Sunday, February 4, 2007

Insomnia and the impending apocalypse

It was around 5 in the morning last night. Or is that early morning? Whatever. I was laying in my bed; I couldn't sleep again. I was spinning around the sheets, constantly staring at my alarm clock. "Maybe if I stare at my clock the time will go backwards." Alas, that did not work. In fact it did the complete about your bad luck.

I started flipping through channels on my TV, thinking that maybe there would be at least something interesting to watch during my insomnia. There was an episode of the X-Files shock there, there was also some show where they were selling ten year old pennies at 35 dollars a piece. I wonder if I can do that. I mean, I have a whole jar full of change...who knows what I can sell that for...

Random thoughts shifted in and out of my head. "I was sleepy right before I got to bed, how am I not tired now?", "Just wait, right when I find something to watch, I'll fall asleep", "Which is the worst news of the week...Boston being full of idiots or Joss Weeden not doing the Wonder Woman movie anymore? Boston...definitely Boston." And as I remembered how much I don't care about the Superbowl, Showtime flickered onto my TV...and then, well...I don’t know how to describe what I saw. It wasn't just was exactly what we always feared American culture would succumb to. It was what we had been warned about, by everyone from T.S. Eliot to Mallard Fillmore... It was...Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in the same movie. I instantly hit the "Info" button on my remote to figure out what the hell this monstrosity was...I had actually heard of it before: "Pauly Shore is Dead" which his career hits rock bottom, so he fakes his own death to regain popularity. And it works...after everyone thinks Pauly is dead, he is hailed as a comedy legend...well, until they figure out he's still alive. Then they throw him in jail. I'm really not sure why either...

While in jail he hangs out with Todd Barry, Tommy Lee, Heidi Fleis and the ghost of Sam Kiniston...and I assume learns a valuable life lesson (ironically) and probably gets his "career" back...I'm not sure...I passed out around then...Believe me it was for the better, because if I had to hear one more "Heeeeeeeeey Budddddddddy" a blood vessel in my brain probably would have popped, and blood would have shot out of my ears.

The worse part was...this was a Pauly Shore movie, which with a little research I found out he directed...and featured cameos by the likes of Woopi Goldberg, Britney Spears, Kurt Loader, Matt Pinfield, Sugar Ray, Limp Bizqit, Tom Sizemore, Carson Daily, the aforementioned Carrot Top, Kato Kalin, and Ja Rule (none of which surprise me as they all suck), but also Bill Maher, Ellen Degenerous, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Dr Dre, and Snoop Dogg. Why guys, why?

Oh and he compares his own comedy lovingly to Sam Kiniston...either that or he really hates him.

Needless to say, this movie has scarred me for life. It was the equivalent of the Kent State Massacre on screen. They just kept on shooting at me for no reason at all. Over and over again. At the same time though, I couldn’t look away from it. I was amazed at Pauly Shore's ability to say, without even laughing, that he has a fan base. Maybe he is a better actor than I had previously thought. The movie did provide an interesting question, which I still am thinking about this minute...what is the difference between Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler? Not that much, other than Sandler's from New York...but they both do annoying characters and voices, and they both have done a bunch of shitty movies, and they both are comparably better when paired with Rob why does Adam Sandler have millions, while Pauly is parking the cars at his mothers Comedy Store? I don’t know...but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that Adam Sandler made Happy Gilmore, and didn't make Encino Man. Oh, and people hate Pauly Shore.

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