Sunday, April 12, 2009

An Easter Story

This is a short story I wrote in the summer of 2006. I had just gone through a bad breakup with an ex-girlfriend right before Easter. Over the next few months though a lot had changed between us and I was considering giving it another go. This short story acted almost as me justifying my future actions for forgiving her and getting back together with her. It's not perfect: I think I mix up tenses a few times, and I'm pretty sure my without-notice switching from internal monologue to general narration doesn't help anyone understand what's going on. It's still one of my favorite short stories. And, even though the rekindled relationship ended again for good only a few months later, it may have been worth it just for the inspiration for this story. Hope you guys like it.

On The Third Day

By Billy Florio

“He got up and ran out of the room,” my Uncle said. “He hates those Zombie movies.”
Granted this is Easter Sunday, and granted celebrating the recounts of family members activities who have been absent for most of the year is an Alziano Family Tradition, but this Easter dinner I really didn’t care to hear about the lost adventures of my five-year-old cousin.

My parents think I’ve been lost for the last two years. How happy were they when they heard the news.

My Uncle goes on about how raising a son isn’t as easy as he thought it was gonna be. Not in those words—that was my own translation. No one else would understand how I get from point A to point B. No one else realizes there’s been a change.

Anastasia. Ani. I miss Ani.

It was only two weeks ago. She did something I couldn’t forgive. I cut the reigns. She hurt me. More than anyone else. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about her. Easter is suppose to be a happy occasion, when the Easter Bunny comes hoping along bringing chocolates, Easter eggs, goodwill towards men and stuff like that.
Well that’s not right either. What do you want? I haven’t been five in 19 years.

Yet, hearing about my Uncle’s miscommunications with his son keeps bringing me back to Ani.

My parents hated Ani. They always hated her. They didn’t approve of her Greek Orthodox heritage. They didn’t like the fact she celebrated Easter two weeks after we did or something. I don’t remember, but they were always upset with her. Since I brought her here for Easter that first time and she didn’t seem as overjoyed as they did. They didn’t understand her Easter Bunny doesn’t visit her for another fortnight. She’ll be excited then.

Either way, they were bouncing off the cathedral ceiling when they heard we broke up.

I told them three days after. My mom yelled out “my Son’s returned!” Honestly, did they think that helped? Did they think I wanted their ridicule? I made the hardest decision of my life breaking up with her. They never understood that I loved her. They didn’t think their child could love anything but them. Ha. I’m not even too sure of that last part.

Finally my Uncle finished. You’d think the kid had won a Peabody or something the way he speaks about him. Wait, what is a Peabody even given for? Does anybody know any more?

“Luke has some good news too.”
Oh no.
My Mother.
Is she serious? She is not going to say that is she?
“Wait, what are you doing? What are you going to talk about? That’s not good news!”

“Luke, I was going to mention that you got inducted into the Graduate Student Honor Society.”

Oh. Yeah, that.

“But yes, that’s good news as well, also Luke broke up with Anastasia.”
God damn it.

So now the cats out of the bag and everyone looks happy. Why did I even bother to try and stop her? She was probably on the phone with everyone telling them the “good news” right after I finished telling her. Right after I smashed all Ani's photos and ripped all her gifts. I knew that’s what would really hurt her. Not the breakup, not telling her I hate her, not even hitting her. No, none of that would have affected Ani. The only thing that would is destroying the things she gave me. The symbols of her. The things she hoped I worshiped. The things she forced me to display as the symbols of us. That’s one of the things that pissed me off about her. She’d raise these symbols up so much higher than the things they represented. She’d push things like a stuffed animal on me, and force me to display it on my bed—cause it symbolized her. But she’d be so glued to that symbolism, that all meaning behind the gift would be lost. To this day I can’t remember what was the reason she gave me it. All I remember was the fight we got in because I thought she cared about me liking it more than me loving her.

It doesn’t matter now; it’s in a garbage dump somewhere. Along with everything else that symbolized us.

Thankfully the subject has changed. I sit there and eat my dinner. My Dad’s sister starts talking about how she never gets to see us or something. I’m waiting for my Grandmother to make a comment about her living in another state. I’m waiting. It surprisingly doesn’t happen. She normally has a comment for everything. God knows I’ve heard most of them.

