it, can Superman even legally vote? He's an illegal alien. He's from the planet Krypton; an adopted child of earth. Sure Clark Kent could be passed off as an earth native...he could even possibly have a Social Security Card...but with the public knowledge that Superman is an alien, would his endorsement of a candidate or political party have much weight, or even be asked for? And with Superman's personal ethics, knowing that he himself is not of earth, and therefore would not be allowed to vote in an election without proper citizenship authorization, do you think that Clark Kent votes, even though he technically can? Would he not vote on purpose just to be fair to all American citizens? To make him just as equal as the others? Maybe that's the inner socialist in him after all?

I was going to talk about some other heroes and their political ideologies here, but I might hold that over for another post because this one is getting too long. I do want to say one more thing though: Superman is an odd case for his time period. If he was to be this anti-authority socialist hero in the 30s and 40s then that was a direct opposite to all the other heroes at the time who were jingoistic, America-loving, Nazi-bashing, patriots. Superman definitely stood apart from them...in fact, unlike all his contemporaries, he never actually fought in the War! This probably has something to do with Superman's creators: Jerry Shuster and Joe Siegel. Yes, they certainly would have been anti-Hitler and would certainly have wanted Superman to fight the Third Reich (which I'm not saying Superman wasn't anti-Hitler, I'm just saying he didn't stand along side The Flash, Green Lantern, Manhunter, Robotman and the others in the All-Star Squadron on the European Front), but they also were urban liberal Jews from poor families.
There was no way Superman was going to represent a WASPy sentiment. He was going to be what his creators wanted: a savior for the poor Jewish people of the time. And at the time, that savior was looking more and more like socialism.

B-I-N-G-O and Fanboy were their names-Oh

2008-05-03T12:46:00.005-04:00

I did find time in my busy schedule to attend New York Comic Con last month. in lieu of a detailed review of the event like I gave last year, I wanted to post something I found on someone else's website:

Greg Hatcher in his awesome column on the Comics Should Be Good blog posted a game called Comic Con Bingo (which he says was created by Young American Comics). I figured it'd be a fun little thing to play to see if I really did encounter all of these stereotypes.

I'll analysis it later.

Well let's see:

Top Row: I can honestly say I didn't see anybody wearing socks and sandals, mostly because I wasn't really looking at anyone's feet. So no-go there.
Furries? Really? Come to think of it, thinking of furries in the cleanest way possible, yes I did see some furries.
Superhero tattoo? Yeah, I remember that, I think. Probably.
Fat Jedi? Absolutely. In fact, the place was filled with Fat Jedis and fat Stormtroopers. Oh comic con, you make me laugh.
"Hopeful with Portfolio" --like every three seconds in Artist Alley. You couldn't move in the place without bumping into one.

Second Row: Bald Guy With pony Tail--Does Peter David count? Heeey-Hooo!
B-List Celebrity not at table-I didn't see any, but I heard that many were there. Ranging from Bill Hader to...Bill Hader. Oh wait, does Stan Lee count? I saw him while on line. He wasn't at a table.
Long Black Trench Coat, Girl in comic shirt and Stripey Tights, yes to all three.

Third Row: Yes to this whole row, with no added commentary!

Fourth Row: "Over-Flowing Comic box/bag". I saw some guy with a luggage carrier.
Got T-shirt and Goth Pony-tails-- Does Peter David count?
Full Body Costume--Um...this should have been the free space. Have the makers of this never gone to a comic con before?
GF taller than BF--I mean, I wouldn't really know if they were dating unless I asked them, but sure I'm pretty sure I saw this.

Fifth Row: Wings--Both people wearing wings, and a poster for the first Oscar winner.
"Someone painted blue"--hmm. This year, I don't recall any blue people. In my head, I'm going through every possible blue character that could be a candidate for someone to dress up as at a con. Nightcrawler, Beast, Mystique, Blue Man group, Smurfs, Guardians of the Universe, post-incident Violet Beauregarde...I don't remember seeing any of them.
Kilt--no.
White-Boy Afro--No.
Porn Star--Does Peter David count?

yes, there was a porn star there, just like last year, and she had a booth. Again.

Well, I would have won on the second column. Yay.

Are we that predictable?

Sorry

2008-05-03T12:17:00.005-04:00

I woke up today to a phone call from a friend of mine asking me why I hadn't updated my blog since February. Possibly due to sleep deprivation, or to the fact that it was SIX THIRTY ON A SATURDAY MORNING and I had to get up for work very soon after that, I sarcastically (and unamusingly) inquired "Blog? What blog? I have a blog?"

Like I said, it was 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't trying to be funny.

Ridiculous phone calls aside, the reports that I haven't updated my blog here are true.

Yeah, sorry about that.

My fake online Reverend school has taken a lot out of me, what with term papers and "online blackboard discussion groups" and what not. I haven't really had time for anything fun outside of kicking ass in Super Smash Brothers occasionally.

(ok, and yes, going to Comic Con. Which was awesome by the way).

If it means anything, I also haven't done any stand-up since March, so this little-read blog is not the only thing that is suffering from my need to further my education.

My education, ruining my dreams since college.

After my final paper for this semester is in though, you better believe I'll be back to posting every week or so (you know, cause I'll find something better to do then as well...like reading the second volume of Geoff John's Stars and S.T.R.I.P.E.). SO, look forward to that!

Thanks for your patience guys.

Prince To Have Hip Replacement Operation?

2008-02-28T16:24:00.003-05:00

http://imdb.com/news/wenn/2008-02-28/#10

Alleged reports that pop star Prince has outgrown his own hipness seen to have been true, as this morning the Purple Rain singer checked into a British hospital to undergo "Hipness Replacement Surgery."

"It's a very complicated procedure," said Dr. Phinius Fogg of London's Secret Celebrity Hospital (SCH/St. George's), "but it's effects can benefit the "Under The Cherry Moon" star till long after his hopefully meaningful death."

Prince first hit the music scene in the late 70s with a fresh pop/soul sound. The star had a string of hits and a movie career in the 80s, but by the mid-90s had settled into an adult contemporary rut. "We knew it was critical when 'I Wanna Be Your Lover' was being played on WPLJ. I mean, that song's about sex!" said Suzanna Hoffs, long-time lead singer of The Bangles, and friend of the Prince family. "You should have seen Prince's face! It was like all {at this point Hoffs started making many odd facial expressions, most of which cannot be shown here because we were conducting a phone interview}."

Prince attempted a recovery of his hipness in the 2000's with three mediocre albums, most of which didn't get above a 6.0 on Pitchfork. As more and more time passed, it was obvious the once could-do-no-wrong Prince would need some kind of boost to regain what he once had hipness-wise.

Dr. Fogg wouldn't give any other information on the "Graffiti Bridge" star's current state after the operation, but did say that he hopes to get Prince "out and hip again" before Stereogum's next best of the year list.

Good Time Music for 2007

2008-02-07T18:20:00.001-05:00

I've been a baaaaaaaad boy.

I haven't updated in quite some time.

And the worst part...I have content. I really do. Here's something now:

Finally. Dante's Infernal Racket is proud to present:

Like the saying goes, better late than your mama's a whore.

10) Panda Bear-Person Pitch (Paw Tracks)

After holding up this list just to make sure that I got the full potential out of this album, I decided that it wasn’t good enough to make the cut. I enjoyed it, there was no question on that. I just didn’t think it had anything that I hadn’t heard before on one of Animal Collectives more accessible albums. For a day straight I listened to the album, trying to pull something out of it that I hadn’t heard the first time around. I kept playing through my head what everyone else was saying about it. Beach Boys. Beach Boys. Yeah, I hear where they’re getting Beach Boys from. Noah Lennox’s voice is a dead on Brian Wilson impression. The back up harmonies have that late-sixties sunshine pop feel. But that wasn’t a selling point to me anymore. Since before SMiLE came out, every other band is trying to sound like the Beach Boys. As a huge Wilson brothers fan, it pains me to say…stop it! Don’t try to emulate one of the best bands to ever make music. Be original. Be creative. Don’t try to be Brian Wilson.

I was fine with it when The Thrills first appeared because they were the first to wholesale rip the Boys off…but even they got tired of their sound and changed. Other sometimes-sunshine-poppy bands like Belle and Sebastian and Supergrass have so much else going for them, and so many other sounds, that their echoing didn’t annoy me much either. But now Panda Bear, which can best be described as a combination of the Beach Boys and Animal Collective…they’re just trying to remake Pet Sounds. Yes, it’s interesting, and yes, “Comfy in Nautica” and “Bros” were almost spot on. But can’t I get the same enjoyment (and possibly even better) from actually listening to The Beach Boys? Can’t I get the same (if not better) experimentation from putting Animal Collective’s Sung Tongs into my CD Player?

At first I said yes. Things changed. On Saturday I was having an AIM conversation with my former editor and the mind behind the T-Sides blog, Taylor Long. After being scolded for taking so long on this list, the topic of overrated albums came up…and I mentioned this one. “Billy! You, a huge Beach Boys fan don’t realize the greatness of this album!” “I’m sorry Taylor, I just thought it was overrated and not as amazing as everyone said it was.” “It’s more accessible than everything Animal Collective has ever done! Who cares if everyone else is doing the same thing! They’re doing it better! Listen to it again you mugwump!” *

So, I went back to my CD player and put the album in again. But this time I switched things up. I played the songs out of order. I paused the CD in between tracks. I made sure that the residue from the previous track was not still in my mind when I heard the next one. The result: success. (aside from a few snarky comments in my mind about the song titles “I get it, Carrots=Vegi-tables! Bros? The Wilson Brothers!”). Ok Taylor, I concede. It works as an album…when I’m not thinking about how much I hate the current crop of Beach Boy rip offs.

*Note, Taylor was not actually this excited/mean, nor did she use the word ‘mugwump’.

9) TIE: Nellie McKay- Obligatory Villagers, Patrick Cleandenim-Baby Come Home (Hungry Mouse, Broken Horse)

At certain points I feel like I’m the only fan Nellie McKay’s got. From her first album Get Away From Me, I fell in love with her song writing, her humor and her jazzy leanings. As one reviewer put it, “She’s like Frank Sinatra mixed with Eminem. A punk Norah Jones.” She was new, different, yet embodied in an older sound. If Debbie Harry came of age now, she’d be Nellie McKay. Her second album, Pretty Little Head, was a step in a different direction, but still an amazing piece of work, and maybe her best album. Now, her third full length album, Obligatory Villagers, is another reinvention of her sound…and though not as strong as Pretty Little Head, it is her most interesting album.

The password is ‘Broadway’. The album is full of showtune influence, and yet, the same energy and punky attitude that her former works had. “Identity Theft” sounds like it could have been the show-stopper in Wicked, and at the same time reminds me of Patti Smith (and even references Johnny Cash). “Galleon” would fit in fine with RENT, yet after the first minute would be mistaken for a Donna’s song. “Testify” is meant to portray a 1930’s prohibition revival meeting sound, another element of the old New York that McKay seems to be so fascinated with. It’s clear with this album, McKay is a New Yorker. She loves New York, and she wishes her life was just like the Great White Way.

Ironically, my favorite song on the album is not a Broadway style piece at all. It’s the opener, “Mother of Pearl”, a jokey Randy Newman-like ditty about feminists.

Now, Patrick Cleandenim. I had to put these two albums on the same number because of their similarities. Also because of how I got to find out of Mr Cleandenim’s work. It goes back to that same AIM conversation I was having with Ms. Taylor Long about Panda Bear (see above). At one point, I was trying to give her some Nellie McKay selections, and she mentioned that if I liked Nellie McKay that much, I should take a look at Patrick Cleandenim’s album. I also noticed that on her own top ten albums list, Baby Come Home made her number one rank. That’s pretty good for an album that I had never heard of before.

So I tracked down a copy of it (thank you iTunes!) and gave it a listen. Wow. Cleandenim is just as infatuated with early 20th century American music as McKay (and myself) are. I haven’t given it enough listens to write a full comprehensive review of the album, but I can promote this album as being one of the forgotten bests of the previous year. If you like Nellie McKay, or even the more poppyer work of Nick Cave and Tom Waits, give this a listen.

8)Rilo Kiley- Under The Blacklight (Warner Brothers)

Rabbit Fur Coat, Jenny Lewis’ 2006 solo effort, was one of my favorite albums of that year. The country sound that Lewis adapted for her solo release was far enough away from her work with Rilo Kiley, that it gave it the feeling of almost another band entirely. With the first Rilo Kiley album since Lewis’ solo experiment, Under the Blacklight, it seems that the rest of the band has adapted those same country influences (to an extent).

My only probably with the album is that the opening track “Silver Lining” has a guitar riff that at first seems like a George Harrison rip off (which is funny because the song in question, “My Sweet Lord” was deemed to be a rip off of the Chiffons' hit “He’s So Fine”.) Once you get past that, you realize how amazing the song actually is, but it seems a little odd to be that outright of a rip.

Almost all the songs on Blacklight seem to revolve around sex. Might it be to easy to jump to conclusions that some of these songs were inspired by the former relationships of the songwriters? If it weren’t for the fact that Jenny Lewis and her bandmate/ex-lover Blake Sennett had broken up some time ago, I’d say we must be hearing their breakup unfold, and would be drawing comparisons to Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors. Hell, those comparison’s are still somewhat valid, since some of the songs seem to be about Lewis’s relationship with Sennett. The only problem with this is that unlike Lindsey Buckingham, Sennett doesn’t get a chance to respond. His only song written without Lewis at all, “Dreamworld”, cartainly seems to take a few shots at a female figure, but it’s no “Go Your Own Way.”

7)The White Stripes-Icky Thump (Warner Brothers)

I’m not sure what I could say about Icky Thump that hasn’t already been said by everyone else. The mix of styles is excellently done, the Patti Page cover (“Conquest”) is a highlight of the album, and the title track is full on Stripes goodness. I guess I could mention that there is a slight Velvet Underground influence in “St. Andrew’s (The Battle Is In The Air)”…think “The Black Angel’s Death Song”. And I guess I’ll say that all the problems of Get Behind Me Satan are gone with this album. It’s just great. Give it a listen.