Why am I able to predict my family’s actions so well? Well it’s not just them, I can do it for anybody I’ve known for long enough. That was one of the things that annoyed Ani so much. I’d always know what she was gonna say before she said it. I’ve gotta learn to control that though. I can tell it really gets annoying when I start arguing points that haven’t been brought up yet. It’s like trying to change the future. God knows I can’t do that; I can only use my free will to go in the direction he set for me.

It doesn’t matter. Whether I can predict people’s actions or not, it makes no difference. I may have occasionally pissed off Ani, but she still loved me, I know she loved me. I knew she would never do anything to hurt me, and would always love me till the end. Then she cheated on me. And I broke up with her. I couldn’t believe she’d ever do that.

“Oh Linda, this pork is delicious!” My Aunt said to my Mom. “Hey, what would Easter be without pork?” I couldn’t hold back any longer. I knew where this was going. “It would probably be the same. The pork isn’t what makes this a corruption of the Holiday.”

Everyone looked at me. It’s the most words I’ve said all evening. They knew what was coming too. I had to set them straight on what Easter’s about, cause I know they’re just gonna get it wrong. They always do.

“Every year we sit here and we talk about the pork, and we talk about the Easter Bunny, and we eat jelly beans 'til we’re blue in the face trying to figure out when they’re going to show ‘Holiday Inn’ again on TV. But that’s not Easter! Easter isn’t about any of that. You think it’s written in the Bible that Uncle Mike’s son is going to get a chocolate bunny and some yellow Peeps in his basket this year? No! Easter is about the resurrection of Christ! About him dying for our sins… our mistakes; for our problems. The Bible says: ‘And on the third day he rose from the dead.’ This day is about him, his comeback. It’s about his return to us after he realized “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ! I’ve died for you!” It’s not about you guys. We’ve lost that meaning. The meaning of the Holiday is gone and all we think about is cute little commercialized symbols. What the hell happened to Easter?!”

Silence. Finally my Grandmother comments. “Luke, don’t raise your voice like that! Some people believe differently than you.”
They all turned against me. Why does that always happen?

“I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.” I pushed my dish away and got up and walked to my room. Why is it that God is forgotten today? Even on the days set aside for him no one remembers. If Jesus died today do you think they’d care? No! They still wouldn’t listen to me. I guess it still wasn’t much easier for Jesus himself. There he is being crucified and who’s there with him—only John and Mary Magdalene. Where was his family then? Your family’s never there when you need them. They’re only there to crucify you.

I turn on some music. I need to get my mind off this. Hmm…Psycho Candy. The Jesus and Mary Chain. Fitting enough. The music starts as I sit down in my mercy seat. It’s then that I realize my phone is beeping. Someone left a message.

I might as well listen to it. It can’t make anything worse.

All I need to hear is the sound of the crying and I know who it is: Ani. What is she calling me for? What could she possibly want on Easter?

“Luke…I miss you so much…I…a-I just can’t take this anymore…I want you back…I need you…I was wrong in what I did-wrong in how I treated you-wrong in how I acted…I’m sorry…I was stupid. I never should have cheated on you. I never should have done any of that…Luke! Please…please, please call me back. I still love you. I want to be with you again…Happy Easter.”

Wow. Why the hell does she think I want to speak to her? I don’t miss her. I’ve moved on. It was two weeks ago God damn it! She’s got to be kidding me!
Maybe she’s really sorry though. I’m not sure.

Well, this just ruins the day even more.

I’m not gonna call her back. I can’t. Not after what she’s done. No. I—I—don’t know.

This kills me. She seemed like she was in pain. She seemed like she needed me too. No, she should have thought of that before she cheated on me. But she’s obviously begging for forgiveness. She obviously wants me back. She even said it. I don’t want her back. Right?

I should call her. I should make sure she’s ok. That would be the right thing to do…yeah, that’s the correct thing. I’ll call her. She needs me. I loved her. I miss her.

As I’m dialing I hear the chorus to “Just Like Honey”.

I wait.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It's Just That Old Parker Luck...


Too late.

From Amazing Spider-man # 589 by Van Lente and Siqueira

Friday, February 27, 2009

He Should Have Tried Missed Connections



Pilot posted this on her synecdoche tumblr today. Wow. I really hope this was a joke because I can't stop laughing.

Seriously, I hope this guy finds a Greek translator through craigslist.

But if he doesn't, he can always shell out the money for Rosetta Stone.

Whole Lotta Rosie

On Imdb Wednesday:


Ok, let's reread this part.
The A League of Their Own star has revealed she stopped drinking on 1 December after her teenage son, Parker, refused to get her a beer from the refrigerator.