6)Spoon-Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (Merge)

Contrary to the song’s name, Spoon was not “The Underdog” in indie circles this year. Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga was one of the most looked forward to albums of 2007, and ended up being one of the best reviewed as well. The bouncy pop of the aforementioned “The Underdog”, or the undeniable catchiness of “You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb”, the introspectiveness in the lyrics of “Black Like Me”…everything here was a winner.

But, in the mainstream, Spoon are still nowhere. Even though the music is more catchy and more poppy than anything Avril Lavigne or even Gwen Stefani put out this year, the mainstream are still hesitant to latch onto Britt Daniel and crew. I guess that’s a good thing, but it’s also truly a shame that more people aren’t getting into this band. Do they sound too 70s to be accepted? Are they too minimalist? Will no one understand the spooky excellence of “My Little Japanese Cigarette Case”?

Well, it sucks for them, cause they’re the ones missing out.

5)Beirut- The Flying Club Cup (Ba Da Bing!)

The amazingness of Beirut's French jazz meets yeh-yeh pop hit me the first time I heard them. I guess I have a weakness for well done world music. Beirut is basically everything that you don’t hear in the mainstream, yet somehow still sounding familiar enough that the melodies are instantly recognizable, and the song sounds like a piece of imaginary nostalgia.

Zach Condon’s got a hell of a voice. It’s deep like Morrissey, and expressive like Billie Holiday and Jeff Buckley. His crooning alone could convey the whole emotion of the song. His music creates images of smokey French cafes where people like Jean-Paul Sartre sit and discuss existentialism or why Charles De Gaulle is a douche bag.

4)Jens Lekman- Night Falls Over Kortadala (Secretly Canadian)

Jens Lekman sounds like a happier Morrissey.

"When Shirin cuts my hair/It's like a love affair" Out of getting a haircut, Jens Lekman finds love. In "Your Arms Around Me", a song about accidentally cutting off the tip of your index finger, Jens Lekman sings about love. In "A Postcard To Nina", where our hero pretends to be his friend's boyfriend so that her parents won't know she's a lesbian, you guessed it, Jens Lekman says he'll do anything for love. Boy, Jens Lekman loves to sing about love, doesn't he?

The music can’t be seen as anything but happy, even when his lyrics are telling a tale of sadness. His chamber pop orchestration never slows down enough for the sugar high of the album to wear out. Like many perfect albums, it’s hard to write about, since there are no faults to point out. Just give it a listen yourself...Unless you hate being happy.

3)Radiohead- In Rainbows (self-released)

Radiohead’s come to a point where you either like them already or you don’t. They’re not going to be gaining any new fans they don’t have already, so my promotion of them isn’t going to mean squat. Let’s talk about how this album was given to the Radiohead friendly masses though.

As I’m sure you’ve heard already, Radiohead offered In Rainbows as a “choose your own price” type of deal. You went to the In Rainbows website, and typed in how much you were willing to pay for the album, and it was instantly downloaded to your computer. It’s quite a marketing concept, and as we all know it worked out in their favor.

Even if you’re not a fan of Radiohead’s music, you gotta appreciate what they did for the music business and the internet.

2)Kayne West- Graduation (Roc-A-Fella)

With the exception of the #1 album on this list, I don’t think I’ve ever played an album more times in a row than I have Kayne West’s Graduation. It was non-stop in my car for around two months. I couldn’t get enough of it. Every song was fantastic. The opening seconds of “Good Morning”, the Steely Dan sample in “Champion”, the use of Daft Punk in “Stronger”, the personal introspection in “Homecoming” and “Big Brother”. Every song. Perfect.

Except “Drunk And Hot Girls”. I could have done without that one.

1)Feist- The Reminder (Cherry Tree)

When Leslie Feist’s cover of the Bee Gee’s “Inside And Out” came out a few years ago, I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to hear more of that singer.

If I had to compare, I’d say that Feist sounds very similar to Joni Mitchell and Carly Simon, with the songwriting sensibility of Cat Stevens. She’s able to master every style, from pop to blues to soul. Her music is poppy and poignant at the same time. This lady’s got a future.

No matter what mood you start in, The Reminder leaves you in a happy mood. There’s just no escaping the contagiousness of this album.

Well. Now that that's done I can get to work on the top singles of 2007 list. Yeah, I'm going there. Let's hope I get that out before 2008 is over.

I also have a bunch more posts planned on a wide variety of topics, so fear not...there will be content!

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

2008-01-20T02:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't forgotten about the top albums and singles list for 2007 I was planning on doing. Don't fear!

You'll see it up here soon...my life has just had other priorities recently. Most of them revolve around registering for grad school/taking a fake online Reverend exam.

From here on out, I will refer to my completely legit venture to grad school as my online Reverend school. Eventually I'll get my online Reverend degree.

Fun.

Also, my whole house has been hit by, what seems to my semi-trained eyes, to be the plague. I fear I will be joining their ranks soon, so that's been slowing me down as well.

Fun Fact: First Chris Sims of The-Isb got sick.
Then Dave Campbell of Dave's Long Box.
Then Scipio of the Absorbascon.
And now Taylor of T-Sides.

EVERY BLOGGER IS GETTING SICK!

Shit.

Anyway...I ordered the most recent Panda Bear album off of amazon, because apparently, I'm an idiot for not having it on my list...or listening to it at all, so I gotta give it a listen. The music lists will be up soon after that.

The Movies of 2007

2008-01-09T16:06:00.000-05:00

Well this has just been a shitty year for me and movie theater going.

I know, I said that last year too. Well, I still haven't improved upon the amount of movies I see when they come out.

Sadly, because of this, my top 5 movies of the year list is horribly inaccurate. Major movies, many of which I'm sure would have made my list, aren't going to. I need to see more movies in theaters.

Usually the months of January and February are filled with me Netflixing the movies I missed from the previous year...and so it might be smarter to do this list in say March instead of now...but I already made the graphic. So here, horribly incomplete, is:

The more I stare at that bad graphic, the more I don't regret doing it in Paint...at work...while constantly hiding it from my supervisor.

5)Futurama: The Movie: Bender's Big Score

This should show how bad a year it was for me...a movie that only came out on DVD is making my top 5.

Is it just like the original show? No. Is it perfect? Not at all. Was it incredibly enjoyable and did it make me laugh for more than half of it? Absolutely.

My main problem with the movie was that it seemed like they were trying to cram as many cameos as they could into the movie, rather than actually creating a working plot. I'm not saying that the plot wasn't good (they made a time travel movie work with no plot holes...that's gotta mean something), it's just that I don't think it was worth a movie...egh, whatever.

4)The Simpson's Movie

Two cartoons, yeah. This movie suffers from the same problem that Futurama does...too many cameos, not good enough plot. It was funny, I can't argue with that (it probably has something to do with all of the old writers, sans Conan O'brien, coming back to take up the writing chores), but, once again, it wasn't as good as it could have been. Albert Brooks was amazing in his role though. And let's not forget about Bart's skateboarding scene, possibly the best joke in the movie. Too bad last season sucked...again.

3)Juno

Another script with a problem. This time though, the problem wasn't plot, but rather pretentious dialogue. Every time Juno said something like "Honest to Blog" or I don't know, that dog diggity down shit, I cringed. Diablo Cody obviously has talent, and she can write, I'll give her that, but cut the pretentiousness, please.

2)Superbad

I saw this movie in a theater packed with junior high kids.

I still loved it.

1)Knocked Up

Apatow takes the top two. Not only is the movie hysterical, it also taught a valuable lesson about growing up. Apatow's movies at the end give feel good messages that make you get a certain feeling that most people only get from watching a Frank Capra film. Seth Rogan is the new Jimmy Stewart, and Judd Apatow is the new Capra. There, I've said it.

Just so you can see how bad a movie year it's been, I'm going to rate the rest of the movies I've seen in an EW format (just like I did last year).

300: It looked beautiful, no one can argue that. It was crap though. Enjoyable crap...but crap none the less. Just another piece of Frank Miller's later era "all style and no substance" writing.

And before anyone says something about it being a pro-war film, let me remind you...it's a tale being told by a general trying to rally his troops. It's full of exaggerations and propaganda because, come on, he's got to get them hyped up about something. Either way, it still isn't as good as every guido in America claimed it was. B-

The Darjeeling Limited: And now, the sad truth. I don't want to call the movie boring...but it was yawn inducing, and drawn out (shockingly for a 90 minute movie). Anderson can still direct; and all the performance were fine; but the movie lacked something. Maybe it was a script that didn't seem like it had gone through all the drafts it should have. Maybe it was Wes doing the same thing he always does with his movies. Maybe the criticism has finally gotten to me that he makes the same movie over again each time/ minorities exist purely as fetishes for white characters. I'm not sure. I will say this, the only character that was fully characterized was Adrien Brodys' and maybe Owen Wilsons' (and not even until the very end). Every other character had to make due with 'quirks' being characterization. And that hasn't worked since Tenenbaums. I'm really sad that I didn't like this movie more, but I guess it was time for me to end my film-crush on Wes Anderson's films. He can comeback, of course, but right now Noah Baumbach is running circles around him. B

Farce of the Penguins: Well, this was just intolerably horrible. EVERY JOKE SUCKED. It mad me want to hurt comedians I like, just because of their association with this movie. Word of advice to Lewis Black : If Bob Saget comes to you asking to do a movie he wrote...again...don't do it. Please. F

Grindhouse: First off, if you didn't see this in theaters, then there's no point to see it. It was meant as a theater experience, and it won't be the same on your HD TV, no matter how much money you put into the system. It's all about the atmosphere, and that includes people too...

Basically this movie was the "Snakes on a Plane" for this year, only for some reason there was this delusion that it was good. Tarintino and Rodriguez are both great directors, yes, but...this sucked. They set out to make a homage to bad films, and they made...a bad film...no, strike that...two bad films. Egh. B

Spider-man 3: These are my problems with Spider-man 3:
1)Raimi tried to cram too much into this movie. It came to the point where nothing got enough time.
2) I hate to say it, but Sandman was not needed in this movie. It would have worked perfectly with just Venom.
3)That's if Venom was even in it.
4)You had to be familiar with the comics to even understand the Venom story, because they explained nothing. If you don't know the comics, you won't know why the suit does what it does, or why there is a sort of dependency between the symbiote and the wearer.
5)The thing that pissed me off the most was Raimi's constant use of homages. Now I'm not against homages (especially in a Spider-man movie), but Raimi went too far. He was using the homages to convey the emotions and state of mind of the characters, but it would have been much better suited to come up with something original (or at least from the comics)the non-stop references to Saturday Night Fever, Working Girl, Tootsie, Cabaret, etc just took me out of the movie.
6)The movie falls apart in it's second half.
7)The scene where Venom and Sandman team up is horrible. It reminds me of Joel Schumacher's Batman movies.

Here would have been a better movie: The relationship between Peter and Mary Jane is paralleled by the relationship between Peter and the black symbiote/Eddie Brock and Venom. Include the Gwen Stacy and Harry Osbourne parts of course. Make Venom the only villain. If you really want Sandman then fight him in the beginning while Peter is in the black suit. That might be a waste of Sandman though, so maybe it could be a smaller character. That's just my take. B-

The TV Set: It had so much potential, but blew it all by not developing characters. B-

Wild Hogs: Yeah, you read that right...I saw Wild Hogs. Some of my friends have REALLY bad taste in movies. I didn't pay for it though, so whatever...it wasn't my money that went to this. To sum it up: Yes, it was that bad. F

So, I haven't seen There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men, Lars And The Real Girl, Michael Clayton, Sweeney Todd, etc. I might see There will be blood soon, cause my friends want to go, so maybe I'll have a new number one. Same with No Country. Sweeney Todd apparently puts manlihoods in jeopardy cause it's a musical, so I guess that's one for the rental queue. And so are the others. I'll see them all eventually.

UPDATED!!!!:

I forgot a movie, and saw another, so I'm adding them here at the end:

Shoot 'Em Up: Clive Owens kills people using carrots, knives, helicopter blades, needles, and other blunt objects, and then complains that guns kill too many people. D-

Smokin' Aces: An attempt to mimic Tarintino, but forgetting what makes Tarintino great. D-

Chris Sim's 30 Second Comic Book Recap Contest

2008-01-05T11:03:00.000-05:00

In conjunction with Chris Sim's Invincible Super-Blog's 30 Second Recap Contest ,

Here is a 30 second recap of Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale's "Batman: The Long Halloween"

With apologies to Sat Shenoy

...and yes it's suppose to look that way

The Revolution Still Has Not Been Televised

2007-12-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know I took forever in between posts...I'm already failing at the goals I set for this blog.

Egh, you'll get over it.

Anyway, I've been doing some top lists for 2007 and I figure now is the best time to debut some of them. (Mostly because I don't feel like writing that Hillary Clinton campaign ad article.) So, here is the first list:

Yeah, shitty graphic and all...the computer I'm doing this on isn't mine and doesn't have photoshop on it...fuck

anyway:

5) Flight of the Conchords (HBO)

The awkwardness of this show turned off a lot of people. To me though, that was what made it near perfect. There was no laugh track, there was no conventions, hell, most of the time there was no plot. It's the same kind of experimenting with the sitcom genre that HBO did last year with "Lucky Louie", except more accessible....and not as much full frontal male nudity. Also the music parodies were spot on:

4) The Sopranos (HBO)

Everyone was talking about that final episode. Yes there's a lot to talk about in it, but even without that abrupt cut to blackness (which had me cursing my cable company...I admit it) the rest of the season was brilliant. Everything from AJ's suicide attempt to Christopher's murder. I think I was more entertained by this season that I was for any previous.

3)Pushing Daisies (ABC)

No, this show wasn't without it's faults (when it leaves it's little make-believe world and strikes pop culture references that are more recent than the works of A.A. Milne I kind of shudder...the Vertigo reference was alright, but the Star Wars reference was a little out of place). They're still trying to figure out the shows voice. But look past that...it's as if Tim Burton created a TV Show. It's incredibly enjoyable and it can only get better.

2)Heroes (NBC)

Remember that the end of season one was in 2007 as well, and I don't think anyone would argue about the quality of that. Yes, Volume Two took off very slowly. Tim Kring apologized for that. Anyway, Volume 2 did get better, and I still looked forward to it every week.

1)South Park (Comedy Central)

Wow, what a season. Think back to earlier this year with that infamous episode where Randy Marsh made it to the final round of Wheel of Fortune. That my friends was gold. What else happened this year...Randy Marsh played World of Warcraft, Randy Marsh took a huge shit...hey, I guess this has been Randy Marsh's year. Also 9/11 conspiracy theories, Lice in a Michael Bay movie, a bomb up Hillary Clinton's snatch, and the awesome Imagination Land Trilogy. South Park strikes gold again.

Also notable this year: The first 6 episodes of the Sarah Silverman Show (the second group of episodes, outside of the blackface one, were really weak), Colbert Report and Daily Show, Weeds, Mythbusters, Frisky Dingo and Robot Chicken. And before people tell me other wise, I work during 30 Rock and The Office so I never get to see it. I need a Tivo.

Next I'll either post the top movies of music, I'm not sure...and hopefully it won't be 3 weeks later.

25 years of parents begging kids to play outside for a little while

2007-12-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

The Commodore 64 turns 25 this week. By todays standards this computer--oh let's just say it and not beat around the bush--to anyone who didn't live through the progression of computers themselves; the fact that this computer exists, let alone that people are celebrating it would seem insane.

We've progressed a great bit in computers since the days of the Apple Lisa and "IBM Clones"...and that's a good thing. Still there's something...intriguing about this piece of outdated technology, and that's probably the reason we haven't forgotten about it, and fan sites for it flourish on the internet. For many people the C64 was their first personal computer, their first game system, and their first step towards the society we're living in today (not to mention the first step to the cyber-obsessed 80s.)

Sadly, many people my own age haven't even used a C64 before...we might be celebrating 25 years of the machine, but most didn't last more than ten years...unless of course you used the computer labs in my old high school. Honestly, up until I was in 9th grade (1998/1999) I had to use machines like the C64, the Apple 11e, and the Apple GS. The newest machine they had was the early 90s update of the Mac. Finally around 2000 (probably due to the Y2k scare) they updated all their machines...to first generation iMacs...I was happier with the retro-comps...

Man did I hate the first generation iMacs...

Anyway, happy birthday Commodore 64!

Bringing a gun to a music fight

2007-11-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

In honor of Thanksgiving last week I wanted to do a post on the biggest turkey of all, Hillary Clinton, and analysis some of her campaign videos. But alas, my speakers were a little messed up (they're feeling much better now) and the post had to wait. I'll probably do it tomorrow or later today if I have time.

Instead, look at this:

Spinner has made a list of the top 20 songs about killing. Hey, pretty cool idea, sounds a little familiar though...hey, what the-- oh right, I did it already.

Ok, I'm being a little egotistical. I highly highly doubt Spinner looked at my list from a college newspaper 3 years ago. And I highly doubt I'm the first person to think of doing it (though I will say I had more balls than them because mine came out right around the anniversary of Columbine!). But just for shits and giggles, let's compare the lists.

Well, Spinner did 20 and I did 10. I had a hard time coming up with 10 songs that could fit the bill, so for 20...wow! And to boot, we only have 4 songs in common. (Stagger Lee, I Shot the Sheriff, Folsom Prison Blues, and Janie's Got a Gun). Spinner left some important ones off (see my list) and added a few that I either left off intentionally, (Stan, Maxwell's Silver Hammer) or completely forgot about and am hitting myself because of (Used to Love her, Nebraska)

And for God's sake why didn't I think of "Killing An Arab!" That song would have been perfect for my list...at the very least it would have been a better entry than "Janie's Got a Gun."

Well, no use crying about it now...at least I didn't forget the Boomtown Rats.

I still have bigger balls than them though

Pop Culture Approves this Message

2007-11-21T18:48:00.000-05:00

Mike Huckabee has been a Blackhorse candidate in the Republican presidential race, but I think he’s finally latched onto something that can propel him to the top of the litter.

Take a look at his new campaign ad:

I’ll give you a minute to realize the awesomeness of that ad.

…

Now, Mr. Huckabee has been no stranger to comedy in the past; once telling a whole crowd in Iowa that he doesn’t have enough money to buy them; and I myself have even discussed a few comments that the former Arkansas Governor made about stand up comedy and politics, but this…this is…wow. That’s Chuck Norris man!

The sad thing is, now the Chuck Norris joke generator is not funny anymore, because as Rob Haber has said “He’s become too self-aware of the joke.” The old rule of topical humor goes that if the subject has become a joke on Leno, Letterman, Conan and SNL already, it’s not funny anymore. Chuck Norris cracking jokes about how he has a fist under his beard is the equivalent to that. (Especially with the Writers Strike going on right now we have no other place to see topical humor. Just thinking about that is weird…on TV, it’s currently campaign ads that are the top medium for political jokes. Kinda reminds of during the 19^th century when people went and watched a battle just for entertainment)

Anyway, the question is will Chuck Norris’ endorsement help Huckabee’s campaign. My answer: yes, as long as enough people see this ad. I guess it’s the frat boy demographic that really latched onto the Chuck Norris jokes. Yes, Hipsters did as well, but that was more in an ironic sense than an actual respect for Chuck Norris sense. If these ads are shown to the college crowd and the 17 through 35 demographic, then that’s it. It may not be as funny as say if one of Conan’s writers wrote the ad, but it does show that Huckabee has a sense of humor and at least some idea of what the current pop culture fixations are (even though the Chuck Norris gag is about 3 years old by now). Hillary Clinton is doing a similar thing in her campaign ads using the Sopranos and her husband, cultural icon Bill Clinton to attract votes (that’s for another post though.)

When a politician uses Pop Culture correctly it’s a surefire way for people to take notice and consider voting for them. Look at politicians in the past: Jimmie Davis used “You are my Sunshine” as his campaign song (even going so far as to buy the rights to the song so that he could claim he wrote it) in the 40s, from Kennedy on politicians cozy-ed up to pop culture icons to try and look hip (great examples include Nixon with The Carpenters and Elvis Presley), and Ronald Reagan, the former actor, used to include lines of dialogue from movies into speeches he made. On any given day Reagan could be given a speech as Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford or the Backman-Turner Overdrive.

The use of pop culture which stalls a politician’s campaign is usually if they try to create culture rather than just show they understand it. Usually this downfall occurs by participating in skits on Saturday Night Live. Every politician who has hosted SNL has lost the presidential election. George McGovern, Jesse Jackson, John McCain, Al Gore…and didn’t Barack Obama just appear? Uh oh. George H.W. Bush appeared on SNL back in 1992. I forget if it was right before or right after he had already lost his re-election bid. Either way, the winner doesn’t ever appear. The reason for this is not exactly clear, but it seems to be the same reason enough people didn’t watch “Arrested Development.” The American Public didn’t want their leaders to be creators, they wanted them to tread in the same old ideas that everyone before them treaded in. They want them to be safe. They want them to be predictable, they want them to be a line up of “Yes Dear”, “The King of Queens” and “Two and Half Men”. Originality is frowned upon, individuality is a big no-no. The monikers of Republican and Democrat are enough of a separation to the voters…any more individuality and they’ll need to start paying attention to other details…like the issues.

Now once again, I can think of exceptions…Nixon was on Laugh In before he was president and it helped him a great deal in the upcoming election (people said “He gets our culture!” all because he agreed to say “Sock it to me”), and of course Reagan added a great deal to our culture when he was a movie star, though none of it really has much value outside of “Win one for the Gipper”. Clinton did appear on Arsenio Hall, but there’s a big difference there…all candidates appeared on the late night shows, but not all candidates made late night appearances that were more than campaign stops. Clinton has turned into a culture icon since he was president, as did JFK after death, and even Nixon in some way. Mainly though all this happened after they were no longer president.

Pop culture acceptance is like walking a fine line. This ad could shot Huckabee in the foot, but I don’t think it will. People will look at the ad and probably think Chuck Norris is running as his vice-president, which even I have to admit would be awesome. Anyway, he’s not a bad candidate. I’d probably vote for him over Giuliani or McCain or Hillary or even Obama, so I wish him luck. Here’s hoping when the writers strike is over he doesn’t go on Saturday Night Live.

Bring it on home

2007-11-19T19:13:00.000-05:00

Just like the Fat Boys, I’m back.

That’s right, my self imposed hiatus is over, and Dante’s Infernal Racket has returned. And with a new website too!

As you can tell I’ve reposted many of my Myspace blog posts here, though somewhat arbitrarily. I tried to only take my best work from the old blog, and only the stuff that I believe people have an interest in (that’s why I’ve reprinted none of my irrelevant comic book reviews). Sadly, I was not able to transfer over the comments on my blog posts as well, so if anyone would like please go backwards and comment on my old posts. It would be most appreciated.

Anyway, one of the reasons for my hiatus from blogging back in June was I could not commit to doing a new blog post every few days. Now, while I still don’t believe I can be consistent with the output, I’m going to try my best. Here’s goals I’m setting for myself that I hope I can stand by:

I don’t promise to have a new blog post every day, but I do promise that whenever I can (which will at the very least be a new post every week, possibly more) I will post something.

I promise that I’m done trying to emulate other blogs. For short spans on the old Myspace blog I wasn’t sure where I wanted to take it. I tried to be Pop Candy, I tried to be The-isb, and I tried to be T-Sides. That’s in the past. Dante’s Infernal Racket is not about putting forth links to cool sites, and it’s not about only telling you what music you should look into or what comics came out this week. DIR will be a mixture of Pop Culture, Politics and Humor, mostly with analysis and in-depth critiquing. My opinion will be all over this blog, but I hope to both entertain and educate at the same time.

I promise this will not be a personal emo blog. While I have done my fair share of bragging and complaining before on my blog, I won’t post it here. I’ll probably leave it on the Myspace page.

When I can, I will link to it. I know in the earlier posts I hardly link. And even in the more recent ones some links are dead. I’ll try to remedy that.

I’ll try to keep it short (too late).

Alright, I’ll stop this post now. I hope I can achieve everything I just set forth, and I hope everyone will enjoy it. And leave comments! Please.

-Billy

On the road with Hillary Clinton

2007-06-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

Yahoo News has an article on a speech Hillary Clinton gave to her supporters earlier today:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070630/ap_on_el_pr/democrats_hispanics

Within this speech, Clinton proclaims that the White House needs a 'clean sweep' in '08. "[The] culture of cronyism, corruption and incompetence" of the Bush administration needs to be cleaned out, and Clinton feels she's the one right to do the job. A few excerpts:

"Somebody said to me the other day if there was ever a time for a woman president it's now because we're going to have to do a lot of cleaning."

"Grab your buckets, grab your brooms," Clinton said. "We're going to have to do a clean sweep"

The article offers no reactions from the 1,000 women of the 'Women for Hillary' organization that filled this fundraiser.

Later today Clinton will be taking part in a forum sponsored by the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials. She plans on giving the same speech.

Free Comic Book Day Reviews

2007-05-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

Free Comic Book Day (or FCBD) is normally considered the most important day to comic shops and comic book fans across the country. The point of the day is to try and attract new readers into comic shops with special books that the publishers release specifically for FCBD that are given out for free. The theory goes, that hopefully the new fans will pick up the free books, get interested in them, and come back for more. It's the same way crack dealers operate.

The other purpose of FCBD is for the already embedded fan of comics (i.e. myself) to possibly try out a few books that normally I wouldn't spend a cent on. The goal here is to empty my wallet even more.

Anyway, I know that the day isn't the most successful it could be. Many times people just come in for the free books and don't return for another year. But I'd argue that the day is still a success. Greg Hatcher over at Comic Book Resources 'Comics Should Be Good' blog disagrees. He's got a point, I'll give him that, but I think that most of his trouble lies in the shop rather than the objective of the event. Maybe it's cliché, but comic shops aren't exactly the most welcoming place to a newbie. And unless you're prepared to argue why Sue Richards having a miscarriage was perfectly fine, but Sue Dibney getting raped went too far, then I suggest that you don't open your mouth at all the first time you enter a shop.

Need a better example? Think the Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons. He sums up comic book shop attitudes perfectly. This is who Greg Hatcher met at this local Seattle comic book shop, he met an unnamed generic slob who gets annoyed that these people giving him money are interrupting his 'Aquaman supporting cast vs. Keith Giffen creations' heroclix game. Of course that's going to turn people off from the shop, and probably comics in general. And it's a damn shame.

What Greg has to do is find a shop where the guys running it are not like that. They do exist, believe me. My local shop, Time Warp, is amazing. It's a very welcoming place, and the guys that work there are very helpful and knowledgeable. For them, FCBD should be a success. I remember when I entered the shop last Saturday there were more kids in there than I ever saw visiting his shop before. And since Time Warp offers a nice selection of kids books, I'd hope that these kids will be back.

Anyway, I picked up 5 books on FCBD, most of which were stuff that I was sampling for the first time. Were they successful in getting me hooked? Let's see:

Bongo Sampler 2007—Bongo Comics—by Evan Dorkin, Eric Rogers, et al.

Bongo is the publisher that puts out the Simpsons and Futurama comics, and so this is a mix-match sampler of those two titles. Prior to this I had never read a Simpsons or Futurama comic, but I considered the Simpsons' first 11 seasons to be one of the best runs on television, and Futurama to be it's (albeit short-lived) successor. I figured maybe their comic still lives up to what the show used to be (and the fact that Evan Dorkin was writing some stories in it was definitely a push in the right direction).

Well, I'm sorry to say that I was very disappointed with this book. Not only was it not funny, but also at times it seemed like the writers didn't even have a good grasp on the characters that everyone should know by heart. Ok, maybe I've been watching too much of my Simpsons Season 5 DVDs and I'm demanding something that can't exist in that form anymore, but if I were trying to get into either Simpsons/Futurama comics, or their TV equivalents, this certainly wouldn't do it. Not recommended.

The Amazing Spider-Man—Marvel Comics—by Dan Slott and Phil Jimenez

Here is a book that I was very worried about. Over the last few years Spider-Man has become a perversion of the character we all used to love. Writers don't understand him, and try to make him darker than Daredevil. None of this ever works. I had heard that this was going to be an in continuity story where Mary Jane joins with the Initiative (don't ask) and becomes a superhero known as Jackpot. Thankfully most of that was very wrong. The story isn't in continuity, has no mention of Civil War or the Initiative, or even past continuity. A new villain is made for the main plot of the book (with a few old ones popping up in The Bar With No Name), and we are introduced to old characters as if a new reader could instantly understand their characterization. If I have never read a Spider-Man story before, after reading this I would know perfectly well who J. Jonah Jameson is, Aunt May, Spider-Man, Robbie Robertson, and even the New York City police. The only character who may not be explained fully well for newbies is Mary Jane Watson, who yes, is the "new superhero" Jackpot (at least we think). And as ridiculous that is, it works in the story.