Now, I tend to see fat jokes where there aren't any sometimes (when you're looking for them, they're everywhere), but this...I mean, I thought this was obvious.

Does that line not imply that Rosie is sitting on her couch; asks her son to get her a beer; her son refuses; and Rosie says "Well, I'm not getting up. I'll quit."

Apparently not. No one I asked came to that conclusion. So, the question is, why did I see it?

In the first show I had on Channel 101 NY, DiSilvio, me and co-creator Mike Frollo knew where all the jokes were*. But, when the show screened, most of the audience was confused. Somehow, somewhere, there was a jump in logic that me and Mike didn't foresee.

So, what does this have to do with Rosie? Well, I'm starting to think I constantly do this.

*Where were they? In the second draft.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Friday, February 20, 2009

I'll Tumblr 4 Ya!

Did everyone just get a tumblr overnight? When the hell did this happen?

For all those that care, Nonsense Humor Magazine has finally got with the times and started their own blog. I think it's suppose to have pdfs of issues and crap but I have no clue anymore.

So, go check that out! And start a tumblr I guess, cause it's the cool thing to do!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Where A Grown Man Comments On Children's Shows

I feel bad for the kids on Sesame Street.


Not only did they live in the projects...


they had MONSTERS!


Bonus Videos:

See Paul Simon be an asshole to a little girl!

Watch as Sesame Street's local Pusher tries to get Ernie hooked! Yes, Sesame Street had a Pusher! His name was Lefty.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Year In Lists

So, lets finish up our music roundup for 2008.

You can find my top albums of 2008 here. In this post, we're going to look at my top eps, best compilations, top songs, and some other shit. So let's go.

The top 4 eps of 2008:
4)Little Boots-Arecibo
3)Animal Collective-Water Curses
2)Be Your Own Pet-Get Damaged
1)Fleet Foxes-Sun Giant
I really didn't listen to that many eps this year, so this list is a tad bit incomplete. Fleet Foxes Sun Giant ep would probably still be the number one choice though.

The Top 7 Compilations/Mixtapes:
7)The Long Blondes-Singles
6)Diplo & Santogold-Top Ranking Mixtape
5)Various Artists- Nigeria 70: Lagos Jump: Original Heavyweight Afrobeat Highlife & Afro-Funk
4)Esau Mwamwaya + Radioclit-"The Very Best" Mixtape
3)Arthur Russell-Love Is Overtaking Me
2)Jay Reatard- Singles 06-07 & Jay Reatard-Matador Singles 08
1)Wale- The Mixtape About Nothing
D.C. rapper Wale put together a mixtape that is devoted to 90s sitcom Seinfeld. Yes, you read that right...Seinfeld has entered rap culture. It is fantastic. The highlight of the mixtape is "The Kramer", on which Wale samples Michael Richards infamous rant at L.A. comedy club The Laugh Factory to make a thought-provoking thesis on the use of the N-word. Also, there is a confusing/out of place/pathetic cameo by Seinfeld star Julia Louis-Dreyfuss that should derail the mixtape completely, but luckily doesn't last long enough to do much harm.

The Most Disappointing Album Of The Year:
For something to be disappointing there had to have been a build up of hope prior to it's release that made the albums disappointment all the more painful. So out the door goes Weezer's Red Album because I don't think anyone thought that would be good. Out goes The Raveonettes Lust, Lust, Lust because I gave up all hope for them after I heard "Aly, Walk With Me". This really comes down to three choices: Kanye West's 808s & Heartbreak, Scarlett Johansson's Anywhere I Lay My Head or Philip Jeck's Sand. Jeck's album was completely built up for me as being this masterpiece, yet when I heard it, I couldn't make heads or tails of what I was listening to. Kanye's 4th album was coming off of his highly enjoyable Graduation, so, yeah, it had a lot to live up to...but this was almost like Kanye wasn't even trying. The first time I heard "Love Lockdown" I couldn't believe it was Kanye...not because he was singing, but because it sounded so...fake. To it's credit though, 808s & Heartbreak does contain the awesome "Robocop", so it can't be a huge disappointment with that.