This book is the perfect story to get people interested in Spider-Man. I feel bad for anyone who now goes to pick up the next issue of ASM though…it isn't anything like this. This is how a good Spidey story is suppose to be, the preview in the back for "One More Day" is exactly how it isn't. Recommended.

Gumby—Wildcard Inc—by Shannon Wheller, Rick Geary, Bob Burden, Mark Bode, Steve Oliff, and Mike Hersh.

I know you're all possibly calling me insane right now, but hear me out. This book was awesome.

For those that don't know, there has been a revival of the Gumby book going on recently written by Bob Burden and Rick Geary. Burden as you know (or should) was the guy who created The Flaming Carrot and the Mystery Men (yes, the guys in that Ben Stiller movie). And if you've ever read Flaming Carrot, you'll know that Burden is one sick motherfucker.

He takes his wacky vision to Gumby, and with it has created one of the most surrealistic mind trips I've read since Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol. In this story Gumby and Pokey visit an art museum. There, they witness the Blockheads trying to steal the Mona Lisa, so to thwart them, Gumby jumps into a bunch of paintings, and interacts with the works of Rembrandt, Munch, Van Goeh, R. Crumb and etc etc etc. It's fucking brilliant.

I haven't given this Gumby book the time of day prior to reading this, despite everyone telling me how good it is. Now, I must say, I'm hooked. I'll be picking up the next trade. Insanely recommended.

Nexus—Rude Dude Productions—by Mike Baron and Steve Rude.

Prior to reading this I had already preordered the new Nexus mini-series out of previews. I really didn't know that much about Baron and Rude's creation, but I figured I'd give it a try do to everyone's suggestions. This issue is basically a recap of Nexus' long publishing history. It's kind of useless though. Yes, it is full of nice artwork, and good writing, but I didn't get a feel for the character at all. He kills mass murders…ok, I already knew that. That seems to be the only information that this brief history gives. It was more along the lines of 'what are Mike Baron's favorite pieces of writing' rather than what do readers need to know about Nexus. I'm sure Nexus is a great series, but this book wouldn't make anyone interested in it. Not Recommended.

Unseen Peanuts—Fantagraphics Books –by Charles Schulz.

This is a collection of all the Peanuts strips that never made it into collections prior to the recent "Complete Peanuts" books. For most of these, there is a reason for it. Some are just plainly unfunny; others completely work counter to the characters, and yet others just don't make sense. Somehow though this is all a benefit for the book. Looking at the strips that Schulz pretended never existed is a fascinating study into his mind. Not everything I've ever read from Peanuts has been hysterical, but it really shows what type of man Schulz was that he'd print a strip with a bad pun as it's joke, but not a fairly clever strip making a dark joke about war. It's interesting. Recommended.

Ten Songs Fuse Thinks You Should Know

2007-03-26T23:21:00.000-04:00

When you're sick, you do weird things. When it's your fifth day being sick, and no sign of any of the conditions letting up, you do even weirder things. Today, I spent Monday morning watching Fuse. For all those that don't know, Fuse is the music channel that used to be called MuchMusic, but was taken over by some other Canadian music like network and turned into Fuse. They pride themselves on being a different music channel than the likes of MTV or VH1, and claim that they actually show good music videos. I guess they mean in between reruns of "Pants-Off Dance-Off." Anyway, since graduating and leaving the Chronicle, I've kind of lost track of a lot of the new music scene, so I figured I'd tune in a see what the mainstream is ingesting these days. Here are my findings, ten songs Fuse thinks you should know:

Avril Lavigne- "Girlfriend":

Well, her lyrics haven't gotten any better since the last time I actually bothered to listen to them. She's still doing easy rhymes that remind me of a pre-school sing-a-long, or even worse like "Life's Been Good."

Anyway, I can't deny that this song is full of energy. Since she's finally embraced her bubblegum pop status, instead of the "Punk Rocker" image that she was given initially by her record label, she seems to be having a lot more fun doing the music. In the video, she's jumping around, strutting about, and basically, acting like a teenage girl going wild. And even though I'm pretty sure she's 22 and not a teenager anymore, that teenage girl energy is exactly what her music needed. It helps this song greatly.

And I might regret saying this, but the song's hook of "Hey (hey) You (you) I don't like your girlfriend" is decently catchy. I can't honestly recommend the song for people who want good pop music, but if she keeps this energy up, maybe in the future Avril will doing something that I won't be able to find fault in.

Mims- "This Is Why I'm Hot":

Now this is just complete trash. It's every rap cliché from the 90s thrown into one song, and it sounds like what happens when Pharrell falls asleep on his synthesizer. The pointless sample of "Jesus Walks" just made me hate this song even more, because how I interpret it, it implies that he's calling himself the savior of New York hip-hop. Either that, or he's trying to ride Kanye's coat tails. That's all this song does really: ride every past New York rapper's coat tails. ( I know Kanye's from Georgia). This song is what happens when someone thinks they understand a genre, and tries to imitate it by just grabbing the surface images, and forgets what was truly behind them.

Christina Aguilera- "Candyman":

Maybe I held her to too high a standard after the aural pleasure of "Ain't No Other Man", cause as much as I wanna like "Candyman", I just don't think it's that great. Yes, she does the Andrews Sisters vocal jazz style perfectly, but when I hear it, I can't help but think it's just filler. I mean, it's not bad, not by any means, and her "Back To Basics" albums (at least what I've heard from it) I've enjoyed more than I can say I've ever enjoyed anything she's done previously. I don't know, maybe I'm just being too hard on her. I should be giving her credit for holding out that note at the end of the song and NOT bouncing it annoyingly like she always does. I should also give her credit for the video. It's just a perfect counterpiece to the song, style, imagery and everything. I think she may have her eras mixed up though…that scene where she's in that pink dress dancing the jitterbug with those G.I.s and looking the happiest she is in the whole video? That's more fifties than forties, but minor error.

Diddy featuring Keyshia Cole- "Last Night":

No real surprise here. Nothing that amazing by any means…in all honesty, it was just a boring piece of music. Diddy's vocals in the chorus are kinda interesting, but past that, the song lags for too long just reiterating the same boring structure. It's like he dragged the length of the song out just so he could finish the plot in the video. Not recommended.

Pink- "U + UR Hand":

I've never liked Pink, but I've been waiting for her to make a musical resurgence, open to see if her songs have gone up in quality. Unfortunately, this is exactly the same Pink of old, and just like exactly the same Pink of old, the song is completely harmless, but also completely forgettable. There's nothing memorable about anything in this song at all. It's Pink by-the-numbers. Even right after the song ended, I had already forgotten how the melody went or what the song was even about. Not recommended.

Gym Class Heroes- "Cupid's Chokehold":

The use of Supertramp's "Breakfast In America" gave me the impression that I wasn't going to like the song initially. Thankfully, I was wrong there. The sample is used well, the tune (a variation of "Breakfast") is also done well. Add to that some pretty good lyrics, and a really funny video. My favorite lyric here: "If I had to choose between her or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son-of-a-gun." The a capella stuck in the middle of the song for about three seconds (I don't mean the free style), was a nice little addition that pushed this song onto my favorite songs of the year so far list. Definitely recommended.

Beyonce- "Irreplaceable":

This is a case where the video adds another layer to the song. No, not in plot, the lyrics match up with the plot of the video quite fine, it's more like the meaning. In the first half of the video, Beyonce acts all smug, and holier-than-thou, kicking her boyfriend out of the house, straddling the car she just told him was hers and evilly seducing him again, all just to get the shirt off his back. If you just watch the first half of the video, you can't help but think "Beyonce is a huge bitch!" The diva dress-up scenes that follow it immediately don't help that image, as they just complete the theory that her old boyfriend is probably better off without having to deal with someone that diabolical. He's gone for 10 minutes and already she's getting all pretty for his replacement. Now this is all fine and good, it's a simple "you did something wrong, I'm kicking you out, you're not irreplaceable" meaning…but then Beyonce takes it a step in a different direction.

The second half of the video forms around what might at first seem like a big lesbian jam, but turns into instead a powerful statement about feminism. Beyonce is seen smiling, bouncing around, dancing and of course singing with her all female back-up band. The diva dress-up we just saw wasn't to go meet another guy, it was to look good for her all-girls jam session. In other words, women don't need guys to be happy, all they need is a bunch of other women playing instruments.

Of course the final scene in the video, which shows Beyonce opening her door to a new man, negates all this but I guess it can't all be perfect. Highly recommended.

Akon- "Don't Matter":

This is a nice smooth reggae song, that, yes maybe a little indebted to the past maste—hey! Wait a minute! That verse…I've heard that melody before. It sounds so familiar….Oh My God, it's R. Kelly! It's "Ignition (Remix)." Instead of the "nobody wanna see us together/nobody thought we'd last forever" at the 1:13 mark sing "It's the remix to Ignition/Hot and Fresh Out the Kitchen…" It's the same song!

Well, that took me out of the song, but I guess I can look past it. What made me enjoy the song though was the complete breakdown into the driving drumbeat around 3:12 and the instrumentation that followed it. I'll recommend the song, but beware of it's sampling.

Justin Timberlake- "What Goes Around…Comes Around":

Very nice song. Not the best Justin Timberlake's ever done, but a nice song still. The video is epic, at 9 minutes in length it tells a story of love, and deceit and jealously and insanity. Plus, Scarlett Johansson gives a much better performance here than she did in "The Island".

Daughtry- "It's Not Over":

I had heard this song before, and I thought it was Nickelback. The fact that it sounds this bad and isn't Nickelback, but instead one of their neo-grunge copycat cohorts makes it even worse. We didn't need another radio-rock Xeroxed band again, and we especially didn't need another "Psuedo-Political/Social Commentary" video where there's a happy ending amidst all the problems, showing that through the bad times the good always pulls through. This is why I hate watching channels like this.

Alright, so I guess that was a mixed group. True, a bunch of these songs I had heard previous to this (I have the Beyonce and Timberlake songs on my itunes), but watching the video with them gives in a completely difference feel. Maybe I'll do this again soon. It feels good to analyze music again. Hope you enjoyed this.

It's ok. He's not dead. You can go back to hating him.

2007-03-20T09:33:00.000-04:00

Something very strange happened last week. Stand-up comedian Sinbad was reported dead. Here is the article via imdb. Read it. It's only like 30 words.

According to the article, some mystery editor over at wikipedia wrote on Sinbad's entry that the comedian had a heart attack last Saturday. Then suddenly, "hundreds" of people contacted Sinbad to make sure that he wasn't dead.

Did I read this right? This all started from a wikipedia entry? This means that on this particular Saturday at least one hundred people were viewing Sinbad's wikipedia page...somehow I don't believe that.

You know what I think? That mystery editor wasn't a mystery editor at all, but rather was the man in question himself. Yeah, I bet Sinbad edited his own page. Why? Well, what better way to get back in the media? I'd believe that more than people were reading about the influence of "Jingle All The Way".

Maybe Sinbad had recently caught a late night showing of "Pauly Shore Is Dead."

The Media and Captain America

2007-03-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

I just typed a whole long blog post only to lose it. I'm kinda pissed right now, so it might come out in this article that I now need to retype.

Anyway, if you haven’t heard already (and that means that you have been shunning every major news outlet) Captain America #25 came out today, and Cap is dead. He was shot by a sniper. Woopie.

Now, I'm not pissed that Marvel killed off one of my favorite characters, no...I'm sure that Ed Brubaker (the current writer of Cap) will be able to make good stories surrounding this and make the title work just as well as he had in the past. (Brubaker is one of the best comic book writers out there today, so I don’t have any doubts).

No, what I'm pissed at is the media reaction to Cap's death. The CBS News at Noon put my contempt best when they introduced the article: "First it was Superman, and now, Captain America is dead."

Yes, Superman...who died in the early 90s, and then came back less than a half a year later...I guess the media hasn't learned anything since those days...back then the New York Times was embarrassed when they placed this comic book event on their front page with the headline: "Superman Dead!". I quote DC Comics own Bob Rozakis on his reaction to seeing the Times: "I was looking at it thinking: Are they serious? Do they think this is real? Do they think we'd really permanently kill off our best selling character for good?" And sure enough, as was always the plan, Superman was back only a few issues later. I guess he wasn't quite dead yet.

No comic company would kill off their most popular characters (and even when they had the very misguided sense to even try this, it usually backfired with fans reacting in ways no one ever thought possible, i.e. The Spiderman Clone Saga). And yes, I know DC has killed off characters and replaced them many times before, but there is a major difference between killing permanently an icon like Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman, and making Rene Montoya the new Question. (and yes, I know that DC has successfully killed off and replaced popular characters such as Green Lantern, The Flash and Green Arrow, but there were different circumstances in place there: Barry's book was already cancelled, They always planned on bringing Hal back, and Ollie cheated on Black Canary, so no one cared). Captain America isn't a B-lister along the lines of Green Arrow, no...he's one of Marvels signature characters. Along with Spiderman and the Hulk, he is their icon. There's no way he's dead. And the media should know that by now.

If the past jumping to conclusions with Superman wasn't good enough, here are some other reasons why thinking Cap is forever dead might not be a smart move:

Firstly, Marvel is making a movie of Captain America probably next year. Now, it would be completely ignorant of Marvel to have a movie about a character that no longer exists. When some new fan goes to see the movie and says "hey, that was great, I wonder what the comic book is like" and goes to the store only to find out that Steve Rogers isn't Captain America anymore, do you think he will be happy? Do you think he would buy that comic? No. Never. Whenever a movie comes out for a character, the comic always returns to the status quo! They always have the iconic portrait of the character in the book when getting new fans is possible. Hell, they even brought back an ongoing Ghost Rider book with Johnny Blaze in the drivers seat just in time for the new movie...and Ghost Rider hasn't been popular (or able to sustain an ongoing book) since the 90s comic boom.