No, the most disappointing album of the year is Scarlett Johansson's Tom Waits cover record Anywhere I Lay My Head. Note, it's not the worst album of the year, just the most disappointing. I love Scarlett...and Tom Waits is my favorite artist of all time...but the two of them together just doesn't work...even with a David Bowie appearance hidden on "Falling Down". The album isn't's just unremarkable...and that's something that a Tom Waits inspired album should never be. Anywhere I Lay My Head should have been a thought-provoking journey to a world where pin-up models could sing the blues and femme fatales fall victim to the same desperation as the drunk on the street. Instead I felt absolutely nothing from this album. That's why it's a disappointment.

The Worst Album Of The Year (that I heard):
This would easily be Weezer's third self-titled album, Weezer (also known as The Red Album). Here's an excerpt from a review I wrote for the album earlier in 2008:
I can see it now: I'd compare Weezer's Red Album to the regurgitated food the cow re-chews on it's way from it's 1st stomach to it's 2nd stomach. If you think it's as good as the first time, then I'm sorry my friend, but you enjoyed cow vomit. Calling it "Pork and Beans" doesn't fool anyone.

And I was going easy on the album there. Red Album is an attempt to revisit the magic that Weezer had on their first self-titled album (The Blue Album), but they don't even come close, falling far below even the level of quality on their second self-titled album (The Green Album). The songs range from "could be decent if it wasn't by Weezer" ("The Greatest Man That Ever Lived") to "oh my God that is horrible make it stop make it stop" ("Heart Songs"). Also, in the case of "Heart Songs", I think I'd vote that in as easily the worst song of the year. It's only fitting that Weezer gets wrong a song that is all about nostalgia, on an album that is attempting to rely on our nostalgia for anyone to give two shits.'s time to retire. Go away, and stop ruining my good memories of you.

Most Overrated Album Of 2008:
TV On The Radio-Dear Science.
It wasn't bad at all, but I didn't think it was anywhere near as good as Return To Cookie Mountain. Some people get all obsessive about these guys, and yeah, they are good, but this was not album of the year. Sorry.

Most Underrated Album Of 2008:
Nico Muhly-Mothertongue
This album is so underrated, that I didn't even include it on my top albums of the year list! Nico Muhly's Mothertongue starts off with an avant-garde classical piece that evokes the work of Philip Glass. Over the rest of the work, Muhly echos Bjork, Steve Reich...and folk music. It's quite an experience, and perfect for fans of minimalist classical music.

Best Album I Discovered Because Of Taylor Long:
My former editor, and the mind behind the T-Sides music blog, Taylor Long has a tendency to suggest albums to me that I never would have heard elsewhere. Last year she brought Patrick Cleandenim's excellent Baby Come Home to my attention. This year it was Dengue Fever's Venus On Earth. Dengue Fever combine Cambodian pop music with American indie rock, to create an album that almost seems like a piece of alternative history. Most of the album is sung in Khmer, the main language of Cambodia (with a few songs in English), but don't let that scare you away. The album is terrific.

Best Album I Discovered Because Of Nick Psillas:
Like Taylor, Nick Psillas, of the band The Broosevelts also has passed my way many music suggestions. The best album he told me about this year was Little Joy's self titled debut, Little Joy. Little Joy is a side project of Fabrizio Moretti of The Strokes and Rodrigo Amarante of Los Hermanos. As a fan of both those bands, this album represents almost a dream pairing, but I was still skeptical. The last Strokes album left me pondering the need for a band like the Strokes anymore, and the last time Los Hermanos did anything new was 2005. Could this just be another disaster? Well, obviously it isn't. This is what the 3rd Strokes album should have sounded like. This is the return to form we wanted. Now let's see how these rumors of a new Strokes album in 2009 turn out.

The Top 60 Songs of 2008:
60)"Time To Pretend"-MGMT
59)"The Vowels Pt. 2"-Why?
58)"Dance, Dance, Dance"-Lykke Li
57)"Run To Your Grave"-The Mae Shi
56)"In The New Year"-The Walkmen
55)"House Jam"-Gang Gang Dance
54)"Robocop"-Kanye West
53)"Saved By Old Times"-Deerhunter
52)"The Next Messiah"-Jenny Lewis

50)"Walcott"-Vampire Weekend
49)"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"-Beyonce
48)"Don’t Stop The Music"-Rihanna
47)"The Rip"-Portishead
46)"Paperback Suicide"-Evangelicals
45)"Sentimental Heart"-She & Him
44)"The Modern Leper"-Frightened Rabbit
43)"Too Drunk To Dream"-Magnetic Fields
42)"L.E.S. Artists"-Santogold
41)"Kiss With A Fist"-Florence and the Machine

40)"Lately"-The Helio Sequence
38)"The Next Time Around"-Little Joy
37)"Which Song?"-Max Tundra
36)"Oh My God"-Ida Maria
35)"Fatalist Palmistry"-Why?
34)"Shut Up And Let Me Go"-The Ting Tings
33)"The Kramer"-Wale
32)"Black Albino Bones"-Fucked Up
31)"Bete Noir"-The Gutter Twins

30)"Trolley Friend"-Pattern Is Movement
29)"Soul On Fire"-Spiritualized
28)"All I Wanna Do"-Jaimie Lidell
27)"Where Do You Run To?"-Vivian Girls
26)"Teenagers"-Department of Eagles
25)"Strange Overtones"-David Byrne & Brian Eno
24)"Take My Love With You"-Eli “Paperboy” Reed & The True Loves
23)"Shake That Devil"-Antony & The Johnsons
22)"My Year In Lists"-Los Campesinos!
21)"Eraser"-No Age

20)"I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me"-Annie
19)"Easy Does It"-Bonnie “Prince” Billy
18)"Gobbledigook"-Sigor Ros
17)"Winter"-The Dodos
16)"Skinny Love"-Bon Iver
15)"Blue Ridge Mountains"-Fleet Foxes
14)"Lights Out"-Santogold
13)"Mykonos"-Fleet Foxes
12)"Lover’s Day"-TV On The Radio
11)"You! Me! Dancing!"-Los Campesinos!

10)"Becky"-Be Your Own Pet
9)"Nous Tombons Dans Elle"-Dominique Leone
8)"I’m Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You"-The Black Kids
7)"Constructive Summer"-The Hold Steady
6)"Sweet Darlin’"-She & Him
5)"American Boy"-Estelle (Featuring Kanye West)
4)"Put On"-Young Jeezy and Kanye West
3)"The Nun’s Litany"-Magnetic Fields
2)"Oxford Comma"-Vampire Weekend
1)"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!"-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Ok, that's it for the music of 2008! I'd like to do a movie list, but I'm not sure when I'll get that up. Hopefully soon. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Loving The Alien And King

So, it's both David Bowie AND Elvis Presley's birthdays today.

Happy birthday David Bowie!!! He's 62 today!

Here he is with the Arcade Fire performing their song "Wake Up".

Happy birthday to Elvis Presley!!! He would be 74 today!

Here he is singing "Little Egypt" from the movie "Roustabout". "Little Egypt" of course is much better known as a Coasters song (and done much better by them), but I'm posting it so we remember it was practice at the time for white artists to re-record the songs of black artists. Elvis did this numerous times, and sadly, because of it, singers like Big Mama Thornton are nearly forgotten.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Top Albums Of 2008

For the first time in a long time, I actually struggled with picking my top ten albums of the year.

That's a good thing, I guess. When so many great albums are released in a year, it's the listeners and music fans who win. My job should be this hard all the time.

Of course, by limiting this list to ten, I've left off many deserving albums. It was originally a list of 30 that I had to par down. Sadly, this left no room for some releases that everyone else on the internet has been hailing as the "best albums of the year". Whatever. I think these albums are better.

I now present:

10)The Hold Steady- Stay Positive (Vagrant)
Many bands wear their influences on their sleeves. The Hold Steady just won't stop talking about them.

The first line in album opener "Constructive Summer" bellows: "Me and my friends are like/the drums on 'Lust For Life'". The band then goes on to reference The Dillinger Four, The Clash, and Husker Du, all before getting out of the first song.

Of course this makes perfect sense considering what else The Hold Steady sing about. On Stay Positive they sing stories about people who are stuck in adolescence, people who are confused spiritually, and people who aren't sure about where life is taking them. They sing songs about people who are "stuck at the mill until [they] die" and people who smoke in the woods with "townies". They sing songs about the youth in red states, the sing songs about the youth in the suburbs. All they know of the cities is what they've been taught by Led Zeppelin and Bruce Springsteen. All they can do (to quote Pulp) is "dance and drink and screw/cause there's nothing else to do."

But unlike on their past albums, The Hold Steady take this a step further. Stay Positive is their most grown up album, not in a sense of being more mature, but rather in being old enough to look back and see what's happened. No, the band is still as confused and discouraged as they always are, but now they see what they went through happening to the next generation, and they want to help them through it. The next generation needs to stay optimistic, to think positive. Stick to your goals, and remember your influences and you'll get out of the rut of being a Hold Steady character. After all, The Hold Steady did. Raise a toast to Saint Joe Strummer indeed.