Here's another reason: Cap's book is still an ongoing. The book isn't over, Brubaker is still writing it, so, it's likely that he isn't dead. Now, I know this isn't as good a point as it could be...Green Arrow's book continued after Ollie died in issue 100...they just made his son the new Green Arrow (it would take quite a few years, and Kevin Smith with a good story, for Ollie to return from the dead), but more than likely, when an ongoing title goes on, the character is probably still around in some capacity...especially in Cap's case when they haven’t named any successors yet.

But lets go back to what exactly they said on the News At Noon. Just when you thought they couldn’t get any stupider, the anchors had to converse with one another: "Is there any word yet on why they did this?" "No, no one is saying any reasons why yet..." WHAT? Is the noon edition of the news too early to do any research? Ask anyone with even any fading knowledge of comic books today and they can tell you he died because of Marvel's "Universe Changing Event" Civil War. I mean, c’mon, even DC people know that one...but wait, it get's worse:

"No, No one is saying any reasons why yet. The creator of Captain America is 93, I guess he just got tired with the character."...{silence after I heard that...} A simple internet search brings me to Captain America's wikipedia page, in which I am able to tell you that Captain America was created in 1941 by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby. Kirby died almost fifteen years ago, and Simon hasn't been in the comic business since the 70s. Reading a little further down on the page, one could figure out that the current writer of the book is one Ed Brubaker, and clicking on his link, one could read that he is very active in comics today, and no where near 93 (the 93 year old is Joe Simon). In fact, the information of the current writer can even be found on the cover of the comic in question...clearly, the names Joe Simon or Jack Kirby do not appear there (they might appear on the mast head inside the book with the words "Captain America created by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby", I will give them that). Anyway, this information is readily available, and for that blatant showing of a lack of reporting skills to go on air...honestly what the hell? Did they think they didn’t need to fact check because it was a comic book story? Is that why they made it a top story? They should take a look at Jonathan Hickman's book for Image, "The Nightly News" . That might scare them enough to do a report on it.

To CBS' credit, they did seem to get most of their facts straight for their five o'clock edition...even calling Marvel editors Tom Brevhort and Joe Quesada out on doing this just for the money. At least there's still some integrity in reporting. (and if anyone saw the CBS five o'clock news article, I did find it hysterical that reporter Pablo Guzman was dressed as incognito as he could in trench coat and fedora as he stood outside of Midtown Comics).

Anyway, I avoided talking about the ending to Marvel's Civil War because I didn't want to alienate the few readers I have of this blog (hey Steph and Carsi! lol), but since this is about my contempt for the news media, I figure I'll let it slide right now.

I was one of the few that actually thought the ending to Civil War was appropriate, and was not a cop out by Marvel. Yes, it was anti-climatic, and yes, in my opinion, the bad guys won, and yes, it certainly puts a twist on everything, but as Joss Whedon put it, it's basically the way it has to end. Cap's team had no real strategy other than round up all the cool heroes and fight all the heroes I don’t give a damn about. Which, yes, is pretty cool as it is, but it's not a plan. Now, I'm not defending the whole series of Civil War. I think there was more to be desired through much of the series. The fact that they didn’t have a clear plan is one of the biggest errors in the whole thing. Also the fact that no one questions how Mar-Vell is still alive, or why the prisoners in the negative zone were never taken out of their costumes.

But now I have another problem. If they were going to kill Cap as a result of Civil War, why wait till two weeks after the Civil War to do it. Wouldn't it have been a lot easier for him to die during the event, rather than in a book that maybe not everyone who read Civil War might buy? Maybe I answered my own question earlier when I said that he might be back...I think the fact that it's happening in Cap's own book is a clear sign that this isn't a death as much as a way to go underground.

I haven’t read the book yet (I wait for the trades when it comes to Captain America), but did they officially pronounce him dead? Were the people who did that official doctors? Could there be more than meets the eye here? This could be his way to get him to the underground, and away from the media spotlight, having everyone think he's dead. I guess we'll see in upcoming issues.

Originally I guessed that Cap, since he was arrested, might become the new leader of The Thunderbolts. That would have made for an interesting issue. But alas, I guess not. Another idea I had was that the government might do what they did so long ago and get another person to be Captain America while the Steve Rogers version works the underground with the New Avengers. Or at the very least, get USAgent (who supported the registration) to be the government's Cap again. It makes sense. The other obvious choices were the Winter Soldier (formerly Bucky) or The Punisher. Bucky is probably the most obvious choice since the next issue seems to focus on him, and Brubaker kind of brought him back from the dead, so he's sort of responsible for him. Punisher might be because he was the one who picked up Cap's mask at the end of Civil War. Actually, having both of them be rival Captain America's would be pretty damn cool.

Ok, I'm done ranting about this. Cap seems dead now, but I bet he isn't. No one ever stays dead in comics. Get back to your life.

My Road To NY Comic Con 2007

2007-02-26T04:18:00.000-05:00

Note, this should have gone up Saturday, but I was really tired after I came home, so it goes up now.

After waiting 3 months and regretting not going last year for even longer, today, Saturday the 24th, I finally made the trip to the New York Comic Con. Comic Con, while primarily a comic book convention, is a huge pop culture festival, with representatives from movies, TV, comics, video games, anime, manga, and more present. As far as I know this is one of the most important festivals in the field, only paling in comparison to the huge annual San Diego gathering (which I have yet to go to…maybe one day…). Anyway, here's a recap of my day:

The festival started at 10 AM today, with people being checked in as early as 9AM. Of course this means I rolled out of bed at 8:30, expecting to beat the early rising crowd (those fools). I unfortunately was going alone, because Pete DiSilvio made up some excuse about being broke…you know Pete, Oliver Queen was broke too, and did he give up? No, he dated Black Canary.

Anyway, I still had hope that at the festival I would run into one of the many Nonsensers that were also going, and hopefully I wouldn't be alone the whole time.

So, I arrive at the Javitz Center around 11:00, with the perfect amount of time to make the DC panel at noon…at least I thought. To my horror the line to get in was spanning a five-block radius from the building. Perfect. "Don't worry, it's moving fast" the security personal said. Meanwhile an hour later, I'm still on the line. Well, forget about that Noon panel…I guess I'll read what happened in it at Newsarama. If it weren't for the on-going witty comments coming from the couple behind me about the monstrous line, I don't think I would have kept my sanity. Thank you mystery couple, you made me laugh numerous times, even though you don't know me, and you probably thought my odd laughter was creepy, and an obvious sign that I was ease dropping on you. Sorry.

So, finally I get into the building a little after 12. I'm not sure what the line was for exactly, since they didn't scan my ticket or anything, the security guard barely looked at it and sent me along. I hope the line out of the building isn't that long as well…

At first entrance onto the main floor, I'm completely overwhelmed by…everything. All around me are booths full of people who probably could tell me incredibly obscure facts about forgotten comics like the exact issue number that Beefeater first appeared in Giffen's JLE (it's #20, contrary to what is written on wikipedia. I have the damn issue). Not to mention the crowd. If there were at least 500 people on that line waiting, there was at least quadruple that inside the place. I felt like I was sleepwalking while shifting through the aisles and past the clusters of people with witty T-shirts. I pass at least 3 Stormtroopers and two Supergirls, one of which had no business being dressed up like Supergirl. Lines formed out of nowhere for artist and writer signings. I've never seen people rush to a line so quickly just to spend 2 minutes telling one man how much you loved their work and for them to hand you back your comic now officially unreadable because of a bunch of illegible big marker letters written across the front of it. I made my way to the back of the floor, staring at all the booths in front of me with disbelief. The number of independent retailers selling comics from "The Golden Age" or shitty copies of bootlegged videos astounded me. One seller had a bootleg DVD set of "Heroes" labeled "The Compete First Season." "But the first season isn't even over yet…" "Well, it's every episode up until the last one, and it's $60. I can bring it down to 50, but that's it." I could also watch all the episodes free online.

I started counting the number of girls I saw dressed like Harley Quinn. There had to be at least 7, including one girl who didn't look any older than 7. Harley was probably the second most popular costume there, only trumped by the aforementioned Supergirls. Wow were there a lot of Supergirls. If the past serves any purpose, it's that I've learned that there are a good number of girls who don't like comic books, and think conventions like this are only for geeky nerds, but honestly, at one point, I'm almost positive there were more girls than guys in the building. And I mean gorgeous girls…any stereotypes people had about girls that like comics could have been broken by just stepping foot in the place. Wow.

WARNING, Rant starting: Now, I'm not even counting the girls that were working booths, many of whom were clad in absolutely nothing. I'd never thought I'd say this, but that actually offended me…me! I mean, these girls are obviously trying to appeal to a stereotypical portrayal of the male comic book nerd, you know, the porn addict who melts at the sight of a pretty girl talking to him…and well, I thought it was a little wrong. The fact that some of these girls were walking around handing out fliers trying to convince people to buy stuff from their booth while only wearing what looked like body paint really pissed me off. I couldn't believe it. I mean, there was a Playboy playmate there at the convention signing autographs or something, and she was dressed quite well…much better than these girls. You know, I'm just going to stop complaining about this, because I'm probably just shooting myself in the foot here…either that or you're all going to think I'm gay. Rant over.

Anyway, after I found a bathroom, because I had drunk too much water, I started wandering through Artist Alley. In the booth marked "Jimmy Palmiotti" sat J.G. Jones. This was confusing to both myself and apparently him, since at times he was telling lesser-informed fans that he was Jimmy Palmiotti. Jones has been doing amazing work as the cover artist of 52, and well, I wanted to tell him that (and now I'm starting to understand those fanboys rushing for autographs earlier). So I approached him and said "Now what is JG Jones doing in the booth that is marked for Jimmy Palmiotti?" To which he replied by saying the exact thing back to me, in an exaggerated version of my voice "That's my best impression, sorry." Wow. J.G. Jones just mocked me. Anyway, this developed into a very interesting conversation about how I loved the 52 cover that was Batman fighting the dragon, and how apparently I'm the only one who understood that was a reference to the famous St. George fighting the dragon and was representing Batman fighting his inner-demons. (I don't believe I'm the only one who got this, but that's what he said.) I also asked him if that was a clue for upcoming issues of 52, if that means Batman will be fighting Richard Dragon? "No, but that's a good interpretation of that."

After J.G. Jones I found the creators of "Action Philosophers!" where I had another very interesting conversation, which resulted in me jokingly threatening to sue them if their comic wasn't good. I'm such a jokester me…

Wondering around trying to find some of the Nonsensers, I went through a bunch of the booths. The Cheerleader from "Heroes" was signing autographs, as was Gary Coleman. I got pictures with Kyle Baker and Chris Claremont(who I also managed to piss off), as well as tell Rags Morales that he draws a great Black Canary. Jimmy Palmiotti (finally at his booth) drew a quick sketch of Jonah Hex for me and signed it. That was cool. I stopped by the "Masters of Horror" booth, and had a poster signed by all 6 directors there, including John Landis. This was kinda funny because I told Landis that even though this was a Masters of Horror booth, I preferred his comedies like The Blues Brothers and Animal House, to which the director next to him (I'm sorry, but I don't know his name) said jokingly "Well, fuck you man" and signed the poster "Fuck You Billy". That was awesome.

Bill Plympton signed an autograph for me, and I had a fun conversation with one of his, I guess assistants about the costumes some people were wearing to the convention. "I'm shocked that I've only seen one Slave Leia" I said. "Yeah, and no Black Canarys." (I know, I know). Past the aforementioned top two costumes of Supergirl and Harley Quinn, there were quite a few assorted Jedi walking about, as well as an abundance of people dressed like Anime characters. It's interesting to try and comprehend the dedication some of these people have to Anime characters, and their desire to look exactly like them, no matter how unhuman the character might look. I mean some of them had white paint above their eyes just to make them look bigger; and the amount of gel and coloring in some peoples' hair… Honestly, humans don't look like that for a reason. Becoming a carbon copy of your character doesn't work. Though it does a certain surreal aspect to the whole thing…hell, looking at the crowd at an event like this is like getting a lesson in post-modernism.

Other than them there were some really cool costumed people wandering around. There was a Superman and Batman that looked like what would happen if Alex Ross drew real people (that's not a compliment by the way). There was a Blue Beatle, a Flash and a Green Lantern, all of which I got a picture with. At least three Spidermans, all in different versions of his costume. A really cool Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn combo. A 30-year-old man trying to be Aqualad, skin tight clothes and messed up wig and all. Honestly, he looked like a transvestite in that getup (and Aqualad's a guy!). There was also a skin tight Aquaman running around with very visual nipples. I wonder if it was Joel Schumacher. Boba Fett didn't seem out of place at all, and neither did an almost perfect looking Jean Grey/Phoenix. But the best costume there had to go to a man dressed as the Golden Age Vigilante. Now that's an original costume. Honestly, who would want to be the Vigilante? Who would think to be The Vigilante? That guy's officially entered my book of cool.

Oh, and there was also Skelator. An out-of-work Skelator. Awesome.

During my conversation with Bill Plympton's aide (and Plympton himself at intervals), another fan came up and asked if Plympton could draw him a picture of a man fighting a shark. Apparently, he's asked every artist there to draw a picture of a man fighting a shark, and he's trying to fill up a whole sketchbook of it. This man has just made my official cool list as well. Plympton's aide went on to tell us about how last year someone had every artist draw a picture of Marvel Comics Tigra (I assume even if they are from DC). I didn't even know there were Tigra fans. I didn't even know Tigra was still alive until I saw her used in "Civil War". That guys cool too, cause now he has a whole sketchbook of Tigra drawn by different artists.

I kept on checking Keith Giffen and Peter David's booths at Artist Alley, but they never showed up. I wanted to go meet Paul Dini but I never got around to it. I was really tempted to go up to Rob Liefeld and tell him that I love his work and I would love it if he drew me a picture of Captain America, you know, the one with the insanely large muscles, but I figured I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face while saying it, and the joke would be ruined. There was a table set up for Opie and Anthony and Ron and Fez, but none of them were at the table. That was disappointing. Jim Shooter had a table too…I'm not sure why.

After searching for him all day, I finally found the DC comics Sandwich board guy, and got my "Jimmy Olsen Must Die!" and "WWMMD?" pins. That being my final accomplishment of the day, I began to get ready to head home. As I'm walking out, I see Art Tebbel, Editor-In-Chief for Nonsense, (one of the Nonsensers I had been looking for all day.) Figures, I only find him as I'm leaving.