Best Songs: "Constructive Summer", "Stay Positive", "Magazines"

9)Portishead-Third (Mercury/Island)
It seems like forever since Portishead released an album. 11 years in fact, and it feels like they haven't been gone at all.

There is something about Portishead that makes them seem so haunting and bleak, and yet at the same time, so...upper class. When listening to Third, I get the feeling like I'm sitting at a British aristocracy dinner banquet. The music just fits with the ambiance in the background as we eat and discuss the latest business in front of the House of Lords. I assume British aristocratic gatherings aren't anything fitting of a Portishead album, but it just gives me that feel. Maybe I've seen King Ralph too many times.

Beth Gibbons voice calls back the likes of Jackie DeShannon and Nico. On top of that, Portishead approach Third with a very 60's pop feel, while still maintaining their identifiable sound; like if Burt Bacharach wrote songs for Iron Butterfly. Third isn't a retread of Dummy, and for that we're all relieved. After an eleven year wait for a new album, it's reassuring to know that Portishead aren't ready for the 'classic 90's bargain bin' yet, and I hope their fourth album takes a little quicker to make than their third.

Best Songs: "The Rip", "Machine Gun", "Hunter"

8)The Magnetic Fields- Distortion (Nonesuch)
It's 90's week here at Dante's Infernal Racket! First Portishead and now Stephin Merritt's catchy-pop outlet The Magnetic Fields! All we need now is the new Weezer album! (on second

For some reason, Distortion didn't seem to be too well received by many critics this year. I'm not quite sure why. Distortion mixes Magnetic Fields style catchy pop with Jesus and Mary Chain distorted rock. Yeah, it isn't like 69 Love Songs...but is that what everyone wants? A remake of 69 Love songs?

The songs on Distortion feel almost...more solid than on previous Magnetic Fields albums. Maybe it's the electric guitars of this album compared to the acoustics of 69 Love Songs, or maybe it's the more playful feeling the album gives off...I don't know, but it just feels like I'm getting more out of these 13 songs than I did on all three discs of 69 Love Songs.

The album starts off very nice with the Breeder's sound-a-like "Three-Way". The ranting "California Girls" flows nicely from the opener's surf guitars, setting up the records upbeat sound quite well. The sing-a-long opening of "Too Drunk To Dream" is probably the most fun I've ever had with a Stephin Merritt song and along with "Please Stop Dancing" and "Drive on, Driver" form the most enjoyable section of the album. The album's highlight though is the clever "The Nun's Litany" which I'm pretty sure I've played more times this year than I have most other songs from better albums. I keep on coming back to Distortion whenever I need a burst of pop and fun. To me, that makes it one of the best albums of the year.

Best Songs: "The Nun's Litany", "Too Drunk To Dream", "Drive On, Driver"

7)Why?-Alopecia (Anticon)
Is Why? a hip-hop group or are they an indie rock band? If you Googled the un-Google-able band, that's what you'd find...lots of discussions about what genre Why? could possibly be. Why? is the perfect candidate for my most hated genre selection on iTunes: 'Unclassifiable'...and that's only because the idea of a bunch of indie-rock white boys raping about how much they like Whole Foods confuses people who think genre is a rule and not a suggestion. These are the same people who write in their 'favorite music' box on facebook "Everything but country!!!" and think that actually defines anything.

If you want to use a comparison to describe them, they're Faith No More for the 2000s or maybe Alice in Chains for the health food nut.

The stand out song on the album is "Fatalist Palmistry" a bright, happy-sounding pop number stuck right in the middle of the album. The song revolves around the idea of palm reading and numerous times mentions loving life, yet it's surrounded on both sides by songs about death, sex and darkness. I guess it's only fitting then that the song starts and ends with references to dying: "I sleep on my back cause it's good for the spine/and coffin rehearsal" and "I'll be embalmed with it long before you'll see". This seems to be Why?'s topic of choice. All their songs act as stream of consciousness diatribes on the uncertain and inevitable, or rather, sex and death. On the album opener "The Vowels, Pt.2": "I'm not a ladies man/I'm a landmine/filming my own fake death." On "Simeon's Dilemma" "But I still hear your name in wedding bells/Will I look better or will I look the same rotting in hell." Most of the songs on Alopecia discuss one of these two topics in sometimes awkward and hopefully tongue-in-cheek ways. On "Good Friday" rapper Yoni Wolf mentions there are lots of things he wouldn't even say to his psychiatrist. He seems perfectly content with relaying it all to us though. If I didn't like it so much, I'd demand my own prescription pad.

Best Songs: "Fatalist Palmistry", "The Vowels Pt.2", "Song Of The Sad Assassin"

6)Marnie Stern-This is it and I am it and You are it and So is that and He is it and She is it and It is it and That is that (Kill Rock Stars)
I can't think of a way to describe Marnie Stern's second album. It's not really metal, even though her guitar work is on the level of Eddie Van Halen. It's not really pop, as this could never be played on mainstream radio. It's sort of like she created her own genre...a type of Progressive Pop.

Marnie Stern's work needs to be heard to be understood. The album is weird and choppy. It's not candy to the ears. It's angular, it's awkward. It's like the last few seconds of the Beatles "A Day In The Life" when the orchestra just says the hell with it and creates nightmares.

And even that's not really a good description. Stern's songs play with pop structure. They are pop songs, just...not in the right order. Remember in Pulp Fiction how the story structure was all mixed you'd get half of the story, and then we'd cut away to Bruce Willis, and he kills John Travolta, but then we got back to the middle of the first story and Travolta's still alive?

Ah fuck it. That description sucks too. Really, I have no fucking clue how to even approach this album for a review. It's uncomfortable progressive pop metal. It's "Karn Evil #9" meets "Fuck and Run". It's a cyclone and a siren put together. Take album highlight "Ruler". It starts almost like hoe-down music and then turns into a Sleater-Kinney song. How else can this be described? It shouldn't work, but it does perfectly. Not only am entranced by it, but I can't stop listening to it. Just give it a listen yourself.

Best Songs: "Ruler", "Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads", "Prime"

5)The Dutchess & The Duke-She's The Dutchess, He's The Duke (Hardly Art)
This one is simple. The Dutchess & The Duke sound like acoustic Aftermath era Rolling Stones with a little dash of Richard and Linda Thompson. They play 60's blues and folk songs. That's either a selling point to you or not.

Best Songs: "Out Of Time", "Mary", "Strangers"

4)Hot Chip-Made in the Dark (EMI)
Hot Chip is probably the epitome of the slur "Pitchfork Artist". Pitchfork promotes the hell out of these musicians, and because of that, there is normally a sort of resentment towards them around the internet (See also: Deerhunter). Including Hot Chip's Made in the Dark on this list is certainly not earning me any brownie points from the music blog community, but to not include it would be to ignore a very enjoyable album simply because some guy in an office in Chicago compared them to Giorgio Moroder.

Made in the Dark is electronica, but it is poppy electronica. The music bares a closer resemblance to Interpol than it does Prodigy. Almost like The Rapture's "Echoes" by way of Daft Punk's "Digital Love". Their music is extremely catchy and easily danceable. Plus they reference Todd Rundgren's Something/Anything?. And I LOVE Something/Anything?.

Best Songs: "Wrestlers", "Ready For The Floor", "Shake a Fist"

3)Bon Iver-For Emma, Forever Ago (Jagjaguwar)
Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago was originally self-released in 2007, but since it's official release was 2008, and since I had no clue it existed until this past year, I'm going to consider it officially a 2008 album.

2008 was a good year for the 'Americana' sound. Bonnie "Prince" Billy released a pretty damn good album with Lie Down In The Light, The Fleet Foxes had a fantastic EP and LP and Bon Iver came out with For Emma, Forever Ago. Bon Iver is really just Justin Vernon, formerly of folk band DeYarmond Edison. He recorded most of For Emma, Forever Ago Walden style...isolated in a cabin in Wisconsin for four months. The album reflects Vernon's experience. It's a haunting debut, filled with the psyche of a man isolated in nature.

Vernon's voice alternates between a Will Oldham style growl to a TV on the Radio-esk falsetto (though it mostly stays in the falsetto). More than anything the album sounds like the latest release from Iron & Wine, or maybe even Ray LaMontagne, but neither of those two have made an album this coherent before. For Emma, Forever Ago is a quite fantastic piece of folk music.