It was a fun day at the convention. I bought some nice comic books (I finally have every copy of "Chase"!), and I met some great comic book creators. Plus I have a picture with me and that guy dressed as Vigilante. That's so cool.

Let's Analyze Bad Lyrics--Keep On Loving You

2007-02-20T04:18:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome to a new edition of "Let's Analyze Bad Lyrics" Today's bad lyric criminal is REO Speedwagon, and their "love" (?) song "Keep On Loving You".

I was listening to an oldies station today when I heard "Keep On Loving You" (sandwiched between Joan Jett's "I Love Rock n Roll" and Bryan Hyland's "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"). Prior to this, I had heard the song numorous times before, but never did I really listen to the lyrics. Let's have a look, shall we? (My comments are in parentheses).

You should’ve seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was something missing
You should’ve known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn’t listen

(Uh oh, this looks like trouble! And by the fact that the main protagonist in this work, probably a male, is giving his female "baby" counterpart numerous warnings that she should have known better, I get the feeling that he is very angry at her, and worse things, like beatings, are soon to come. Also, by the use of "maybe" it appears that he's not even sure if "baby" should have known by the "tone of [his] voice". Well, let's see what happens next.)

You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin

(OH MY GOD HE DID BEAT HER!!! He hit her, because she didn't understand what he was saying when he yelled at her...or looked in his eyes. She proceeded to pretend to be dead, but that didn't fool the main protagonist, he knew better because there was no blood. (There should always be blood). Also he compares her to a snake. I'm intrigued enough to go on and read why he's mad at her.)

And though I know all about those men
Still I don’t remember

(Ok, he knows that she cheated, but yet, doesn't remember? I get it now, he hit her because he's mentally unstable!)

Cause it was us baby, way before then
And we're still together

(I'd guess not for much longer.)

And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

(He even tried to say it with his fist! How can you not believe that?)

And I’m gonna keep on lovin you
Cause its the only thing I wanna do
I don’t wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on lovin you

(Now he's raping her! Over and over again, even though his "baby" is begging him to go to sleep and get away from her. This isn't a love song, it's a song about an abusive relationship.)

And I meant every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

(So, to clarify, when he said he loved you forever, he meant he was going to rape you forever...and I'd presume that playing dead won't make any difference to him. It hurts? Well, you should have thought of that before cheating bitch...you should have seen the warnings when you looked in his eyes.)

And I’m gonna keep on lovin you
Cause its the only thing I wanna do
I don’t wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on lovin you

So as we see, "Keep On Loving You" is not a love song at all, but actually a song about a psychotic main protagonist that caught his female counterpart ("baby") cheating with MANY other men (note, he doesn't say just one, but ALL those men. She was a damn whore), and then beating and raping her as punishment. It's a song about revenge, not love.

What I find funny is that this song was played at my cousin's wedding a few years back. I guess no one looked at the lyrics before picking it out.

Ah, the joys of actually reading things...

Insomnia and the impending apocalypse

2007-02-04T15:55:00.000-05:00

It was around 5 in the morning last night. Or is that early morning? Whatever. I was laying in my bed; I couldn't sleep again. I was spinning around the sheets, constantly staring at my alarm clock. "Maybe if I stare at my clock the time will go backwards." Alas, that did not work. In fact it did the complete opposite...talk about your bad luck.

I started flipping through channels on my TV, thinking that maybe there would be at least something interesting to watch during my insomnia. There was an episode of the X-Files on...no shock there, there was also some show where they were selling ten year old pennies at 35 dollars a piece. I wonder if I can do that. I mean, I have a whole jar full of change...who knows what I can sell that for...

Random thoughts shifted in and out of my head. "I was sleepy right before I got to bed, how am I not tired now?", "Just wait, right when I find something to watch, I'll fall asleep", "Which is the worst news of the week...Boston being full of idiots or Joss Weeden not doing the Wonder Woman movie anymore? Boston...definitely Boston." And as I remembered how much I don't care about the Superbowl, Showtime flickered onto my TV...and then, well...I don’t know how to describe what I saw. It wasn't just ugly...it was exactly what we always feared American culture would succumb to. It was what we had been warned about, by everyone from T.S. Eliot to Mallard Fillmore... It was...horrible...it was...impossible...it was...Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in the same movie. I instantly hit the "Info" button on my remote to figure out what the hell this monstrosity was...I had actually heard of it before: "Pauly Shore is Dead"...in which his career hits rock bottom, so he fakes his own death to regain popularity. And it works...after everyone thinks Pauly is dead, he is hailed as a comedy legend...well, until they figure out he's still alive. Then they throw him in jail. I'm really not sure why either...

While in jail he hangs out with Todd Barry, Tommy Lee, Heidi Fleis and the ghost of Sam Kiniston...and I assume learns a valuable life lesson (ironically) and probably gets his "career" back...I'm not sure...I passed out around then...Believe me it was for the better, because if I had to hear one more "Heeeeeeeeey Budddddddddy" a blood vessel in my brain probably would have popped, and blood would have shot out of my ears.

The worse part was...this was a Pauly Shore movie, which with a little research I found out he directed...and featured cameos by the likes of Woopi Goldberg, Britney Spears, Kurt Loader, Matt Pinfield, Sugar Ray, Limp Bizqit, Tom Sizemore, Carson Daily, the aforementioned Carrot Top, Kato Kalin, and Ja Rule (none of which surprise me as they all suck), but also Bill Maher, Ellen Degenerous, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Dr Dre, and Snoop Dogg. Why guys, why?

Oh and he compares his own comedy lovingly to Sam Kiniston...either that or he really hates him.

Needless to say, this movie has scarred me for life. It was the equivalent of the Kent State Massacre on screen. They just kept on shooting at me for no reason at all. Over and over again. At the same time though, I couldn’t look away from it. I was amazed at Pauly Shore's ability to say, without even laughing, that he has a fan base. Maybe he is a better actor than I had previously thought. The movie did provide an interesting question, which I still am thinking about this minute...what is the difference between Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler? Not that much, other than Sandler's from New York...but they both do annoying characters and voices, and they both have done a bunch of shitty movies, and they both are comparably better when paired with Rob Schnider...so why does Adam Sandler have millions, while Pauly is parking the cars at his mothers Comedy Store? I don’t know...but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that Adam Sandler made Happy Gilmore, and didn't make Encino Man. Oh, and people hate Pauly Shore.

My top 5 movies of the year

2007-01-10T00:03:00.000-05:00

This year was probably the worst for me and movie theatres. I hardly went this year. I guess it was mostly due to lack of money, but there were so many movies I missed, and yet so many more that I had to finally watch on DVD.

So, this is hardly a complete list. If I saw some more of the "Critic Choice" movies that came out, maybe this list would reflect the years true outlook better, but for now, it's just my top 5 of movies I have seen that came out this year.

For the record I have yet to see: Borat, The Departed, Brick, Hard Candy, Full Nelson, The Good Sheppard, The Good German, The Science of Sleep, Stranger than Fiction, Searching for Comedy in the Muslim World, Factory Girl, plus many more essential movies of the year.

Here are my top 5:

1)Casino Royale
2)Thank You For Smoking
3)Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
4)Little Miss Sunshine
5)Clerks 2

3 of those five were adaptations from books (I don’t think Little miss Sunshine was a book first, right?) 3 are also technically comedies. 2 are sequels (or reboots), and 2 are foreign films (technically Casino Royale and Perfume). One is a film that most people addressed as simply "Not sucking" (Clerks 2).

These are the other films that I saw for 2006, and I'm gonna do an EW (Entertainment Weekly) letter grade and say a few words about each.

A Scanner Darkly
---It's a pretty intriguing movie and it almost made my top 5. The reason Clerk beat it out was because I enjoyed Clerks more. That and A Scanner Darkly could be kind of confusing for some. A-

Accepted
---Funnier than I thought it would be, but still kind of stupid. It was trying to be Animal House when there was no need for a new Animal House. And I jokingly blame the fact that I've seen this, but not should-be-right-up-my-alley Brick on Steph and her unrequited love for Lewis Black. (It's all your fault!). B

American Dreamz
---An attempt at satire that doesn't fall as flat on it's face as everyone says it does. Granted, it's no where near perfect, and does get somewhat stupid at a point, but I think it actually says some good things. I talk more about it in this article. B

Crank
---I called this movie D.O.A. meets Speed. That's really the perfect way to describe it. Well...that and add to it the fact that it's made for people who have no attention span and think The Fast and The Furious was the high point of American cinema. The only thing this movie has going for it is it's super fast pace. It makes it feel like it's only been 20 minutes you've wasted watching it, and not an hour and a half. C-

Inside Man
---Not the worst Spike Lee movie I've seen, and not even that controversial (ooh, they mention the Holocaust. Scandalous). But also not at all memorable. I guess it's an enjoyable, harmless movie. Spike Lee has made better work though. B-

Snakes on a Plane
---Forget about the movie. The thing everyone mentions with this is the internet hype and Samuel L. Jackson saying a line that will become the next "Get off My Plane!". (Or, as I said when I saw the trailer for that crappy Harrison Ford movie this year about criminals stealing money online: "Get off My Internet!"). Anyway, the hype wasn't all there, it's not as bad as it should have been, and if you see this movie without a large enthusiastic audience then you're stupid. C -

Superman Returns
---Bryan Singer was trying to make Superman this operatic character. And yes, it certainly has that operatic feel to it. Unfortunately it's also pretty boring. I don’t know, it just seems like this movie could have been so much better than it was. B-

V for Vendetta
---Now this was a travesty. If you've ever read the awesome graphic novel then you know they got everything all wrong. The fact that Evey wasn't a prostitute in here just messes up her whole characterization. The only reason she would hang out with a person like V is because she's so desperate a person! And what the hell is all this blaming America shit? So bad...C-

X Men 3: The Last Stand
---Most of my feelings for this movie can be summed up here. B

I'm trying to catch up. I just added Idocracy to my Netflix queue.

the top catchphrases list is revealed

2006-12-07T17:45:00.000-05:00

the top catchphrases list is revealed

"Heeeeere's Johnny!" Number 1 catch-phrase on TV Land list

Damn I'm good.

TV Land's list of the top 100 TV catch-phrases

2006-11-27T23:18:00.000-05:00

TV Land released their list of the top 100 TV catch-phrases. The only problem is they’re in alphabetical order. The actually countdown will be aired I think starting December 11th, but until then, I thought it would be fun to try to put them in order myself.

It's a pretty good list. At least 90% I can say actually belong here. The other 10% were obviously placed to try and gain cred from younger viewers I'm sure. Why else would something from "How I met your Mother" make this list?

Off the top of my head I can't think of anything that's missing. I probably will think of 30 right after I post this. Remember it's TV quotes, not movie quotes. If you guys have any additions, post em in the comments.

Ok, here we go (I've added some comments to select few):

1)"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
-Almost everyone can identify where this quote came from and who says it. It's been referenced everywhere, and many parodies have been made of it. I have no reason not to expect this isn't going to be number one.
2)"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
3) "I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)
4)"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" (Neil Armstrong)
5)"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
-Do you realize how much we use this phrase in simple conversation? I know Seinfeld didn't invent it, but I highly doubt we'd be using it as much as we do without its influence.
6)"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country" (John F. Kennedy)
7)"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
8)"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
9)"Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
10)"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
-This phrase defined a generation that grew up with music videos, short attention spans and MTV. The fact that this catch-phrase is a demand says so more about the MTV generation than any explanation can.
11)"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
12)"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
13)"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
14)"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
-I just assume this is how rich people talk. C'mon, so do you.
15)"Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry" (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
16)"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
17)"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
18)"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
19)"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
20)"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
21)"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
-This catch-phrase was perfect because of the decade it came out in. The 80's was a decade missing substance. That old lady from the Wendy's commercial wanted to know where her substance in hamburgers went. The sad part is, no one told her Wendy's lacked just as much substance as the closest competitor.
22)"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
23)"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
-After he'd scream at his wife with threats of bruises and space travel, Kramdem normally realized how much he needed Alice and uttered this line. And somehow, we really believe he wasn't going to punch her in the face.
24)"Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
25)"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
26)"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
-The most famous quote to come out of the televised McCarthy hearings. Kinda sums it up pretty well.
27)"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
28)"Norm!" ("Cheers")
29)"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
-Even though this quote was not originally from Ren and Stimpy (Peter Lorre said it in "Casablanca", and since Ren has Lorre's voice, it's only fitting he say it too), it was probably the most common kids quote in the early 90s. You wouldn't believe how many people were now eeeediots! in my immature years.
30)"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
31)"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
32)"This is the city, Los Angeles" (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
33)"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
-Unless I'm mistaken, Jackie Gleason is the only person with two catch-phrases on this list.
34)"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
35)"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
36)"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
-One good way to gage how much impact a particular quote had is by looking at how much comedy and comedians had parodied it. This one was done quite a bit. Somehow I don't remember Dana Carvey ever saying it though.
37)"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
38)"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
39)"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
40)"Smile, you're on `Candid Camera'" ("Candid Camera")
41)"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
-Coincidentally also what Schultz said at Nuremberg.
42)"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
-Ok, if you count that Richard Nixon said this on "Laugh In" once, then he has two quotes on this list too. In the 60s this line went everywhere. Aretha Franklin even yelled it in her version of "Respect" and Mitch Ryder made a whole song out of it.
43)"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
-Why are we honoring this one?
44)"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
45)"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
46)"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
47)"Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
48)"Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
49)"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
-Hack comics everywhere have made this line their own. I don't believe in the 80s, a season of SNL went by without at least one character saying it or some variation of it at least once.
50)"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
51)"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
52)"I'm Rick James, bitch!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
-Yeah, people are still friggen saying it.
53)"Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
54)"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
55)"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
-It's still always hysterical to enter an argument by calling your opponent an ignorant slut.
56)"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
57)"It takes a licking and keeps on ticking" (Timex ad)
58)"And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
59)"It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)
60)"De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
-TV viewers are so mean. If a tall English speaking man uttered these lines, I highly doubt we would remember/care about them. But since Tattoo was a short ugly Spanish dude who moonlighted as a James Bond villain, we love it. We're mean.
61)"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
62)"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
63)"Yeah, that's the ticket" (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
64)"Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
65)"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
66)"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
67)"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
68)"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
69)"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
70)"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
71)"You look mahvelous!" (Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
72)"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
73)"Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")
74)"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
75)"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
76)"You've got spunk. I hate spunk!" (Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show")
-I think this might be my favorite quote that no one ever quotes.
77)"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
-Honestly, I hate this line. I think it's so stupid, and clearly shows my contempt for "Welcome Back, Kotter". Yet, I can't deny that it was popular and did affect people. Why? I don't know. I just assume people like John Travolta.
78)"Would you believe…?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
79)"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
-There was a short time in the 90s when saying this quote was funny. It was called Elementary school.
80)"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
81) "God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
82)"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
83) "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
84)"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
-Now we're getting into famous quotes from TV shows that didn't exactly affect all of pop culture. But, whatever.
85)"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
86)"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
87)"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
-For all those stupid people everywhere.
88)"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
89)"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
90)"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl" (Larry, "Newhart")
91)"Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
92)"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
93)"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
-Kill yourself.
94)"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
95)"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
-Did Marcia actually say this when the football hit her? I don't remember. Either way, I would think the more popular Brady Bunch quote would have been Jan's line: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!".
96)"Welcome to the O.C., bitch" (Luke, "The O.C.")
-I've never watched these last three shows, so I don't know how to rank them…I just find this line funny for some reason.
97)"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
98)"Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
-It appears there are two missing. Hmm. Maybe they're better than these.