Best Songs: "Skinny Love", "Flume", "Re: Stacks"

2)Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds-Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! (Mute)
Nick Cave is 51. You'd never know it from the way Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! sounds though. These days, when a rocker gets old, he usually resorts to recording crap like muddled vanilla versions of old standards. But not Cave. When he gets old, he rocks harder.

Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! opens with the title song, a spiraling epic about what happened to "Poor Larry" after he was risen from the grave. Cave uses the resurrection of Lazarus to return to one of his favorite topics: God. "Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!" chronicles a modern Lazarus's journey through despair and obscenity as he digs himself deeper and deeper into the ground, blaming it all on the fact that "he never asked to be risen up from the tomb/ one ever actually asked him to forsake his dreams".

"Poor Larry"'s journey brings forward the notion that God's work might not be understood by us, but everything is happening according to some plan: "I can hear chants and incantations and some guy is mentioning me in his prayers./ Well, I don't know what it is but there's definitely something going on upstairs." This point carries Cave throughout the album, as he touches upon other cases of humans not understanding a greater thought, and in the end, rejecting it. On "We Call Upon The Author" Cave sings: "Rosary clutched in his hand, he died with tubes up his nose/And a cabal of angels with finger cymbals chanted his name in code/We shook our fists at the punishing rain/And we call upon the author to explain." Throughout the song, the effects of tragedy are questioned by those closest, asking God, their supposed author, why they must occur. The repeated chant of "Prolix, Prolix/Nothing a pair of scissors can't fix" obviously shows the questioners reaction to God's response...the result being a mutilated version of what they once believed.

In "Albert Goes West" Cave sings "I said the world is full of endless abstractions/And I won't be held responsible for my actions." Here, another challenge to a higher authority is made, this time the refusal of the protagonist to recognize any type of higher law (whether God's or the state's)due to their generality. The inclusion of the American West (another one of Cave's favorite topics) brings forward the imagery of a lawless society, one where no one has to worry about anyone judging them. The album's closer "More News From Nowhere" takes everything to it's logical extreme, with a world of moral anarchy, supplemented by the continued delivery of "more news from nowhere". A Dionysian orgy in a world where God is dead to the people, all because they don't understand his plan and instead have chosen to reject him. It all happens to "Poor Larry" in the opening song, and the only place it lead him was straight back to the grave. You think Cave is trying to tell us something?

Best Songs: "Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!", "We Call Upon The Author", "More News From Nowhere"

1)Fleet Foxes-Fleet Foxes (Sub Pop)
And to think, just a year ago, I was badmouthing Panda Bear for trying to sound too much like the Beach Boys, while meanwhile, on the opening to "Blue Ridge Mountains" The Fleet Foxes do a pitch perfect impression of the Wilson Brother's harmonies, and I'm praising them. My, how times have changed.

The Fleet Foxes' self-titled debut album is a perfect piece of chirpy 60's folk. Somehow though, possibly by use of time tunnel or warp zone, this 60's folk album came out in 2008. The Fleet Foxes hit every note they need to hit, from emulating The Byrds and the International Submarine Band to the aforementioned Beach Boys. They combine their folk with sunshine pop to create what is undeniably a west coast sound.

Every song on Fleet Foxes hits, from the crooning (and Beirut sounding) "Tiger Mountain Peasant Song", to the sing-a-long "White Winter Hymnal", to the possibly lost Gram Parsons recording "Meadowlarks". The album is as close to perfect as any album came this year, and for that it takes the number one slot on my list.

Best Songs:"White Winter Hymnal", "Blue Ridge Mountains", "Ragged Wood"

And since, I know someone is going to ask, here are, without comment, 11-20:
11)Dengue Fever-Venus On Earth (M80)
12)Santogold-Santogold (Downtown)
13)Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend (XL)
14)Times New Viking-Rip It Off (Matador)
15)Department of Eagles-In Ear Park (4AD)
16)Jenny Lewis-Acid Tongue (Warner Brothers)
17)Lil Wayne-Tha Carter III (Cash Money)
18)Be Your Own Pet-Get Awkward (Ecstatic Peace)
19)Bonnie "Prince" Billy-Lie Down In The Light (Spunk)
20)Juana Molina-Un Dia (Domino)

Thanks for reading! I'm going to have a music summary of 2008 post up soon (I promise) and hopefully soon after that, a list of my favorite songs of the year. After that, I'll probably tackle movies.

Also, there will definitely be unrelated posts separating these.

So, what do you think guys?

Friday, January 2, 2009