This might be cheating, but where's "What's up Doc?" and other Looney Tunes quotes? I know they originally started as theatrical shorts, but they gained life on TV where younger and younger generations watched them and only knew of them from programming like "The Bugs and Tweety Show" and "Looney Tunes on Nickelodeon".

How to display a certain ineptitude while analyzing lyrics

2006-11-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

I just realized that the Elton John song title "Jamaica Jerk-Off" is a pun. It's quite obvious in the chorus:

When she gets up in the morning
Its enough to wake the dead
Oh she turning on the radio
And dancing on my head

Its no good living in the sun
Playing guitar all day
Boogalooing with my friends
In that erotic way

Come on jamaica
In jamaica all day
Dancing with your darling
Do jamaica jerk-off that way

Come on jamaica
Everybody say
Were all happy in jamaica
Do jamaica jerk-off that way

Let the ladies and the gentlemen
Be as rude as they like
On the beaches, oh in the jungle
Where the people feel alright

So do it jamaica
Got plenty for you and me
Honky tonking with my baby
In that deep blue sea

Late Night Ramblings

2006-11-22T04:26:00.000-05:00

It's late, I'm sick, fuck spell check, I just have some random opinions and thoughts.

You wanna know what's weird...I just had a conversation with my Dad about Borat. That wasn't the weird part...the weird part was that he was able to quote bits from him verbatim. I had no clue my Dad knew who Borat or Sascha Baron Cohen even was. I've never seen him watch Da Ali G Show...does HBO show episodes of it at like 4 in the morning? That's the only time that I'd think he'd watch it...I don’t know. It just surprises me.

Alright, I just watch Revenge of The Nerds again. The last time I saw the movie had to be like 5 years ago, and just like I remembered, it was stupid, yet entertaining and funny. Something else I realized about it though: While a stupid college-teen comedy, it possesses a genius concept: Have a social commentary on racism, but instead of white people discriminating against blacks, have it be Nerds. Look at all the tell-tale signs--The Alpha Beta bad guys are all pure white (as are their Sorority counterparts); the Nerds are a amalgamation of every group from society that has ever been called an outcast, an outsider, or different in any way; The Nerds join up with the Tri-Lams, which is an all-black Frat, and they accept them; The Alpha Betas burn the word "Nerds" in front of their house (ala a cross), and throw bricks though their windows telling them to go away; plus much more.

Now, I know I'm not making points that haven’t already been brought out before, but that's not the point...what I really wanted to say about the movie was what pissed me off about it--specifically that the hot girl, Betty, decides to dump her jock Alpha-Beta boyfriend for a Nerd, just because he's good in bed. Now, aren't the Nerds suppose to be smart? Doesn't Lewis realize that she's just using him for sex and that she feels no feelings toward him what-so-ever? Maybe he just doesn’t care? Anyway, that's one hell of a message to send: Girls like you only for sex. That's almost as bad as the end of Grease: If you want to get the guy, be a slut.
Now that I think about it, if they were making a race commentary with that scene as well, then it is both hilarious and ridiculously offensive. It's hilarious because the stereotype of black men having huge dicks is being saddled with Nerds are good at sex and that by just having sex with a black man/Nerd, the white girl will instantly regret any previous sex with someone of less quality. You know, "Once you go black, you never go back"? That thing. It's offensive though because basically the movie says that that's the only reason why a hot girl would fall for a Nerd or white girl fall for a black guy. Apparently they have no other redeeming qualities.

I just finished reading Mark Evanier and Sergio Aragones' Fanboy graphic novel. It was pretty damn good. If you're a comic book nerd, or a fan of DC comics or of most of the classic artists, then you need to pick it up. It's hilarious, and true (mostly).

Being sick has allowed me to watch two classic cult shows that I never got the chance to really watch before hand. The Diana Rigg version of the Avengers and the original Star Trek. Now, I've seen both these shows before, but I guess I just never cared enough about either to really look at them and give them a chance. My Dad had a few VHS cassettes of the British spy show the Avengers, so I figured I might as well watch them while I'm sick (since Netflix suspended my account temporarily), since I can't really do anything else. I know that Patrick McNee's John Steed was a regular in the cast for almost the entirety of the show (a few first season episodes aside) and that he even came back for the short lived 1970s revival, but his (mostly) female counterparts changed quite a few times during the show’s 1961 to 1969 run. The most well known of his partners, and my favorite (and apparently my Dad's favorite too since he doesn't have an episode with anyone else) was the beautiful Diana Rigg as Emma Peel. The sexual tension between the two was the highlight of many episodes, especially the ones that boarder lined on plain silly in concept (super-intelligent robots taking over Parliament to make decisions for us? C'mon). Now while I have seen a few episodes with other female leads (Rigg's predecessor Honor Blackman being one), I really just can't imagine the show without the Steed/Peel chemistry. These two worked so well together; they acted like lovers but never got into bed (at least on camera)...that was the kind of mistake that ruined great shows like Moonlighting and the X-Files (well, bad writing and Robert Patrick ruined that). When the two leads finally do sleep together, you ruin all the sexual tension, and all the reasons for tuning in. Frankly, I could care less about Maddie and David after they fucked on Moonlighting. And Mulder and Scully...in that final episode when they kissed...no! For a show that's about the unexpected, that was the thing that everyone was expecting, but no one wanted! Anyway, check out some Emma Peel era Avengers.

Oh, I just realized Emma Peel is a pun. Emma Peel=M Appeal, or better known as MAN Appeal. Something Diana Rigg certainly had.

Now the original Star Trek. I like to thank TV Land for airing a marathon of the show, so I could finally watch some episodes. I have to say, I did enjoy them. I'm surprised how many episodes did not even take place in space, as well as how many actually had ironic morals for the real world (so many episodes were meant to make you think of the current situations and events of the 60s in a new light). The episode "City at the End of Time" was probably one of the best episodes I watched and made me laugh quite a few times. I was shocked. Now what does this make me. I'm certainly not a Trekkie. I'm also not running out to buy the show on DVD. I still say Star Wars is better too. It's a shame there's a stigma attached to Star Trek.

Michael Richards racist outbursts at the LA comedy club The Laugh Factory might have been the funniest things to come out of a LA Comics mouth ever.

Also since when does Michael Richards do stand up? I mean, I know his career was in the shitter, but stand up? Can't Weird Al make another movie or something?

Movies I still havent seen, but want to:
Casino Royal
Borat
The Fountain
The Departed

Maybe when I get money.

That new trailer for Spiderman 3 looks amazing. I can't wait for that movie. I hate Venom, and I never thought a movie with him would work, but Goddamn, it looks like Sam Raimi did it right. And friggen Sandman looks awesome!

Ok, that's it. I can hear my TV playing the theme song to Innuasha*, so I know I'm up too late. I can't breath through my nose, but I'm gonna try to sleep anyway.

*How the hell is it spelt anyway?

15 political movies for your Election Day fun

2006-11-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

In case you don't feel like watching the polls this Election Day, how bout a politics themed movie night? (Wow, how lame did that sentence sound?). Here, for your approval, are a few of the best movies related to politics.

Mr. Smith Goes To Washington (1939)-Frank Capra
The old Standby. I was watching it again last night, and there's still something that bothers me about this movie: it's too optimistic. But I guess that's it's charm..virtue overcomes corruption. The Everyman succeeds in the political process and Aristotle's "Polity" comes true. Jimmy Stewart gives us hope for a brighter future in everything we do.

Citizen Kane (1941) -Orson Welles
On the other hand, Orson Welles Citizen Kane shows corruption. Or rather, tries to humanize a corrupt figure. Charles Foster Kane attempts a run for political office, but is caught in a sex scandal right before Election Day. After his bitter loss (to someone who was much more despicable than the morally questionable Kane), he has his newspaper print that the Election was tainted. What does this show? Even though Kane was hated by some (and rightfully so) and even though Kane is not a clean, pure, likable person (as was Jefferson Smith of the movie above), he was still probably a better politician than the winner, and probably cared more for the people than any of the politicians that he shook hands with, or married the daughters of.

The Manchurian Candidate (1962)- John Frankenheimer
Now we're getting into movies that are a touch more complicated. The original Manchurian Candidate focuses on the Cold War paranoia that was spreading around the country in the 60s. Here politics and fear come head to head and an uncomfortable relationship is made between the two. What does this movie say? Just because someone is preaching the values we want to hear, doesn't mean that they will vote that way (paging Hillary Clinton!). Never assume that you see the full picture of Washington DC. Never assume that the hero you admire really believes what they say, and never fall into voting for someone out of fear.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)- Stanley Kubrick
How absurd was the political chess game known as the Cold War? Very absurd. At least that's what Stanley Kubrick is telling us. The President might think he is in control of everything, but in reality, no one is in true control. A minor general could hold more power than the Commander-in-Chief, or an Air Force Pilot could determine the United States next facet of foreign policy. And what is driving all of these men? Well, of course: Sex! Sex! Sex! Don't be fooled, the President has no clue what's going on everywhere at once, and he has no way to stop what others do--that includes nuclear war!

All The President's Men (1976) -Alan J. Pakula
Or does he? Nixon had more power than any President since FDR (and that..s even debatable). The power kinda went to his head, as he and his staff thought they could get away with the Watergate break-in. So what is this movie telling us? Well, the President might think he..s a dictator, or in an "Imperial Presidency", but he's no different than you or I, and he can be taken down just as easily. Nixon was impeached, his staff was convicted, and their political careers ruined. One branch cannot become too powerful, because there's always a check and balance there to stop you. Here of course, it was the unofficial branch: the media.

Bob Roberts (1992) -Tim Robbins
Bob Roberts is about a musician that decides to run for Senate--and wins. His music takes the form of propaganda, grabbing a hold of and identifying with people. Bob Roberts didn..t just use pop culture, he was pop culture. People who vote for him are the same people who would vote for Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. Just because they're celebrities, and just because they have an opinion, doesn't mean they can run a nation or make laws. His catchy-tunes trick you just as his fake assassination attempt tricked the voters, just like TV tricks you into thinking Stewart can handle himself against the likes of Jon Ashcroft and John Kerry. This is the pop culture politician. This is Ronald Regan, this is Bill Clinton, this is George W. Bush, John Kerry, Sonny Bono, Jim Bunning, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, Jesse Ventura. The list goes on. This is where America is heading. Pop culture and politics are the same thing now, and to understand one, means you have to understand the other.

Distinguished Gentlemen (1992) - Jonathan Lynn
How easy is it to get elected? Pretty easy it seems that even a criminal can achieve political office (see New Jersey's Senate race). As long as you have an endorsement, and a name, you can do anything. The people don't know who they're voting for, they probably also don..t care. They also don't listen to a word you say. As Eddie Izzard said: "It's not what you say but how you say it." As long as you sound like a politician, you are a politician, and therefore electable. This movie also shows us another thing: Who are the bigger crooks, the ones in jail, or the ones in the House of Representatives? In Washington, deception and corruption is King. The politics don't even matter.

Dave (1993) -Ivan Reitman
In a time when movies were filled with anti-political sentiment, it took one Republican screenwriter to bring optimism back to politics. Dave is the successor to Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, in that the good guy can succeed and do well for the people. Dave Kovic is a populist. He wants to help others, especially the people that he now seems to be the President of. Well, technically Bill Mitchell is the President, he just looks like him, but that's a technicality. Dave shows that the mistakes of the past don't mean that someone can't do well for the people now. It's refreshing to see hope again in political movies.

My Fellow Americans (1996)- Peter Segal
Many probably think this movie is a joke that takes cheap shots at both The Republicans and The Democrats. Well, there's more there than that. Though the situation both main characters are put into seems a little overkill, and though one would think that none of this could possibly happen in real life, the message of it all is something that we hope can be true. Even though people have different political parties, and political beliefs, when it comes down to it, those differences can be cast aside to work together, and help those that need help. Republicans and Democrats are not that different in the end, they just like to pretend to be (mostly for comical zingers).

Air Force One (1997) -Wolfgang Peterson
When the situation seems at it's worst, a President can over come anything by ju--yeah, just kidding.

Wag The Dog (1997)-Barry Levinson
Wag The Dog follows in the tradition of Bob Roberts. The election of the President is basically the control of pop culture. The election process is like getting a movie off the ground, you need a pitch, a budget, a crew, a trailer, a soundtrack, product placement, everything--and on Election Day, the people will come out to choose what movie they want to watch for the next four years. The President is the greatest movie character of all time.

Primary Colors (1998)- Mike Nichols
The opposite of Dave--the past of the President will come up to haunt them later on. It adds to their character. In fact, everything the person does relates to their character. Does that make him a bad man? Primary Colors says no, but the voters might think so.

Bulworth (1998)- Warren Beatty
Do you ever wonder if a politician realizes his or her own ludicrousness? Do you think they ever feel bad for it? What if the politician has the same problems that a teenager trying to identify has? Granted, we might call it a mid-life crisis, but that..s only because they're fifty. Anyway, the theory is that the politician is a representative of their constituency. What if their constituency is absolutely nothing like they are? Well, as their representative, then the politician is then forced to fight for their causes, forced to be like them. How much is too much like them though?

Election (1999)-Alexander Payne
Election takes place in a high school--true. The major party politics of Election can best be defined as Coke vs. Pepsi--also true. But here's the thing, Election might be the best critique of democracy since The Prince. The person who is seems to be the best for the job, isn't always electable, and the person who is detested by all, is the one who will do the most good. Should politics be that way? Well, if you try to change it, you..re just going to get yourself in more trouble.

American Dreamz (2006) -Paul Weitz
Ok, so this movie wasn..t that good. There is something here that one can take from it though..the election of the President and the state of foreign policy is like the TV show American Idol. Ok, let me explain. TV is the place where everything comes together for all to see. We live in a world where people make decisions on who to vote for based upon an SNL sketch. To master politics means you need to master pop culture (something that this whole list is preaching). What..s the biggest pop culture sensation currently? American Idol. (Where more people voted for Justin Guarini than they did George W. Bush). The new political battleground will be audience-participation events, places where people can call in, or ask questions directly to the candidate. When Bill Clinton got asked "Boxers or Briefs?" on MTV we all called it stupid--now, that may be the most important question of the modern age.

The Politics of Fear in the 2006 Elections

2006-11-02T18:09:00.000-05:00

The Politics of Fear has become very important in recent elections. The British documentary "The Power of Nightmares" showed how fear has been used in politics since the 1950s in both America and many Middle Eastern countries. Now that were in a conflict that involves both, its no surprise that its all we hear from critics of the current administration.

According to the Democrats the Republicans are apparently causing us to vote for them and Bush out of fear, that if we don’t, the terrorists win. It’s funny, that outside of possibly Bush himself, I have never heard a Republican candidate claim this. Its usually the Democrats saying this--to scare us!

Look back; the Democrats chastise the Republicans for using fear in all elections since September 9-11. A keen observer would notice that its the other way around; the Democrats are the ones that are using the element of fear, to induce a fear of Republicans.

It can’t be more evident than the recent Senatorial Race in New Jersey between Bob Menendez (D) and Tom Kean Jr. (R). Has anyone seen the ads for this? They’re all over TV. Menendezs ads are just attack ads against Kean Jr., claiming, "A Vote for Kean Jr. is a vote for Bush." He attacks the fact that Kean Jr. supports Bush on the War in Iraq, Social Security, National Defense and everything else that defines the Bush Administration. (I’m not sure if anything from this is true, but Kean Jr. doesn’t seem to deny the accusations). Menendez asks his constituents if they want a supporter of Bush in the White House. Aren’t you afraid of what he is going to do if elected? Aren’t you afraid that he’s going to support Bush’s agenda? Aren’t you afraid that he’s going to make you afraid of Terrorists?

Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees this. For a party that claims they are for the people and for a party that screams that the Republicans use fear to get elected, they certainly aren’t below being hypocrites.

I need to mention another political event that just occurred. Senator John Kerry called our troops all idiots. No, it wasn’t in those exact words, it was more like: "Education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well, if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." So basically he said that our troops are uneducated. Well, I’m sorry we all can’t go to Yale Senator Kerry! So, Kerry has refused to apologize, and his whole party is backing away from him. Even friggen Senator Hilary Clinton (D-New York) has come out and said that what Kerry claims is appalling and inappropriate. I don’t know what would drive the man to even make this statement and think its ok. Is this part of his attempt to be tough? Remember that whole charade, where it seemed he didn’t care what he did or said anymore? It was the verbal equivalent of Al Gore growing a beard. Senator Kerry, I’m not afraid to say this, you sir, are a shithead.

Here’s a picture a friend sent me from the troops in Iraq to the Senator. I think it gets the point across quite well:

Larry The Cable Guy-Politician

2006-10-11T22:31:00.000-04:00

Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee has stated that Americans want politicians to be more like Larry The Cable Guy, because of his "Git-R-Done" catchphrase and attitude.

Note, he did not say he thinks Larry The Cable Guy should be a politician but rather that politicians should model themselves after the ideology that the character created by Dan Whitney preaches.

"Sometimes I think we need [a] Larry The Cable Guy running for office so we can just 'Git-R-Done' because that's what people really want out of us. They want competence. They want us to accomplish something,...I don't think the average voter is as ideological as he or she is practical."

Interesting. And not a surprise, since if you were to ask the people of Arkansas what comedians they can relate to most (and probably trust most) no doubt many will state Larry The Cable Guy and his blue-collar sense of humor.

Comedians and politics aren't two paths that haven't been crossed before. Prop-comic Gallagher tried running for Governor of California in their recall election. Doug Stanhope seems to be somewhat serious of his intentions to possibly run for President on the Libertarian Party ticket in 2008. Howard Stern (I know, not a comedian, but a shock jock that can be funny) tried running for New York City Mayor before. And lets not forget the obvious, the constant calls for either (or both) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to run for President based solely on the reasoning that they can read jokes about the news and politics off a script that were created by a bunch of professional comedy writers, sometimes without Stewart or Colbert's involvement at all. As Mad Magazine put it perfectly in issue ..467: "no appearance by a pandering politico is complete without the kiss-ass suggestion that Jon Stewart should enter politics. At which point, the same studio audience that doesn't think George W. Bush is qualified to handle his job, happily explodes at the notion of being represented by Adam Sandler's roommate in Big Daddy."

What is it about people trusting comedians more? Is it because they quote-unquote "tell the truth"? Is it because they say things most other people would never dream of saying? Is it because politicians are fools anyway, so as Gallagher put it, why not put a professional in that position? Maybe. I'd like to think that it has to do with the power of comedy. I'd like to think that people realize that via comedy, one can tackle a serious topic, and put it in a perspective where the absurdity of it is clear to everyone. More or less, the main purpose of satire. I'd like to think that people realize sometimes that only via comedy can anything truly be said.

Is that what Huckabee is saying? Is he claiming that politicians should be more like comedians in the sense that they tell the truth and cut the bullshit? No, I don't think so. I think he's implying that they would somehow get the job done faster (something, that no one can accomplish, unless you're Michael Douglas or Martin Sheen or possibly James K. Polk). Just because comedians can shine some light on a subject doesn't mean that the whole nation will agree with him or her on it. It doesn't mean that bills become law faster. All it means is that we'll have David Cross as our Press Secretary.

The "Git-R-Done" ideology Huckabee is ascribing to suggests they'll get the work done faster, and that's what people want. Well, it's a nice idea...won't happen.

It's fitting this comes up the same week when Robin Williams and Lewis Black's comedy "Man Of The Year", about a Jon Stewart-like comedian who runs for (and wins) the Presidency opens in box offices. Watch and see how he won't accomplish anything faster.

Whatever Nugent wants, Nugent gets.

2006-09-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

Something strange happened a few minutes ago. I was eating lunch (not the strange thing) and I was flipping through channels for something on TV (still not the strange thing). Alas, there was nothing on, so I settled for the short-attention span programming of VH1 Classic. I figured I could probably catch a few old music videos or performances that I haven’t seen in a few years (or rather since the last time I turned on VH1 Classic). All normal. But here's what was strange: The video that came on was Damn Yankees "High Enough". Now, the fact that that video was being played on VH1 Classic was not the weird part (though I would argue this is no 'classic'), but what was was the fact that I just sat there staring at the screen...almost hypnotized by their 'sensitive metal band music'. I'm not quite sure why.

Now a lesser writer would make an allusion that this hypnotism must have been what kept most of the world loving bands like Stryper in the 80s. Naw, that’s a hack point...anyone who hears it knows this music sucked, we don’t need to drive it into the ground with impossible justifications. It was bad, you know it, I know it. In my early high school days I listened to a great deal of it (I'm sorry before I had taste I was into hair metal); now I can’t stand it. Normally when it comes on, I jump for the remote to turn it off. For some reason though, I didn’t for "High Enough".

Something in the video did something to me. It can't be the song...I’m past that point in my musical tastes (at least I think)...Damn Yankees isn't even good enough to listen to ironically. It's not the band itself, consisting of guitar virtuoso Ted Nugent, Styx guitarist Tommy Shaw and Night Ranger's Jack Blades. All of them have done superior work in their original bands, and Damn Yankees was just a way to cash in on the supergroup craze alongside crap bands like Asia and Bad English and the normally-respectable Traveling Willburys. It had to be the video. What was it about the video?

The video makes no sense what-so-ever. It starts with a "typical 80s hair metal vixen" (on loan from the band Vixen) leaning up against a waiting police cruiser, asking a lazing cop what all the commotion is. The very Southern cop responds: "Its just dem Damn Yankees". Then a young man runs past the oblivious sheriff and into a house (which I assume the cop was suppose to be stopping him from doing) and is followed by two other police cruisers carrying more police officers than one could possibly hold. They look mad. Lets see why!

As the cops line up their guns against a cop car, intending to I assume drive the suspect out, the video fades to black and white with the band in the house, looking out windows and getting worried. Then the music starts.

Now, I'm confused. Is the band supposed to be representing the young suspect? Are they hostages? Was this their house he ran into? Are these his associates? Is he their manager? Something doesn’t exactly make sense here.

The rest of the video tells the young man's story, or rather, his girlfriend's story. Apparently he robs liquor stores (presumably more than one) while his girl drives the get-a-way car. They're obviously not too bright, as they both do this with their picture perfect 80's video faces uncovered in broad daylight. Eventually, while making-out, they get caught. (One tuning into this video half way through will think it's message is that if you kiss someone, you'll get arrested. How will you explain this to your mother?) Anyway, they run, she gets caught, he pauses, but keeps on running, showing that he's a heartless bastard, yada yada yada. Meanwhile all this is intercut with video of the band playing in front of gas pumps and Ted Nugent being a camera hog.

The video then jumps back to the beginning as the police finally open fire onto the house (lots of fire...more than is probably necessary). What does the young suspect inside do? Nothing...Instead Ted Nugent busts down the door and appears to defeat them with a Nugent guitar solo (seems reasonable). All this time, the cops are still firing at Nugent and the house. What do they hit though? Beer cans. Lots and lots of beer cans.

So now the girls in jail, the police rush into the house, Tommy Shaw shows off his crucifix earrings, and Nugent hogs the camera more. The video ends with one of the most puzzling sequences I’ve ever seen...the girl is meeting with a Priest, and then being lead down death row to be executed. What? Huh? I mean, I've seen "My Cousin Vinny" a number of times, I've heard their court systems in the South may not be fair, but execution for robbing a liquor store? Hell, she was just the driver! She didn’t even do the robbery. The message I’m getting out of this part of the video is that all of Damn Yankees didn’t pass high school government.

The last image of the video is hysterical. We see now that the Priest was in fact, Ted Nugent. And once again, he's a ham for the camera.

This whole video just blows my mind. What the hell is it trying to say? Stay out of the South? Don't drive a car? A Nugent guitar solo can defeat an army of police? It's full of mixed messages. I'm sure it doesn’t help that the song is a ballad about breaking up, and is placed up against a video about robbing liquor stores.

I'm looking over the lyrics to the song now. Wow, honestly, they might be some of the worst lyrics I've ever read. Here they are.

After the video was over, another Damn Yankees video came on. I didn’t even know they had more than one song. It wasn’t much better, but at least it didn’t try to include a plot line. What the hell was wrong with us pre-Nirvana?

The video can be found here.

Can't Kazakh-stand him!...that’s the worse pun ever.

2006-09-14T14:45:00.000-04:00

It's nice to know that with all the shades of grey and questionable set morals in the world, there are still stupid people that are just outright idiots.

Doesn't the Kazakhstan government realize that their complaints on this matter only make them look worse than Sacha Baron Cohen ever did?

They find Borat offensive to their country's reputation...I guess I could understand that...it's just like New Yorkers finding Andrew Dice Clay offensive to the city’s reputation...of course we don't sit here and complain about it...we just let him hang himself with a noose of his own idiocracy and hope that everyone else in the world is one ounce smarter than his character and realizes that ain’t New York.

I mean, I hope everyone realizes that Clay does not talk like New Yorkers...we don't talk in Nursery Rhymes all the time...we just make fun of your mother. Oooooooh!

Random acts of Revenge

2006-09-12T16:09:00.000-04:00

From the AP/Yahoo News:

"SYDNEY, Australia - At least 10 stingrays have been killed since "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was fatally injured by one of the fish, an official said Tuesday, prompting a spokesman for the late TV star's animal charity to urge people not take revenge on the animals. "

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I don’t think I even need to say anything more. That was one of the greatest opening paragraphs ever.

ok, one more:

"He said killing stingrays was "not what Steve was about.""

No, apparently he was into hunting crocodiles. That was his name wasn't it?

A Million Ways to say nothing

2006-08-16T03:10:00.000-04:00

I just watched a news article on CBS on the Ok Go video for "A Million Ways".

The report "brought to light" the low budget filmmaking done on the video (with a home video camera and a $5 tape), and "reported" that it is the most downloaded video on Youtube. The report then went on to "reveal" that the internet has been a great source of information and an excellent way to promote a band, as the band in question has done.

First things first, just to not be the only blog in the world that hasn't linked to this video yet, here is Ok Go's "A Million Ways" video:

Next: Is CBS really that out of touch? First off, the use of "home video cameras" to achieve a cheap and homemade look is nothing new. In fact, there have been videos like this since before MTV even existed. Secondly, Since when does the news report what is the most downloaded video on Youtube? Thirdly: "They have the internet on computers now?"

Honestly, I don't know why a low budget video (albeit a very cool one that I enjoyed both the visuals and the song itself) by a band that isn't even new (what is it, like 4 years since Ok Go first arrived?) that has been shown on the internet (we'll forget that I saw it on FUSE just yesterday) is news?!?! Further, if they really wanted to report on this video, didn't it come out over a month ago?!?!?!

The real story here (if there is one at all) is that Youtube allows people to distribute videos and other moving images for free over the internet. Hell, that's not even news.

Now I know why people really watch "The Daily Show" to understand what's happening in the world.

On a lighter note, the video is great, but I still think the best part is the guy in the red vest who can't keep rhythm (a great thing for a band) so they keep on sticking him in the back. He's apparently the drummer...even better. Well, i guess every band needs a Michael Anthony.